R.I.P. TomKat. It wasn't meant to be. Last week, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes announced their divorce. This news begs many questions and strategies as to where the family goes from here. So let me offer some free advice. I'm also open to cash payment for this advice, but I'm in no way demanding it, as I consider celebrity PR work a hobby of mine, even though I have no training nor have I ever had a client.

But I do have a passion for telling near-strangers how famous people should live their lives. And I’ve got a vehicle (this site) with a substantial, albeit demented, readership.


Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise could pick up another doe-eyed starlet or other impressionable flame, but that’s sort of what we expect. I’m waiting for news to break that he’s on vacation with their nanny any minute now. No one wants that story. It’s trite, it’s sad for the kids, and it would be non-news were it to occur.

Rather, Tom should do what we all really, really want him to do. Cavort around town as a big flamboyant queen. Like Capri pants and tank tops-style queen. I don’t really care if he’s gay or not, nor does most of America, but we’d like to see TC do something a little different.

Lance Bass.

I had a team of scientists working on an algorithm that could determine the one person that was the exact opposite of a hypothetical amalgam of Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, and Katie Holmes, and they came back with results that indicated Lance Bass is the most diametrically different person in the universe from the aforementioned. Interestingly enough, Joey Fatone was number two. Huh.

Tom would go to club openings, get pictured gassing up a tiny Mercedes convertible and just generally being really gay. I don’t need him to start a handbag line or anything, but just live a little louder than he did before. He’d become likable again, something he hasn’t been in more than a decade.

I guarantee if he jumps on Oprah’s couch as a result of loving some dude, he becomes America’s sweetheart. He’s got a winning style, an amazing pedigree, and despite all the hate, I think America and the world really wants to like this guy. I mean, what kind of world is it that people are rooting for Tom Cruise to fail?

That’s totally f*cked, guys. For reals. I mean, he did this:

Katie Holmes

Katie has youth on her side, which is a nice thing to have. It affords her time and options. Initially, she was seen as a damsel that would be indoctrinated into Scientology and would be kept as Mr. Cruise’s child bride.

It didn’t quite go down that way. Or maybe it did. People stopped thinking of Katie in any human way whatsoever and just started thinking of her as a younger, healthier-looking version of Victoria Beckham. Not bad, but not really good, either.

Katie Holmes is likable enough, I guess. I say that meaning I don’t explicitly wish her any harm. So let’s see her have some fun, too. Before Tom Cruise, she was dating Chris Klein, which I’m sure was pleasant enough, but not like a carnival ride of fun.

Which is why she needs to get after a guy that’s nothing but fun. I’m thinking Pete Doherty, I’m thinking Andy Dick, I’m thinking 50 Cent. Maybe Johnny Knoxville. I don’t really care who, which is unfortunate, because I’m tasked with writing this feature on who she should see next.

Conner Cruise

I know precisely jack shit about Connor Cruise. And that’s high praise. Despite being the adopted black son of Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise, he’s miraculously managed to stay out of the headlines and out of trouble. Nicely done, Connor. Don’t change a thing. And if you were close with your step-mom, I’m sorry you lost her in all this, but just stay in touch.

You’re doing it right Connor. Against all odds,


Oh, Suri. Oh, Suri. Oh SuriSuriSuriSuri.

Where do I begin? This won’t be easy for you. You were fighting an uphill battle to be a normal child the second you were born, and now you belong to a broken home. You might be inclined to just give up as you hear these words read to you by the Scientology intern that reads you all the articles that pop up on your Google Alert, but don’t.

This is an opportunity to make a fresh start. One that you’ve needed for so long. You look tired, Suri. Take a step back from the spotlight. Hang out with Connor. That kid has a good head on his shoulders. Own the opportunity for reinvention by getting a fun new haircut like your mom did with that pixie cut a few years back.

Dance like no one’s watching, Suri.

Take some time for yourself by just going to that island that your parents probably bought you for your half birthday between your second and third birthdays. Spoil yourself rotten with Lunchables and flaxseed shakes and just rise above all the noise that you’re hearing right now. Most of all, know that your parents love you very much, even if they’re pretty weird, what with your mom never smiling and your dad smiling all the damn time.

You’re going to get through this. Most importantly, don’t see Rock of Ages. Avoid it like the plague if you still want to maintain a shred of respect for your dad.

Good luck to this whole, weird, sill family.