By Taco Perkins
Editor’s Note: Per Taco Perkins’ request, we have provided a sample of LL Cool J’s “Rock the Bells.” According to Taco, this will get you in the proper mood for his comical stylings.
And now… Laaaadies and Geeeeentlemeeeeen! Please welcome to the staaaaage! Mr.! Tacoooo! Perkiiiiins!
How y’all muthaf*ckas doin’ toniiiiiiiiight?!
Alright, first off, I wanna start off by saying, if there are any white folks in here, y’all best get the f*ck out cause I’m gonna be offendin’ y’all’s sh*t up in here. You know what I’m sayin’? Naaah, I’m just f*ckin’ wit’chu.
But seriously. We got a black President. Now get the f*ck out of here.
*holds for applause from more spirited audience members*
Nah I’m just foolin’.
*mutters in cliché white person voice* “Get in the car, Mary. We’re surrounded by neeegroes!”
Aigth, so I just saw this new movie Obsessed. How many of y’all have seen this? The one with Beyoncé and that good lookin’ motherf*cker from The Wire? Right?
And that white chick from “Heroes” that be lookin all hot and sh*t?
*pauses for silence*
All the black dudes in the audience be like, “What? What white chick?” Tryin’ to play it all cool with their dates. Man, y’all know exactly who the f*ck I mean cause she the one takin’ off all her clothes in the trailer. You got the motherf*ckin’ quicktime saved on your computers… tucked away in that little folder marked “Definitely not white bitches, baby!”
Seriously, though. Let’s talk about the star of this movie. Beyoncé.
Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé.
Beyoncé be lookin’ fiiiine in this movie. And meeeean! You know what I’m sayin’? She be all like, “Sh*t! If the motherf*ckin’ Academy ain’t gonna recognize for Dreamgirls and Cadillac Records, I best just slap the f*ck outta some white bitch tryin to make Obama babies with my man!” Jay-Z better look out. He got ninety-nine problems already. He aint’ wantin’ to add a buncha dead white bitches to the mix. You know what I’m sayiiiiiin?!
And then we got this slick motherf*cker from The Wire. Idris Elba. He on The Office now, too, lookin’ like motherf*ckin’ Urkel on steroids or some shit.
*gets into cliché Urkel character, holding out suspenders with thumbs*
“Hey Caaaarl! Where’s that TPS report, Caaaaaarl?”
Shit. Jaleel White. What happened to that motherf*cker? Oh yeah, he’s emcee tonight. Give it up for Jaleel White!
*Points to emcee offstage who looks nothing like Jaleel White, other than the fact that he wears glasses.*
So anyway Idris Elba be workin’ in this office in the movie, taking care of Beyoncé and their baby. Working all hard and sh*t. He one Ivy League, Shakespeare-quotin’ motherf*cker. And that shit’s hard to relate to. Cause I grew up in the hood, right? And in the hood, our education was reruns of mothaf*ckin’ Good Times.
*holds for applause*
And we learned what was right and wrong from our old man. How did we know something was wrong? Cause we got whupped!
*Holds for longer applause*
Sh*t! Idris Elba look like the only whuppin’ he ever got was in a game of mothaf*ckin’ Candyland or some sh*t.
And then this Ali Larter – the white b*tch from the quicktime, mothaf*ckas, you know who I mean – she comes into the office and throws herself at Idris like he Kobe Bryant or some sh*t. Only Kobe probably f*ck a bitch all nasty-like. But Idris must watch the news cause he all, “Aww hell naw!” But don’t you tell me that mothaf*cka didn’t think about tappin’ dat ass. Sh*t. Like y’all never watched Jungle Fever. That sh*t stays number one on your motherf*ckin’ Netflix, mothaf*ckas. Yo bitch be like, “We sendin’ this back, @$$hole!” And the minute she puts it in the mailbox you be all on your f*ckin’ Internet Explorer and sh*t puttin’ it back to number one on your Netflix queues. Believe ‘dat!
So then this Ali Larter ho gotta go all Fatal Attraction. Bitch be like, “I’m a f*ckin’ kill myself if I don’t get that diiiiiick!” I mean she f*ckin’ crazier than my f*ckin’ cousin Shanice. And Shanice is one crazy f*ckin’ ho. Type a’ bitch who suck a dick cause she thirsty. ‘Cept Shanice ain’t gonna try to kill herself for a dude cause dicks she suck don’t come with no f*ckin’ 401k and medical benefits. I said it! I said it!
Long story short, this motherf*ckin sh*t percolates, and most of this f*ckin’ movie we just waitin’ for Beyoncé to go all Cleopatra Jones on this triflin’ white bitch. But she don’t. Cause she go muthaf*ckin’ Ike Turner on her instead. Mu-tha-f*cka does she ever. F*cks up that bitch’s sh*t like she just forgot the third verse of Proud Mary.
And ladies, I’m f*ckin’ sorry, but nothing turn a black dude on more than a grown ass white bitch and a black woman fightin’ over a black dude. All grindin’ up on a each other and screamin’ and sh*t. Mm. Mm. Mmmmm! Michael Jackson’s kryptonite.
*pause for sparse boos*
Oh shut the f*ck up! Michael Jackson ain’t been black since motherf*ckin’ American Bandstand! Seriously, though, black dudes love that sh*t. Could’a f*ckin’ rebuilt New Orleans with the f*ckin’ wood that came outta the theater. And this is a motherf*ckin’ PG-13 movie.
Now, I guess this be the part in my set when I tell y’all whether or not to go see it. I say wait for the DVD, cause now you got something to replace Jungle Fever as #1 on your Netflix for the next twenty years. Me personally? I’m gonna get the Blu-Ray when it comes out. Cause it’s gonna have some fine ass titties in it and fine ass titties look damn good in 1080P motherf*ckers. Them titties be like they’re projected on a screen inside my mo’f*ckin brain. All slow mo and jigglin’ and sh*t.
And I just got me a new Blu-Ray player.
*points to white couple in crowd*
I think I stole it from these motherf*ckers house last week!
Just playin’! Just playin’! Peace!
– Taco Perkins, the hacky black comedian, has performed on BET’s "Comic View" several times during the late 90s, as well as appeared as a guest star on UPNs short lived, but critically acclaimed series "Homeboys In Outer Space" where he played "Zimborto, king of the nebulasticus galaxy."
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