We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. If you woke up in the wilderness with either Gary Busey or Nicolas Cage, who would you trust to get you out alive? Fight!

Gary Busey

God help me if I ever wake up in the woods with either Nic Cage or Gary Busey. Either prospect is terrifying, and no one should ever have to experience such horror. But if, God forbid, I were to end up in such a situation, I would much rather wake up next to Gary Busey. That may be the first time in history anyone has ever written that, but it’s true.

First of all, let’s get one thing straight: Gary Busey ain’t what he used to be. Ten years ago, I might have chosen Cage. Busey in his prime is not something to fuck with. Have you ever seen Surviving the Game? It involves Busey hunting a man in the woods for sport. Does that sound like the kind of guy you want to be stranded with?

But today’s Busey is a shell of his former self. He’s 66 years old. These days, the only thing he’s hunting for is Metamucil and Fiber One at the grocery store. I’m not in the best of shape, but if you put me against a 66 year old, there’s a 99% chance I’m coming out on top. Compare that to a 47-year-old Nic Cage.

So, we’ve established that Busey is less of a threat. But at the end of the day, having a decrepit old man in the woods doesn’t really help matters, either. However, keep in mind, Busey is insane, and that could really come in handy. Have you seen “Celebrity Apprentice”? Last week, they told him to put on a suit that was too small, walk around the streets of New York, and throw pepperoni slices at people. And without batting an eye, he did it. Imagine how useful that could be in the woods!

Hey Gary, see if there are any animals in that cave!

Hey Gary, see if you can get the honey out of that bees nest.

Hey Gary, cut off your own arm so we can eat it.

And remember what the wise man said about being chased by a bear. You don’t have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the guy running next to you. So in case of a bear attack, it’s a good idea to keep an old man around. Besides knowing Busey, he probably wouldn’t even run from the bear. He’d go over and try to talk to it, and maybe teach it a thing or two about Jesus through the use of his patented Busey-isims. Meanwhile, I’m halfway out of the woods.

Would Busey be the first person I’d chose to be stranded with? No. But all things considered, I feel he could prove to be a real asset. Nic Cage, on the other hand, can’t even seem to survive with millions of dollars to his name. He already managed to lose all of his money, and the guy was richer than the pope. Is that really the type of guy you’re going to put in charge of rationing the acorns you’ve foraged? I think not. Busey wins, hands down.

Nic Cage

If I suddenly came to in the woods, I’d want to look over and see Nic Cage staring back at me with that sly grin of his. My guess would be he’s already been in that situation before. He probably gets lost in the wilderness for kicks, and then passes off advice to Bear Grylls so he looks all bad-ass on his TV show. Busey may be a crazy mo-fo, but Cage would BECOME a warrior, not just act like one.

Cage invented a brand new method of acting called Nouveau Shamanic. It basically affords him the ability to run around like a bat-shit crazy lunatic and refer to it as acting. He has justified his own madness and labeled it with an equally ridiculous name. That means not only will his body be lost in the woods, but his mind will be as well. For argument’s sake, let’s say Cage fancies himself a wolf, because he most likely would convince himself that he is in fact a wolf. The splayed open deer carcass next to his tracks and the smeared blood on his face would immediately tip me off. He’d shove a handful of entrails in my face and I’d indulge for fear of pissing off the beast. We’d both be well feed before heading off for civilization.

Let’s say we encounter a bear in the woods, as it of course picked up the scent of deer blood. Cage has been married three times. Once to an Arquette and once to a Presley. A bear is child’s play at this point. Cage would let out a primal scream that would make the bear reconsider its existence. But bears are stubborn creatures, so naturally a wrestling match would ensue. And Cage is not above biting. I’m not saying that Cage would dominate the entire time, as this struggle could last a good hour, but in the end he’d emerge victorious. Why? Because not even a bear has enough stamina to out last Cage. The man does 4-5 movies a year.

So the bear is dead. Now it’s time to quit screwing around. Cage would bust his satellite phone. He didn’t do this in the first place because his intention was to fight a bear. Within minutes an Apache helicopter would be hovering over us. Did you forget that Cage loves to waste money almost as much as he loves overacting? Oh I mean putting Nouveau Shemanic into practice? In 1997 Cage broke the auction record for Lamborghinis when he placed a bid on a rare Miura SVJ for US$490,000. He makes around 40 million dollars a year. Cage could buy and sell Busey, then invest in some better art for his samurai sword room.  Anyway, we’d climb up the rope ladder and be flown to safety.

None of these assumptions though trump the fact that Gary Busey hunts humans. Just wait for that old man to have a flashback, think he’s back on the set of Surviving The Game, and you’re deader than Ice-T’s rap career.