Until today, Eclipse was the most recent movie in The Twilight Saga. It’s pretty much the same story as New Moon, except there’s more snow and we have to deal with Edward through the whole thing. Much like the last movie, not much happens, except there’s a sick army of new vampires who tear it up.

Check out a Guy's Guide to The Twilight Characters, Twilight, and The Twilight Saga: New Moon


The blond dude from the first movie (the one that Edward killed) has a vampire girlfriend who is still alive. She’s so pissed that she creates an army of vampires to kill Bella. We’re pretty much cheering for the vampire army throughout the movie, because we hate Bella and think that vampire armies are a pretty sweet idea. Apparently, though, vampire armies violate some unwritten vampire law, so the Italian goth family who rules over the vampire world has to step in. The film also focuses on Edward and Bella's love, and how Jacob is too stupid to move on. Actually, he’s kind of stupid for being in love with Bella in the first place, because what kind of fool loves a girl who hates herself and everything else in the world except some 100-year-old dude who manipulates and abuses her?

Anyway, eventually the vampire army attacks, but because Jacob is kind of a bitch, he makes all the werewolves fight for stupid Bella. Some of the fight scenes on the mountain are admittedly pretty dope, and we like it when Jacob is all like “I gotta cuddle your girl to keep her warm, dawg.” Especially because cuddling is pretty much the equivalent of anal sex in the Twilightverse. At the end of the movie, the Italian goth dudes are all “For real, bro, you have to make your girl a vampire,” setting the stage for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part I, the film with the worst title in the history of cinema.

Cringe-Worthy Quotes

“I know the consequences of the choice you're making.”

Mostly because I am the only person capable of understanding what a total dick I am.

“Can you at least attempt to control your thoughts?”

Bro, I can read your spank bank. Keep it under wraps.

“Face it, I am hotter than you.”

We seriously expected Edward and Jacob to start making out after this line.

“Relax Bella, you'll warm up soon Faster if you take your clothes off.”

Yes. You will “warm up faster” if you take your clothes off, revealing your chestless, boyish body to me.

Differences Between The Book and the Movie

  • In the book, the werewolves kill all the vampires and feast upon the corpse of Bella Swan. Ok, that’s not what actually happened in the book, but it was what happened in our Twilight fan fiction.

  • In the book, Edward gets sick of Jacob and tears him limb from limb in front of Bella, a clear sign of vampire superiority. Nope. This didn’t happen, either.

  • In the book, Bella realizes that Edward is probably a sociopath, because what other 100-year-old man would be bird dogging chicks down at the loca high school? You guessed it. This is also a fabrication.

Comprehension Questions

  1. Name one plot difference between New Moon and Eclipse. Hint: You will not find one.

  2. Is Jacob creepy or awesome when trying to have Mormon sex with Bella?

  3. What is the stupid rule that makes the Volturi kill the vampire army?

  4. How glad are you that you will only have to sit through two more of these movies?

Pickup Lines

  1. Did you know I’m really 100 years old?

  2. Face it, I am hotter than you.

  3. I’m glad you can’t read my mind like Edward Cullen.

  4. Wanna see my vampire purity ring?