REVIEW: ‘CRANK HIGH VOLTAGE’

Friday, April 17 by

 

By HaloFan1996

I just saw the new Crank movie. It was friggin’ awesome.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking, “HaloFan1996, you’re only 13 years old, you probably shouldn’t see an R-rated movie.” That’s not what my mom thinks. She know I am way older than you jerks can understand. She let me see Grindhouse when I was like 11. Of course, those idiots at the theater won’t let you in if you’re a 13-year-old, and my mom agrees that’s stupid. That’s why she buys two tickets – one for her and one for me, so that I can get in, and she can go to her weekly massage with Esteban. She told me not to tell dad about her massages, and I guess it’s cuz she doesn’t want him worrying about her. She gets really sore I guess.

But that means, every Friday I get to go the movies and see whatever I want. And I can get the biggest Mountain Dew they have. So anyways, today I got to see Crank 2, High Voltage or whatever. It was sweet. It’s all about this guy, Chev Chelios, and he falls out of this helicopter – I guess that was the end of the first Crank movie. Anyways, he falls like a million feet and hits the road – but he lives. So he’s like some crazy unkillable dude. Then he get’s thrown into a car and these Chinese guys start taking his guts out. My friend Jenna would be so grossed out, but I thought it was cool. Then they took out his heart, and it’s all still beating and stuff and then they shove this plastic thing in there, like some robot heart. Then, right before they cut off his weiner, he escapes and starts killing everyone, cuz he wants his real heart back, but some Chinese guy took it and ran out the door with it.

So then he’s trying to find out where the guy took his heart so he shoves this shotgun up a guys butt to ask him where the guy would go. It was hilarious! Oh, I almost forgot, cuz he had this weird plastic heart thing, it was powered by some battery that was dying, so he had to electrically shock himself with whatever he could find.

Anyways, then he’s running around the city like he’s in “Grand Theft Auto IV” just stealing stuff and killing dudes. Then he finds Amy Smart, who’s like a stripper or something, and she helps him and they do it in front of everyone!

So then he’s messing with these Latino gangsters and Chinese Triad dudes and has to kill them all while he’s trying to find his heart.

There’s all this awesome shootout scenes, and even though Chev just goes straight at them with his gun, he takes them out. If that was me, I would have found a good high point and sniped those asses. But, even so, I had a lot of fun. There was blood EVERYwhere, all kinds of awesome car chases and action scenes, and there’s boobs! It was awesome.

Then after the movie I told my mom I wanted to be like Chev and get a robot heart, so that I could run super fast and beat up Tommy from school. She told me my uncle Steve has a plastic heart and it’s because he did some bad stuff in the 80s and he couldn’t even stand up if he wanted to. I think that’s just old technology.

Sixteen stars out of ten!

–HaloFan1996

HaloFan1996 is thirteen years old and likes Xbox360, guns, and the F-14 Hornet.
 

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