WOLVERINES!!! ‘Red Dawn’ Remake To Be Released Next Year

Monday, September 26 by
"All that hate's gonna burn you up, son." "Keeps me warm." 

Though it wrapped in 2009, nary a word has been said about the equally anticipated and maligned Red Dawn remake. Starring Chris Hemsworth, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, and Adrienne Palicki, and coming in at a budget of $60 million, the film had been in the can with no release plans until a year ago.

Why? China.

The bad guys in the 1984 original were predictably the Soviets, which wouldn’t really make a lot of sense today. So the writers simply made the Chinese the ones who bring the fight to America‘s doorstep.

With China’s clout and purchasing power growing to juggernaut status, no studio wanted to risk offending the eastern superpower, so they punched up some of the images and dialogue in post and…voila! The Chinese become North Koreans! Cause that’s not offensive at all!

The North Koreans are forbidden by both their government and ours from buying any US goods, including films, so no one gives two shits if they get their feathers ruffled. YOU HEAR THAT NORTH KOREA? YOU GUYS CAN ALL GO TO HELL!!!! WOLVERIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINES!

Ahem.

FilmDistrict will be releasing the remake sometime in 2012. If they can change Chinese people to North Koreans, it’s gotta be possible for them to punch in some footage of Harry Dean Stanton getting gunned down while singing “America the Beautiful,” right?

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