It’s pretty much common knowledge that the People’s Choice Awards are a joke. Every year, you laugh at the nominees, and then laugh even harder when you read about the winners. But when was the last time you actually sat down and watched the entire ceremony? You probably can’t remember. After all, what kind of asshole would subject themselves to that kind of torture? Well, last night, I was that asshole.
I watched the entire show from start to finish so you didn’t have to, and a more sickening display I cannot recall. I knew it was going to be bad, but I was utterly shocked at just how bad. But even in a sea of horrible moments, I managed to find a few islands of pure awfulness that somehow stood out. I give you the worst moments from The People’s Choice Awards.
Queen Latifah as Host
It’s bad enough to watch a meaningless award show, but it’s a thousand times worse when your host has all the charisma of a drugged-out homeless woman. Listening to Queen Latifah shriek her way through the show was about as fun as watching her shriek her way through a Queen Latifah movie.
Although she was bad throughout, the intro takes the cake. Watching an unenthusiastic crowd forced to wave their right hands in unison while Latifah sang “Dynamite” was like watching some sort of bizarro Nazi rally at Nuremberg, except for the fact that the Nazi’s were better dressers.
Conan O’Brien Wins
Conan winning for Best Talkshow Host was one of the high points of the show. But watching someone with actual talent in a room full of shills was depressing in its own special way.
During his acceptance speech, O’Brien made a crack about the mic stand being too short. “I can’t believe I have to crouch this low.” Neither can I.
Prodding the Audience to Keep Voting
Throughout the show, presenters asked the audience at home to keep voting, as if it could determine the winner. This was insulting on so many different levels. First of all, all of the winners are told ahead of time, so what’s the point? Second, I was watching the show on the West Coast. It had already aired everywhere else. If I sent enough texts, were they going to drive over to Kid Rock’s house and take his award back?
Oh, by the way; Kid Rock won the People’s Voice Award. F*ck me.
Early on, the show bragged about receiving over 175 million votes, the highest turnout in its history. That fact is even more impressive, considering that only about 90 million people cast votes in the 2010 election.
Granted, people can vote multiple times for the People’s Choice Awards, but the same can be said for congressional elections, depending on the district.
Adam Sandler/Grown Ups
Adam Sandler took home the award for Best Comedic Actor, while his film, Grown Ups, took home the award for Best Comedy Film. As if to highlight the injustice, Sandler, who was sporting a black eye, told the following “joke” during his acceptance speech.
“I wanted to go see the Black Eyed Peas, and the lady thought I said, ‘Black Eye, Please!’” I’m not even a Sandler hater, but holy sh*t.
As I mentioned earlier, the award winners are notified beforehand, so none of the other nominees want to show up just to lose. I can’t say I blame them. This causes a problem for viewers. Any time you see a celeb, you can be 99% sure they won an award. And whoever was directing this sh*t show had a nasty habit of cutting to a shot or interview of a celeb about ten minutes before their category was announced, which killed what little suspense there might have been.
Elton John Has Gone too Far
I know Elton John is a champion for gay rights, but slowly morphing into a Lesbian woman is taking it too far. Looking like Hillary Clinton isn’t going to win you any friends in the flyover states, Sir Elton.
Viral Video of the Year
And the viral video of the year goes to…”Single Ladies?” WTF? Where is “The Bed Intruder Song?” I’d even settle for “Double Rainbow.”
Movie of the Year: Twilight
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse won for Best Film. Yeah, it’s not surprising, considering kids are probably the only ones who vote for this trash. After all, kids are stupid. But that’s why we don’t let them make decisions.
If your kid rubbed its shit on the wall, you’d clean it up, and tell no one about what happened. On the other hand, the producers of The Peoples Choice Awards would broadcast it for the world to see, and have celebrities pretend to get excited.
Blatant Product Shilling
I have no problem with sponsors on broadcast television. It’s a small price to pay for free entertainment. But Jesus Christ, The People’s Choice Awards would have tattooed an ad for CVS Pharmacy on to Queen Latifah’s tits if the company would have asked.
And Jesus, CVS Pharmacy? I go there to buy toilet paper and condoms. I had no idea it was actually a high-end beauty boutique.