A Guy’s Guide To ‘The Twilight Saga: New Moon’

Friday, November 18 by
 

The Twilight Saga: New Moon is the totally self-important title of the second Twilight film. Here we see the further adventures of Beautiful Swan and Edward “Pedo Bear” Cullen. This is the movie where Bella experiences loss, starts seeing ghosts and hangs out with some Native American werewolf dude until her boyfriend comes back to her. We suffered so you don’t have to, gents.

Check out a Guy’s Guide to The Twilight Characters, Twilight, and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Summary

After the events of Twilight, Edward decides that Bella is safer without him around. This is obviously stupid, because the vampire pack that looks like the Black Eyed Peas are probably pretty pissed that their blond friend got killed in the last movie. Whatever will Bells do without the superhuman strength of a sparkly vampire to protect her?

Even though Edward leaves, Bella keeps seeing him around in ghost form. But while she waits for him to return, she does all kinds of attention-seeking nonsense, including riding a motorcycle (SO EDGY). She also gets pretty close with Jacob the werewolf boy, and he helps her build a motorcycle. Of course, she’s just killing time with Jacob until her wonderful Edward comes back.

Because Edward has a sister who can see the future very poorly, he mistakenly thinks Bella will try to kill herself. As such, he decides to kill himself by heading off to Italy and pissing off vampire royalty known as the Volturi. At the end of the movie, Bella saves Edward and the Volturi tell Edward he has to make Bella into a vampire. They both pretend like this might not happen, even though everyone who has ever seen a movie knows that it will eventually. Also, Edward pressures Bella to marry, making him unlike any man who has ever lived.