We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. This Sunday, millions will tune in to watc The Academy Awards, but does the little gold statue really represent greatness, or are the celebs just kissing ass? Fight!

Top Honor

The Oscars is without a doubt a self-congratulatory lovefest, but it’s also a well-respected ceremony that’s distinctions should not be looked down upon. We’re not talking about The Golden Globes here. No one even knows who the hell votes on the Globes. It’s the Hollywood Foreign Press, but who the hell comprises that? The Masons might as well be bestowing the honors. The Academy Awards are voted on by peers in the entertainment industry. It’s friends deciding on friends, or enemies deciding on enemies. Either way, performances are being evaluated and judged by people who work in the craft themselves. An actor can be just as easily snubbed as he is honored. And you know Jack Nicholson isn’t voting for a certain nominee just because the studio promised him an entire week in Fiji.

Politics are part of the game. Hell, they’re part of any game. But that shouldn’t discredit the entire ceremony. Studios spend gobs of money campaigning for their films. Why wouldn’t you push for the Academy members to see what many talented people have spent months toiling on? Hundreds of screeners go out. Nominated actors and actresses do press junkets and plaster on fake smiles. Everyone’s pulling the same tricks, and it spreads the word, but in the end it really all comes down to the final product. If Natalie Portman wins for Best Actress this year it won’t be because she kissed a lot of ass over the past couple months (which she didn’t do much of anyway), it’ll be because she delivered a damn powerful performance in Black Swan. If The King’s Speech wins Best Picture, it’ll be because it honestly was the best picture of the year. At least according to The Academy. And of course it’s all subjective. It’s art. But this isn’t the People’s Choice Awards. It’s THE ACADEMY Awards. Did you see what won Best Picture at this year’s People’s Choice? The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. Shoot me in the fucking head. That’s what democracy gets us. I’ll put my trust in The Academy, thank you.

Let’s also not forget how much America loves movies and celebrity culture. Just what garment an actress struts in down the red carpet can cause an uprising on social media platforms. People NEED to tune into this shit. It gives them a certain sense of satisfaction to see their favorite celebrities receive accolades. In fact, the nominees usually receive a boost in box office numbers, and the winners an even bigger boost. You didn’t think the studios were shelling out all the cheddar for nothing, did you? The show itself is a little overdramatic, but you have to keep viewers interested for 3+ hours. The musical numbers are for the moms, the revealing gowns are for the dads, and the whole giving out the awards parts are for the cinema lovers who are lucky enough to not be so jaded they can’t at least appreciate the novelty of it.

An Oscar isn’t a Noble Peace Prize, but it’s the highest honor in the entertainment industry. People love getting them, people love giving them, and people love watching them being given and gotten. No one’s getting hurt, and the few lucky stars who do end up winning one often go on to do even greater things. Unless they’re Cuba Gooding Jr.

Circle Jerk

It’s Oscar time. You know what that means? Absolutely nothing!

The Oscars are the biggest circle jerk in Hollywood, a town internationally renowned for its circle jerks. Every year, the “Academy” feels the need to waste over three hours of everyone's time with an overly dramatic, sanctimonious ceremony at which ego-maniacal assholes present each other with awards for playing make believe. Honestly, do we need to spend that much time congratulating someone who pretends for a living. Don’t get me wrong; I love movies, but if you get to star in them, that is your fucking reward. You shouldn’t need a statue to go along with it.

The entire show could be wrapped up in an hour, but then I suppose we wouldn’t have time for all of the ass kissing. For starters, there’s the obligatory movie montages. Look, I love classic films as much as the next guy, but how much is it going to change from year to year? We get it. Bette Davis was a good actress. Hey look, it’s a clip of William Holden. Awesome. Gosh, I sure hope they remembered to include Cecil B. Demille. Oh good. They did. Thank God.

And then there are the musical numbers. I know when I tune in to a show about cinema I’m expecting to see a bunch of dick heads prancing around in tights doing interpretive dances. That just screams “movie magic.”

And how can we forget the in memoriam portion of the show, where Hollywood honors those in the business who passed away during the previous year. This should be a somber touching moment, but instead, it turns into little more than a popularity contest. Rather than hold their applause until the end, which would be the decent thing to do, those in attendance can’t wait to cheer wildly for their favorites. After all, screw that no-name film editor who gave 60-years of his life to cinema.

And then there are the awards themselves, which are a joke. I’m not saying that from time to time the best person or film doesn’t win. But often, it’s simply not the case. I understand that some people get lucky and are in the right place at the right time. But Marisa Tomei? Whoopi fucking Goldberg? Give me break. There’s nothing worse than watching some flavor of the month sneak in and scoop up the awar knowing full well that some many talented people will go to their grave without ever getting the slightest bit of recognition. Yeah, not everyone can win, but Cuba Gooding Jr.? Fuck me.

Which brings me to my last point. How do you even begin to decide who is the best actor or actress? Unless everyone is playing the same part, it’s totally subjective. Should someone who is playing a long-dead king of England be compared to someone who is playing a 20-year-old smart ass in a hoodie? And why bother to separate the awards by sex? We’re not lifting weights or menstruating. Do men have some sort of advantage in the acting department? It’s all bullshit. The only thing that saves this show is the fact that the Grammys and the Golden Globes are even worse.