What’s Playing This Weekend? (June 3rd)

 

If you ask me, all mutants should be rounded up and put into camps. But hey, that’s just my opinion. Apparently, I’m in the minority, since another mutant propaganda film, X-Men: First Class, is opening this weekend. Once again, liberal Hollywood is trying to shove the mutant agenda down middle-America’s throat. Well I, for one, have had enough. I’m making a $500 donation to Senator Robert Kelly’s reelection campaign. He’s the only one with the balls to stand up to these deviants.

But enough about my personal political views. Let’s talk about what’s playing this weekend.

3 photosThe January Jones/Emma Frost Underwear Shots We’ve All Been Waiting For

X-Men: First Class

After the disappointment of X-Men 3 and Wolverine, fans of the x-Men franchise have high hopes for this prequel. Does the film deliver?

Well, if nothing else, we’ll get to see January Jones in her bra and panties.

Best Review
The finest comic-book flick since 2008′ The Dark Knight.

Lisa Kennedy – Denver Post

Worst Review
Too bad that First Class torpedoes its lofty intentions with flights of idiocy so wrongheaded as to be almost endearing.

Richard Corliss – TIME Magazine

Our Recommendation
Don’t listen to Richard Corliss! Everyone else seems to be enjoying the film. He probably just got dumped or divorced or something. Speaking of dumps…

Love Wedding Marriage

This is unfortunate. I’m not going to bother describing the plot, because with 17 critics reporting in, not one could find anything redeeming about this film.

If the guy handling this film’s PR is reading, $150 bucks will get you a positive review from Jame Gumb of ScreenJunkies.com. Hit me up on Facebook.

Best Review
No, really. No one liked this movie.

Worst Review
If there is a special hell for film critics, it probably has movies like “Love, Wedding, Marriage” on continuous rotation.

Jeannette Catsoulis – New York Times

Our Recommendation
Screw the critics. Go see this movie, if only out of pity for Dermot Mulroney. He seems nice enough.

Submarine

Submarine tells the story of Oliver Tate and his quest to lose his virginity and save his parents’ marriage, not necessarily in that order.

If you’re a fan of British comedies, you’ll probably love this film. If you’re not a fan of British comedies, you’re a right wanker. Piss off, you stupid git!

Best Review
A charming indie that combines dreamy aspiration with mucky, hilarious reality.

Joe Neumaier – New York Daily News

Worst Review
An affected tale centered on one of those ultra-precocious adolescents one rarely if ever encounters outside of memoirs and sitcoms.

Frank Swietek – One Guy’s Opinion

Our Recommendation
Sure, Frank Swietek didn’t like this film, but keep in mind, that’s just one guy’s opinion. No, really, look at his website. 91% of the critics disagree with him, so be sure and give this film a look.