Review: Beastly

Friday, March 4 by

Beastly actually has a good thing going for a while. It totally loses its steam but I was about halfway to recommending this one before it wussed out.

Kyle Kingson (Alex Pettyfer) is running for some green committee position in high school and he actually preaches the glory of being hot and rich. He is a blatantly shallow A-hole, all the way to flirting with a gay teacher for grade. He gets it from his dad Rob (Peter Krause), a newscaster who fires women for gaining 10 lbs. Kyle is racist to his maid Zola (Lisa Gay Hamilton) and we later see he had a “no fatties” profile online.

If you’re going to do Beauty and the Beast in high school, go all out. The school itself looks like a trendy nightclub. It seems like the movie is actually in the heads of the self-involved teens who need to learn this lesson, even though they won’t get it.

Kyle went too far making fun of the goth chick Kendra (Mary Kate Olsen), so she curses him. His face transforms with scars and tattoos run down his body. He’s still got the abs though. If she really wanted to curse him, she should’ve given him a gut that won’t go away no matter how many crunches he does. That nose bubble is really gross though.

Rob actually tries to get a medical answer so the film pays lip service to modern science. He ends up dumping Kyle in an apartment that’s slightly less decorated than his swank pad. He claims he’s gone to rehab and calls himself Hunter when he does go out into the world.

As Hunter, Kyle gets a peak at what people really thought of him. His girlfriend is actually relieved she doesn’t have to be mean anymore to keep up with him. Lindy (Vanessa Hudgens) actually appreciated his commitment to his ideals, even though he was totally off base.

You know how the B&B curse goes. If someone loves him for who he is inside, he gets to be hot again. Lindy is his best shot at that, so he romances her and that’s when the movie slows down to a bore.

First of all, the plot that gets Lindy into his “lair” is so stupid. Kyle foils a drug deal involving her father and kills a dealer. The dealer’s brother vows to kill Lindy for revenge, so Kyle convinces her dad to let him protect her. I know they’re trying to mimic the castle exile of the classic story (or the sewers of the TV series?) but come on!

It would have been much more interesting if Hunter pursued Lindy in the real world and got to experience more of society’s reaction to his new appearance. Going to the zoo after hours doesn’t count. The courtship is just boring and even Neil Patrick Harris as the funny tutor Simon can’t liven it up.

You weren’t going to see Beastly anyway so I’m only confirming that. I’m more disappointed it couldn’t keep up the momentum it had going. It would’ve been nice to give a shocking recommendation to it. Even at only 80 minutes without credits, they still let it drag.

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