For most guys, Twilight is about as useful as a non-vodka-soaked tampon. Although it might not seem like something you’re interested in, this article will give you just enough information about the film to fake your way though a conversation, which might help you get in a girl’s pants. Pretty sweet, right? Let’s move on.

Twilight is the first film in The Twilight Saga. It’s so OG that it doesn’t even have "The Twilight Saga" in its name, kind of like Star Wars before George Lucas decided he wanted to piss all over your childhood.

This film tells the lovely tale of how a 100-year-old dude got a 17-year-old girl he basically hates to fall in love with him while he was hanging around high school.

Check out a Guy's Guide to The Twilight Characters, The Twilight Saga: New Moon, and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse


Bella Swan leaves Arizona so her mom can be a MILF with some dude who plays minor league baseball. When she gets to her new school, all these Mormon-faced dorks want to slip their tube steak in her. Instead, she falls in love with Edward Cullen, a 100-year-old man who looks like a teenager and treats her like shit. Edward is part of a clan of vegan vampires who sparkle in the sunlight. He’s a pretty good lesson in what women want, especially women who like stuff like Twilight.

Bella figures out that Edward is a vampire because she is apparently really smart. However, she's not smart enough to know to avoid some dude who breaks into her bedroom and watches her sleep. While playing baseball with the Mormon Vampire Cullen family, another group of vampires who look like the Black Eyed Peas see Bella and decide to eat her. The Cullens don’t cotton to this, and kill one of them to protect her. Specifically, they kill the blond vampire who looks like that guy whose girlfriend you boned in college while he sat in the corner and cried. At any rate, Edward saves Bella’s life after the blond dude bites her, and all is well in Twilight land.

Cringe-Worthy Quotes

“About three things I was absolutely positive: first, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him -- and I didn't know how dominant that part might be -- that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”

Hi thirst for blood might be clue number one that you need to avoid him.

“I'm the world's most dangerous predator. Everything about me invites you in. My voice, my face, even my smell. As if I would need any of that. As if you could outrun me! As if you could fight me off. I'm designed to kill.”

Edward is a very emo killer.

“Death is peaceful, easy. Life is harder.”

Bella Swan is pretty emo, too.

"And so, the lion fell in love with the lamb."


Differences Between the Book and the Movie

  • In the book, the Cullens wear some stupid family crest.

  • Bella has an aversion to eating meat. Oh, the irony!

  • Edward drives a different douchy Volvo in the movie than he does in the book.

  • The book makes a big point about how Bella hates the Internet and has some crappy old computer. In the movie, she has a super sleek Apple laptop that projects holograms from the future onto the wall.

Conversation Starters

Now that you're well versed in the ways of Twilight, impress the ladies with these sexy Twilight conversation starters.

  • So, if I put on glitter would you ignore that I'm creepy and weird?

  • Isn't it romantic when a dude sneaks into your apartment without yo knowing?

  • I've always loved vampires, but I HATE that they suck blood.

  • I love Twilight, but don't you think they should have more premarital sex?

Comprehension Questions

  1. How creepy is Edward Cullen?

  2. Why does everyone like Bella Swan even though she is completely irritating?

  3. Why do the Cullens live in the rain capital of America?