Tyler Perry Will Be Returning In An Alex Cross Sequel With A Comically Lazy Title

Thursday, October 18 by
All joking aside, he looks like he's the type of guy who would have sleep apnea in a big way.  

I could go into yet another thing about why this is stupid, how bad the movie is (14% Rotten Tomatoes so far…), and why Tyler Perry sucks, but that’s pretty well-worn territory around here. And I could probably lay into the fact that the most formulaic author in the world used the most formulaic wordplay in the world to shit out another piece of “literature.”

Nope. Instead, let’s look at the synopsis for Double Cross and make fun of it:

Just when Alex thought his life was calming down into a routine of patients and therapy sessions, he finds himself back in the game–this time to catch a criminal mastermind like no other.

A spate of elaborate murders in Washington D.C. have the whole East Coast on edge. They are like nothing Alex Cross and his new girlfriend, Detective Brianna Stone, have ever seen. With each murder, the case becomes increasingly complex. There’s only one thing Alex knows: the killer adores an audience.

As victims are made into gruesome spectacles citywide, inducing a media hysteria, it becomes clear to Alex that the man he’s after is a genius of terror–and he’s after fame. The killer has the whole city by its strings–and he’ll stop at nothing to become the most terrifying star that Washington D.C. has ever seen.

Brianna Stone? Really? REALLY? That’s the name of your sexy female detective? I guess there’s no room for subtlety in Tyler Perry films, but whatevskis. Fine.

Oh. There’s going to be media circus. So I guess these are high-profile crimes. Interesting. That really could have gone either way.

The murders are elaborate. That’s good. It would be funnier though if Cross had to track down some fat guy who was just clubbing pedestrians in the head with a softball bat.

“The killer has the whole city by its strings…” What strings? That’s not a common idiom at all! And this is for a book! “Money, fame, looks…I’ve really got this city by the strings. ALL the strings, gorgeous.”

They probably announced their intentions for a sequel so early because they need to get a lead time on Tyler Perry’s giant sweaters for the role. They have to ramp up the breeding of sheep to produce the 47,000 acres of wool needed to cover TP’s enormous torso.

 

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