LAZIEST REVIEW OF THE MONTH: Underworld 3

Wednesday, January 28 by

I’m not an alcoholic. But sometimes I think that the steady flow of beer and whisky for the past 12 years has washed away a lot of my memories. It doesn’t help that we live in a society where we are inundated by media. It’s impossible to keep track of everything you’ve seen, and the similar things tend to get squashed together because your brain needs to create categories to file everything. If we retained the plot points of all the movies we’d seen over our lives we would have to forget other things, like how to boil water or what a transmission is. What I’m saying is that I had seen the two previous Underworld movies but could not, for the life of me, remember what the crap they were about.

Plot Synopsis: Werewolves and Vampires…wait. Half human, half werewolves (Lycans) ar fighting with Vampires because…wait. Why are they fighting?I mean I get that if any two supernatural species are going to have beef, then those would be the logical ones to have said beef, but was there a certain thing that set them off? Anyway, they are fighting and the Vampires have domesticated one of the Lycans who is totally boning the King Vampire’s daughter, but in human form… Listen, It’s basically like Romeo and Juliet, but for kids in trench coats. Oh, and it’s a prequel.

In the process of writing this review while shoveling chips and salsa into my mouth I realized something. Tortilla chips are really basic for a reason: they are a salsa delivery mechanism. You don’t eat barbeque chips with salsa or it just gets confusing.  Along that line of logic, you sure as shit don’t need all this complicated mess of a movie premise to deliver scenes of giant wolf people getting their heads lopped off by vampires with swords.  It’s overdoing it, and true to my chip analogy, in the end the consumer gets confused.  

My point is this. We all drink a lot, and we all like chips and salsa. So please keep any future Vampire/Lycan movies as simple as possible. And one last thing. Stop making movies so dark. Not like in terms of tone or feel, but like really hard to see. My eyesight is going from treating my body like shit.  I give it 7.5/10

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