PG-13 Sex And Vampire C-Sections: ‘Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1′ Is Unintentionally Awesome

Thursday, November 17 by

Taylor Lautner’s Acting

Now, I know there’s been no small amount of Taylor Lautner mockery on the Internet as of late, particularly after his first big non-Twilight film, Abduction, bombed at the box office (maybe his forthcoming performance as Stretch Armstrong will wipe that smug grin off your faces). People say he looks like a llama, they say he only has one facial expression, they say that he couldn’t act with a gun to his head. Well, Lautner’s been listening to you, and in a fitting tribute to all those unkind things you’ve said about his acting over the years, he’s decided to play each and every scene he gets in Breaking Dawn as soullessly, robotically, and joylessly as possible. Once or twice he gets really close to emoting, but he reigns himself in at the last second. It’s almost as if Taylor Lautner’s saying, “You wanna see bad acting? I’ll show you bad acting!” Way to stick it to the naysayers, Lautner.

The Never Unpleasant Sound of Tween Girls Giggling Hysterically

Call me crazy, but there are few sounds on this Earth as pleasurable as 12-14 year-old girls cackling maniacally at things that don’t seem even remotely funny. Maybe I’m being left out of the joke, maybe they’re just giggling because they don’t know how else to react to hearing someone say the word “period” in a movie, or maybe they’re just mindless imbeciles: whatever the case may be, the screening of Twilight: Breaking Dawn I attended was completely overwhelmed by the sweet, sweet sound of nervous hysteria. If you like the sound of tweenage girls giggling, Breaking Dawn is gonna blow your mind.

Man, if there was a way to make that sound into a ring tone, I’d make a bajillion dollars.

The Final 20 Minutes (a.k.a. Vampire C-Section)

Yes, it says above that these are in “no particular order,” but this is really the best reason to see Breaking Dawn Part 1. After Edward gets Bella pregnant, Bella decides that she’s going to go ahead and have the baby anyway, even though virtually every character in the film begs her to abort it (among other things, Breaking Dawn is also an effective pro-life statement). This leads to the film’s final twenty minutes, where a number of increasingly-ridiculous things happen. They happen so fast, in fact, that it’s hard to digest them all at once.

It starts when a group of vampires feed Bella a styrofoam cup filled with blood. Next, we’re treated to the sight of Bella bending over backwards as her back inexplicably breaks, a visual that’s accompanied by an enormous “CRACK!” sound effect. Then, of course, we see Edward ignoring an entire roomfull of surgical tools in order to use his vampire teeth to give her a C-section (you read that right). To top it all off, Jacob The Werewolf Boy falls in love with the baby as soon as he lays eyes on it (too long to explain, but it happens). I assure you there’s more insanity, but those were the highlights for me.

And that, my friends, is a small army of reasons you need to see Breaking Dawn this weekend. Yeah, it’s gonna be painful sitting through that first hour or so, and yeah, you’re going to have trouble believing that a vampire would choose to vacation in Rio (lots of sun there), and yeah, you’re going to feel incredibly embarrassed when you buy the ticket (pro-tip: do it online, so no one sees you!). Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 won’t be the best movie you see this year, of that much I’m sure, but I promise you that you’ll be entertained.