Review: Death Race

Friday, August 22 by

Rather than reviewing Jason Statham’s latest explosion fest in my own voice, I’m going to use the voice of the frat dude that was sitting behind me at the midnight showing I attended last night. Please note that caps lock is used to emphasize both the frat guy’s excitement and the movie’s resemblance to a fun, 89-minute Mountain Dew commercial.

DUDE, SHUT UP IT’S STARTING
Bro, check out all of these awesome cars! I bet my Jeep Wrangler would be totally kick ASS with some machine guns on it! I would be JUST LIKE these guys. Machine guns on the front and a honey with a sweet ass in the passenger seat!

OH, SHIT. DID YOU JUST SEE THAT GUY EXPLODE?
I wonder if there’s supposed to be some kind of message here about consumerism and our growing need to see blood or sex to be entertained. Maybe I can write a paper about that for my intro to media cla…..OH SHIT, A FLAME THROWER!

YO, JASON STATHAM IS A BAD ASS
Man, he’s awesome in EVERY MOVIE. I mean, he plays the same character in every movie, but it’s the same TOTALLY AWESOME character, so who cares? Man, I hope they show him shirtless again. I want to check out his traps and compare them to mine in a totally hetero way. I wonder if he drinks Muscle Milk.

THOSE FEMALE NAVIGATORS ARE SO HOT
I know I just told my girlfriend that I eventually want to think about getting engaged after college, but THAT CHICK’S ASS IS AMAZING. AND NOW THEY’RE SHOWING IT IN SLOW MOTION! This movie rules.

DUDE, YOU HAVE TO GO SEE THIS MOVIE
Man, I’m going to go back to the dorm and download this movie off of Bit Torrent and watch it ALL THE TIME. But first, I’m going to go out in the parking lot and drive like a total dick because I just saw people doing it in the movie, so now I want to do it myself. WATCH YOUR ASS, MALL SECURITY.

Enough schtick, is this thing worth $10
You’re going to hear a lot of people telling you that the original is better and that you’re some kind of neandrethal for liking this kind of movie, but Death Race is easy and fun. Personally, i think they could’ve gone even more over the top. They already had the R-rating, why not crank the violence, swearing and nudity up to 11? But as it stands, it’s still incredibly entertaining, they way anything involving sport killing tends to be. With any luck, Death Racing will show up in London for the 2012 Olympics. It would be a perfect replacement for speed walking.

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