By Andy Rooney, of CBS's "60 Minutes"My primary care physician has recommended that I find a way to put more exercise into my daily routine. Normally I avoid all forms of physical exertion, but seeing as I’m no spring chicken anymore I decided it might be in my best interest to take him up on his suggestion. I wouldn’t want to die and miss out on this newfangled digital television. (Sometimes it’s hard to convey sarcasm through writing. So let me just tell you last night I almost electrocuted myself walking into the HDTV my son bought me for Christmas. It thought it was a doorway to the beach and I had my metal detector in hand. Turns out I forgot to turn off the Travel Channel.)
This week, we've covered the Transformers from about every possible angle – except their nether regions, because Bay has that covered. But there's another film starting today that deserves far more asses in seats than Bay's bombastic sequel. I'm talking about THE HURT LOCKER, which – if you couldn't tell from the pull quote above – Screenjunkies thinks is just about the tensest movie that's come out since NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN.
By Spencer Vickers I am 80% convinced that Michael Bay did not give a sweet sh*t about the first hour and twenty minutes of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. What occupies that part of the highly anticipated summer flick is about as dumbed down as you would expect from a film that is brought to you by a toy company (I would like to point out that my previous comment was by no means meant as an attack on Hasbro, for without them my childhood would have been severely depressing). At points the film even borders on offensive (and not the good kind of offensive).
“Oh my God…” That was what the woman sitting behind me in the theater kept muttering as we watched The Hangover together. I have to admit, I had a similar reaction to this clever and raunchy comedy, albeit a silent one. I can understand why Zach Galifianakis’s ass might elicit such a response, verbal or internal. In a world of reimaginings and adaptations, it was refreshing to experience an original piece of material taking full advantage of its potential. The concept is so simple it’s a wonder no one’s thought of it before, but hallelujah for the people out there like Todd Phillips who get creative when delivering big laughs.
If you're reading this during Land of the Lost's opening weekend and happened to have come here from our homepage, you may have noticed the GIANT LAND OF THE LOST AD enveloping it. So, for those of you who think our advertisers dictate our reviews, you probably shouldn't read on. (And those of you who thought our "Best/Worst Movie Time Machines" piece was a thinly-veiled ad for Land of the Lost, you should just stop reading the site entirely.) Because I genuinely liked Land of the Lost.
By Afrim, sole member of the Albanian Guard Hello, United States, for one time again. Is Afrim. Is you remember me? I tell you about movie Angels plus Demons. I back in internet café in Baltimore. I is having problems with travel visa and immigration police tell me I can no go back to Albania. Is okay, I have good bed for sleeping at house of my cousin Fatbardha. Is better than box of wood that I am sleeping in Tirana! Is kidding! I has very comfortable mule for sleeping.
I loved Rian Johnson's first film, Brick* – the neo-hard boiled detective story set amongst high school social circles. It was the one with a bespectacled Joseph Gordon-Levitt, the anachronistic dialogue and the fantastic score by Johnson's brother. I saw it three times in the theaters. Even bought it on DVD. But as I sat down for my screening of Rian Johnson's followup, The Brothers Bloom, a wave of doubt washed over me. No way he can do it again, I thought. Besides, the trailers made it seem like a hodgepodge of styles culled from Johnson's contemporaries. It was Hudson Hawk through the off-kilter lens of Wes Anderson. Not necessarily a bad thing (I'm one of the few with fond memories of Hawk), but it wasn't promising to be a revelation like Brick…
By Afrim, sole member of the Albanian Guard
“Star Trek” has been lying on the emergency room table for a good 10 years now, finally flat-lining with the ultra-flop “Nemesis” back in 2003, and then being confirmed dead when the pitiable TV series “Enterprise” was cancelled in 2005. After having overcome cancellation, diminishing box office returns, and an increasingly maligned mythology only taken seriously by hardcore fanboys, “Star Trek” looked like it had finally breathed its last Enter JJ Abrams, who has retooled, rebooted, and re-energized this franchise into a slick, hip, action-packed and character-driven summer blockbuster that will bring in much-needed new fans and please plenty of hard-to-satisfy Trekkies. The hardcore fans won’t be happy, but then again, are they ever?
I have to warn you: I’ve been an X-Men fan since I was a young’un, even going so far as to have an X-Men tattoo emblazoned onto my left arm in college. Regrettably, my choice – a Jim Lee-era black circle with an “X” inside and red filler – can sometimes be mistaken for neo-Nazi chic. Consequently, my wardrobe will forever include sleeves. Last week, I caught a screening of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and director Gavin Hood gave a very sobered speech prior to rolling the film. In it, he made it crystal clear that the now-infamous leaked version– the one that was critically bashed – was missing about 400 effects shots, an entire score, sound design, and the color timing had not been done, either. In effect, it was a rough cut. I haven’t seen it, though I must admit curiosity after rumors came out that the finished film and the leaked version were virtually the same, in terms of the edit. But I went into it with optimism…
By Taco Perkins Editor’s Note: Per Taco Perkins’ request, we have provided a sample of LL Cool J’s “Rock the Bells.” According to Taco, this will get you in the proper mood for his comical stylings. TacoPerkins Opening – Watch more Funny Videos
By Jay Riotta
You may remember actor Jesse Eisenberg, he’s quite the hot-shot young actor in a circle of “I play disillusioned youngsters wanting to be Holden Caufield” roles. Go down the list….
60 MINUTES' ANDY ROONEY REVIEWS FAST & FURIOUSBy Andy Rooney
By WWE's The Big Show
I take issue with the word "Bromance." But I guess it’s better than Brotonic Brolationship. I Love You, Man is a "bromantic comedy." That’s it. And I am fine with…
Knowing, opening today, is a compelling film that walks the line between horror and science fiction – a genre blend right up the alley of director Alex Proyas, who probably gained the biggest notoriety from the cult fave Dark City. Unlike Dark City, Knowing takes place in the very real world – Melbourne, Australia doubling amazingly as Massachusetts and NYC – and its story drums up a question that’s come to all our minds at some point: does Earthly life have a purpose, or does “sh*t just happen?”
What would you do if bad people raped and left your daughter for dead? So spouts the basic message of the trailer for The Last House on the Left, and apparently, from the few clips shown, the answer is to kill them in as cinematically gruesome ways as possible (if it’s funny, that’s a plus). Wes Craven’s original back in 1972 answered this question by showing us what completely disturbed, depraved, and downright terrifying places a human could go if pushed hard enough. This remake misses the point – most of the killings wind up feeling like those clichés designed only to make you laugh and maybe cringe a little, but hardly ever scare you, and certainly not disturb you. This much-hyped remake is something of a dud, and you can check out exactly why after the jump.
I own well over 1,000 comic books collected over the years, and to this day they sit “bagged n’ boarded” for their protection, tucked away safely in my grandparents’ basement. But I would only consider myself a comic book geek on the superficial level. I was in it for the pictures. If it looked cool, I bought it. If I wanted to read words, I’d buy a novel. And, with no disrespect to artist Dave Gibbons, I never got into Watchmen because it just didn’t look as cool as, say, Jim Lee’s X-Men, or Rob Liefield’s New Mutants. In my adulthood, though, I’ve read the book. It’s dense. It’s dark. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen. But I don’t love it like I’m supposed to.
There is one scene in this movie that makes it worth watching. It involves Clive Owen following an assassin into the Guggenheim Museum in NY. There are dudes with Uzis and shattered glass and screaming tourists and spurting arterial blood. The rest of the movie has none of these things, and is totally confusing, right down to the last scene. But it might be your best bet on a weekend where Chick Flicks are out in force. Beware: there is a giant conspiracy, and it wants YOU to see crappy movies.
There are more Friday the 13th flicks than there are funny movies starring Billy Crystal. Jason Voorhees has been to camp, Manhattan, and even outer space. He has died and has been resurrected. As long as there are horny co-eds with a wild hair up their end to go camping, Jason will be there – machete included.
If you're looking for an highly-imaginative 3D animated Disneyland-like ride at the theaters, Coraline is your ticket. It's a unique movie experience, and could be the most creative 3D movie ever produced. It fits well into the genre of modern day fairy tale as it lures you into an increasingly creepy world where childhood pleasures slowly transform to nightmares.
Review By: Harvey Bodwin, 8th Grade.Outlander is the BEST movie where Vikings are fighting aliens which I have ever seen in all of my whole entire life! It is cool because I like both 1) Vikings and 2) I like aliens. So if you also like Vikings and aliens then you HAVE to see this movie. It is so cool!
I can get a decent amount done in 96 hours. Maybe make a sandwich, sleep, do some work, watch some movies, argue with my girlfriend, go to the gym. In Taken, Liam Neeson is on the next level of productivity. Here are a few of the things he was able to do in the same time period. Warning: there are spoilers.
I'm not an alcoholic. But sometimes I think that the steady flow of beer and whisky for the past 12 years has washed away a lot of my memories. It doesn't help that we live in a society where we are inundated by media. It's impossible to keep track of everything you've seen, and the similar things tend to get squashed together because your brain needs to create categories to file everything. If we retained the plot points of all the movies we'd seen over our lives we would have to forget other things, like how to boil water or what a transmission is. What I'm saying is that I had seen the two previous Underworld movies but could not, for the life of me, remember what the crap they were about.
I didn't get the point of Gran Torino. I also don't get the point when racist old people ramble about how discontent they are with what the world has become. But much like Gran Torino, I enjoy the every-loving hell out of watching them do it.
Defiance is an amazing story that suffers from a poor telling. It is mired in heavy handedness, never freeing itself to be anything other than a tale of revenge. With that said, there are some totally sweet battle sequences and good tough guy-ness on the part of Craig and Schreiber that make the movie a decent view.
(Editors Note: Sometime's two people from the massive staff of Screenjunkies review the same movie, and the best review wins. This is one of those occassions. Here's Thomas Anderson's. Max Power's review can be found here.) I have a confession to make: I’m a sucker for any good old fashioned sci-fi trip, even if said sci-fi trip involves some overused clichés and a plot that doesn’t entirely make sense. These flaws can be forgiven if the rest of the show gives enough thrills, special-events driven destruction, and Keanu Reeves.
I was listening to an episode of This American Life where they break down step-by-step what has happened in the financial markets over the past few months that has made hoards of analysts and traders literally shit their pants. Check it out, it’s mind blowing. The idea that our markets would just freeze up and stop working is something that trusted names in economics are saying is a reality. The consequences would be disastrous. Companies would stop making stuff. Millions of people would lose their jobs. Industrial food production would grind to a halt. We could potentially see a mini-apocalypse as chaos spread around the globe. And what brought on end of days? Terrorists? Nuclear mutual annihilation? Plague? Nope: friggin home loans.