Reviews - Page 11

Review: The International
Friday, February 13 by

There is one scene in this movie that makes it worth watching. It involves Clive Owen following an assassin into the Guggenheim Museum in NY. There are dudes with Uzis and shattered glass and screaming tourists and spurting arterial blood. The rest of the movie has none of these things, and is totally confusing, right down to the last scene. But it might be your best bet on a weekend where Chick Flicks are out in force. Beware: there is a giant conspiracy, and it wants YOU to see crappy movies. 

Review: Friday The 13th (2009)
Friday, February 13 by

There are more Friday the 13th flicks than there are funny movies starring Billy Crystal. Jason Voorhees has been to camp, Manhattan, and even outer space.  He has died and has been resurrected. As long as there are horny co-eds with a wild hair up their end to go camping, Jason will be there – machete included.

Review: Coraline 3D
Monday, February 9 by

If you're looking for an highly-imaginative 3D animated Disneyland-like ride at the theaters, Coraline is your ticket. It's a unique movie experience, and could be the most creative 3D movie ever produced. It fits well into the genre of modern day fairy tale as it lures you into an increasingly creepy world where childhood pleasures slowly transform to nightmares. 

REVIEWED BY AN 8TH GRADER: Outlander
Wednesday, February 4 by

Review By: Harvey Bodwin, 8th Grade.Outlander is the BEST movie where Vikings are fighting aliens which I have ever seen in all of my whole entire life! It is cool because I like both 1) Vikings and 2) I like aliens. So if you also like Vikings and aliens then you HAVE to see this movie. It is so cool!

REVIEW: Taken
Friday, January 30 by

 I can get a decent amount done in 96 hours. Maybe make a sandwich, sleep, do some work, watch some movies, argue with my girlfriend, go to the gym. In Taken, Liam Neeson is on the next level of productivity. Here are a few of the things he was able to do in the same time period.  Warning:  there are spoilers.

LAZIEST REVIEW OF THE MONTH: Underworld 3
Wednesday, January 28 by

I'm not an alcoholic. But sometimes I think that the steady flow of beer and whisky for the past 12 years has washed away a lot of my memories. It doesn't help that we live in a society where we are inundated by media. It's impossible to keep track of everything you've seen, and the similar things tend to get squashed together because your brain needs to create categories to file everything. If we retained the plot points of all the movies we'd seen over our lives we would have to forget other things, like how to boil water or what a transmission is. What I'm saying is that I had seen the two previous Underworld movies but could not, for the life of me, remember what the crap they were about.

Review: Gran Torino
Monday, January 12 by

I didn't get the point of Gran Torino. I also don't get the point when racist old people ramble about how discontent they are with what the world has become. But much like Gran Torino, I enjoy the every-loving hell out of watching them do it.

Review: Defiance
Wednesday, January 7 by

Defiance is an amazing story that suffers from a poor telling. It is mired in heavy handedness, never freeing itself to be anything other than a tale of revenge. With that said, there are some totally sweet battle sequences and good tough guy-ness on the part of Craig and Schreiber that make the movie a decent view.

REVIEW 2: The Day The Earth Stood Still
Sunday, December 14 by

(Editors Note: Sometime's two people from the massive staff of Screenjunkies review the same movie, and the best review wins. This is one of those occassions. Here's Thomas Anderson's. Max Power's review can be found here.) I have a confession to make: I’m a sucker for any good old fashioned sci-fi trip, even if said sci-fi trip involves some overused clichés and a plot that doesn’t entirely make sense.  These flaws can be forgiven if the rest of the show gives enough thrills, special-events driven destruction, and Keanu Reeves. 

REVIEW: The Day The Earth Stood Still
Saturday, December 13 by

I was listening to an episode of This American Life where they break down step-by-step what has happened in the financial markets over the past few months that has made hoards of analysts and traders literally shit their pants. Check it out, it’s mind blowing. The idea that our markets would just freeze up and stop working is something that trusted names in economics are saying is a reality.  The consequences would be disastrous. Companies would stop making stuff. Millions of people would lose their jobs.  Industrial food production would grind to a halt. We could potentially see a mini-apocalypse as chaos spread around the globe.  And what brought on end of days? Terrorists? Nuclear mutual annihilation? Plague? Nope: friggin home loans.

REVIEW: Slumdog Millionaire
Sunday, December 7 by

Damn.  Romantic comedies got dark.  Slumdog Millionaire opens on an Indian kid getting tortured by two police inspectors.  They beat him, hold him underwater, and then  clamp electrodes on his toes.  It’s not The Holiday or Made Of Honor.  This kid’s getting ‘the business.’   Danny Boyle’s feel-good picture of the year (and it does eventually  feel good—my theater applauded) opens like a film about CIA rendition.

Review: The Wrestler
Wednesday, November 19 by

I walked out of the theatre from this movie feeling like I had a metal chair smashed over my face after being suplexd onto a mat covered in broken lightbulbs.  And I mean that in the best possible way. The wrestler brings a level of intensity that you don’t often experience these days. It just hurt so good.

Review: Quantum Of Solace
Monday, November 17 by

Face it.  Bond movies aren't high art. They're movie fast food.  You know what you're paying for.  It's huge, loud, and sandwiched in meat.  So to speak.  Remember the 1980s Big Mac? The hot side stays hot, the cold side stays cold.  Well, Quantum was brilliant junk food.  The girls were hot-ass skinbombs; the guys were cold-ass.  It's not Fellini, Wells, or even Scorsese: it's junk food.  So pull up to the second window and get some extra fries. Here's are your grades, class

Review: Soul Men
Monday, November 10 by

Soul Men has the unusual distinction of having, in its cast, two instrumentally famous African American performers who have both passed away in the past year: Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes. Because of this, it’s almost impossible to look at the film without remembering how much Mac and Hayes have impacted both the acting and music world, and it works to the film’s advantage.

Review: Zach and Miri Make a Porno
Wednesday, November 5 by

   Silent Bob's at it again with a delightfully foul-mouthed romantic comedy about a pair of best friends faced with the age old question: should we bone for money? The movie continues with the same dirty and curse laden frolics as Superbad, Knocked-Up, and all the other gems in the Apatow canon. But don't let the presence of Seth Rogen's milky white gut confuse you. This is very much a Kevin Smith film, though not nearly his best.

Review: JCVD
Monday, November 3 by

Jean-Claude Van Damme is an international action superstar.  With a long line of classics (Bloodsport, Universal Soldier, Timecop, Death Warrant), he has solidified himself as martial arts master and the quintessential action hero.  Yet for all his tireless efforts towards the action genre,  he can't escape from being the butt of b-movie jokes.  Until now.The Plot in 13 WordsA struggling real life Jean-Claude robs a bank, wants a second chanceRecreating the "Muscles"

Review: The Haunting Of Molly Hartley
Monday, November 3 by

There are some movies that will cause your face to bleed from the constant scratching of it that goes on, simply because you do not understand what is happening, or why it is happening. Though all the key elements of a movie are there, like plot, characters, and a central conflict, the universe seems to say the movie should not exist.

Review: Sex Drive Is An F’ing Good Ride
Wednesday, October 15 by

The modern sensitive young male: an enigmatic creature. Conflicted by the need to treat women with respect while simultaneously taught to objectify them at every cost.  Biological drive aside, dudes are instructed by society from a young age to care for and protect the female species. We are also told to be Men, hammer on their va-jay-jays, treat them like shit, and move to the next one.  The mixed messages only lead to frustration, and the frustration does not help you get laid. THAT is what Sex Drive is about.

Review: Body Of Lies
Monday, October 13 by

Different movies are different things. There’s not some goal that every film has to have. You don’t compare Superbad to There Will Be Blood. Although some films are great, and some films are just terrible, the majority are just movies. They are something you watch because you want to be entertained. Body of Lies falls into this category.

Review: Sukiyaki Western Django
Friday, October 10 by

Given the nature of Takashi Miike’s work, it’s only natural that someday he and Quintin Tarantino would cross paths, which is exactly what happened with Sukiyaki Western Django. Please note that this is not a Tarantino film, which anyone who hears about this movie seems to think.

Review: Role Models
Wednesday, October 8 by

Stiffler’s inane pretty-boy-where’s-my-car antics were never really my bag of cats. But every once in a while a movie can come along that’s just good enough to redefine an actor for you. Tropic thunder did it with Tom Cruise. And Role Models accomplished this by pairing Sean William Scott with Paul Rudd, a great clash of pussy-chasing eternal optimism and thirty something angst-frump. It was thoroughly enjoyable. 

Review: “Eagle Eye” Will Make You Paranoid
Monday, September 29 by

Love him or hate him, Shia is going to be around for a while. While I'm not one of the haters, I'm still not entirely convinced he can carry a movie totally on his non-hunky shoulders. Plot:

Review: Religulous Is Preachy But Good
Thursday, September 25 by

If you don’t like Bill Maher then you are not going to like this film. If you are sympathetic to the cause of religion then you are also not going to like this film. If you think that the comedic methods of Sasha Baran Cohen are unfair, then that’s just another reason you will think that this is a shitty movie.  However, if you are like me— an comedy-loving atheist who thinks that Maher makes a good point, even though he’s using the camera as a weapon—then see this film.

Review: Battle in Seattle
Monday, September 22 by

Sitting in front of the TV, watching the riots unfold in Seattle during the WTO from the 4th floor lounge of my college dorm was really when I first got the sense that there might be something amiss in the world of global capitalism.  Starbucks being looted, storefronts being smashed—it turned out that there were some people that were kind of angry about the status quo.

Review: Towelhead Has Enough Awkwardness For Everyone
Wednesday, September 17 by

There’s a whole genre of movies that treat the later days of childhood as nothing but an abrupt movement into a real world where adults are violent perverts or self-serving assholes. They magnify the awkwardness of growing up into something that makes you unable to breathe. 

Review: Burn After Reading Doesn’t Ignite
Monday, September 15 by

I really believe that the Coen brothers have to make movies to stay alive. They hatched a deal with the devil sometime around 1979. They have created some of the best film characters of all time whose quirky qualities gain traction with viewers and endear audiences. They can also do exactly the opposite.

Review: Righteous Kill Is No Mutt
Sunday, September 14 by

When you're looking for two guys to star in a crooked cop movie, you couldn't really ask for a better pair than Pacino and De Niro. I mean, maybe if you were to land Jesus and Rowdy Roddy Piper it would be close. Does all that star power add up to the best movie ever? No. But, Righteous Kill definitely doesn’t suck. Rating: B-

Review: Hamlet 2
Monday, August 25 by

You can lament the time wasted in your youth, your shitty attention span in elementary school, the rattail that you had when you were in middle school, the girls that you could have screwed in high school but you didn’t, the girls that you could have screwed in college but you still didn’t.

Review: The Rocker
Monday, August 25 by

Here we are at the warm, gross dregs of the summer movie season where somewhat decent movies come to mingle with the crap, begging audiences for their money like cinematic homeless people. The Rocker is every bit as funny as Step Brothers.

Review: Death Race
Friday, August 22 by

Rather than reviewing Jason Statham's latest explosion fest in my own voice, I'm going to use the voice of the frat dude that was sitting behind me at the midnight showing I attended last night. Please note that caps lock is used to emphasize both the frat guy's excitement and the movie's resemblance to a fun, 89-minute Mountain Dew commercial.