The Twilight Saga: New Moon is the totally self-important title of the second Twilight film. Here we see the further adventures of Beautiful Swan and Edward “Pedo Bear” Cullen. This is the movie where Bella experiences loss, starts seeing ghosts and hangs out with some Native American werewolf dude until her boyfriend comes back to her. We suffered so you don’t have to, gents.

Check out a Guy's Guide to The Twilight Characters, Twilight, and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse


After the events of Twilight, Edward decides that Bella is safer without him around. This is obviously stupid, because the vampire pack that looks like the Black Eyed Peas are probably pretty pissed that their blond friend got killed in the last movie. Whatever will Bells do without the superhuman strength of a sparkly vampire to protect her?

Even though Edward leaves, Bella keeps seeing him around in ghost form. But while she waits for him to return, she does all kinds of attention-seeking nonsense, including riding a motorcycle (SO EDGY). She also gets pretty close with Jacob the werewolf boy, and he helps her build a motorcycle. Of course, she’s just killing time with Jacob until her wonderful Edward comes back.

Because Edward has a sister who can see the future very poorly, he mistakenly thinks Bella will try to kill herself. As such, he decides to kill himself by heading off to Italy and pissing off vampire royalty known as the Volturi. At the end of the movie, Bella saves Edward and the Volturi tell Edward he has to make Bella into a vampire. They both pretend like this might not happen, even though everyone who has ever seen a movie knows that it will eventually. Also, Edward pressures Bella to marry, making him unlike any man who has ever lived.

Cringe-Worthy Quotes

“Alice, is it possible that everything is true? Fairy tales and horror stories? Is it possible that there isn't anything sane or normal at all?”

Not really. Nor does New Moon do a very good job of making us feel like we live in a world much like our own, except for vampires.

“If this is about my soul, take it! I don't want it without you.”

Why can’t I quit you, Edward?

“You give me everything just by breathing.”

Jack White said the same thing and it sounded way less stupid. Pretty sad, right?

“It's still my birthday, can I ask for one thing? Kiss me.”

Edward is afraid to kiss Bella because he has a purity ring and is saving it for marriage. Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame...

“Marry me, Bella.”

Time for a shower! Gotta wash Twilight stank off!

Differences Between the Movie and the Book

  • In the book, it is obvious every time Bella sees Edward that she is a crazy bitch who is seeing things.

  • In the book, Bella uses the term “velvet voice” to describe her Edward hallucinations. She says it like every three seconds. It’s seriously the only term she uses, either because she’s stupid or because Stephanie Meyer is a crazy bad writer.

Conversation Starters

  1. I turn into an animal when I get pissed, too.
  2. Is it cool if I ditch you for a few months?
  3. So, you ever hear voices?
  4. I'm saving it for the afterlife, too.

    Comprehension Questions

    1. If you totally disappeared on some girl for months, then reappeared when she was getting into some other dude, how many seconds would elapse between when you reappeared and when she kicked you in the nuts?

    2. What kind of girl thinks it’s awesome when a guy treats her like shit, disappears to “protect” her, and then reappears just as she’s getting into a new dude?

    3. How edgy are motorcycles?

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