A Guy’s Guide To ‘The Twilight Saga: Eclipse’

Friday, November 18 by
Twihard #1! 

Until today, Eclipse was the most recent movie in The Twilight Saga. It’s pretty much the same story as New Moon, except there’s more snow and we have to deal with Edward through the whole thing. Much like the last movie, not much happens, except there’s a sick army of new vampires who tear it up.

Check out a Guy’s Guide to The Twilight Characters, Twilight, and The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Summary

The blond dude from the first movie (the one that Edward killed) has a vampire girlfriend who is still alive. She’s so pissed that she creates an army of vampires to kill Bella. We’re pretty much cheering for the vampire army throughout the movie, because we hate Bella and think that vampire armies are a pretty sweet idea. Apparently, though, vampire armies violate some unwritten vampire law, so the Italian goth family who rules over the vampire world has to step in. The film also focuses on Edward and Bella’s love, and how Jacob is too stupid to move on. Actually, he’s kind of stupid for being in love with Bella in the first place, because what kind of fool loves a girl who hates herself and everything else in the world except some 100-year-old dude who manipulates and abuses her?

Anyway, eventually the vampire army attacks, but because Jacob is kind of a bitch, he makes all the werewolves fight for stupid Bella. Some of the fight scenes on the mountain are admittedly pretty dope, and we like it when Jacob is all like “I gotta cuddle your girl to keep her warm, dawg.” Especially because cuddling is pretty much the equivalent of anal sex in the Twilightverse. At the end of the movie, the Italian goth dudes are all “For real, bro, you have to make your girl a vampire,” setting the stage for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part I, the film with the worst title in the history of cinema.

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