The Golden Globes are a joke, and everyone knows it. A lot of people like to get worked up about this fact. I used to be one of those people. But now, thanks in part to Wellbutrin, I no longer care, and I accept the show for what it truly is: masturbation.
But you know what? Masturbation can be fun, and the Golden Globes are no exception. Throughout the years, they have made for some pretty entertaining moments, which is probably due, in no small part, to the fact that the attendees are allowed to drink. So rather than bitching and moaning about how the whole thing is pointless (as compared to what, life?), lets just sit back and enjoy these nine ‘WTF’ moments from Golden Globes past.
Scarlett Johansson Groped
Back in 2006, Isaac Mizrahi had the pleasure of interviewing Scarlett Johansson as she walked the red carpet. Mizahi, who is openly gay, took the liberty of groping her left breast as he complimented her dress. If I touched Johansson’s tits, they’d lock me away. But just because this guy loves boners he can fondle her with impunity. What a crock of sh*t! Johansson later said the incident was in bad taste. I’m assuming she was talking about the award show in general, not just the boob grab.
You know, thirty years ago, people would have hated Isaac Mizrahi for being openly gay. Today, people only hate him because he works for E! That’s what I call progress.
Christine Lahti Is Too Busy Taking a Dump
In 1998, Christine Lahti was honored with a Golden Globe Award for her work on the medical drama, “Chicago Hope,” which is better known as the ugly cousin of “ER.” But when it came time to accept the statue, she was no where to be found. As it turns out, she was in the bathroom dropping a deuce (that means pooping), which is a fitting metaphor for the Golden Globes. But at least the gaffe allowed the irrepressible Robin Williams to make an inbreeding joke at the expense of the South. He was between that and a joke about Asians, but ultimate went with the Southern joke, probably cause Asians know kung-fu and shit. Am I right? Am I right? Stereotyping is fun!
Ving Rhames Gives Away His Award
It’s rare to see a genuine heartfelt moment at an awards show, especially a show as contrived as the Golden Globes. But in 1998, Ving Rhames was overcome with emotion after winning an award for his performance in the HBO movie, Don King: Only In America. Rhames thanked his fellow nominees, and singled out actor Jack Lemmon in particular. After calling Lemmon to the stage, Rhames insisted he take the award instead, and after much coaxing, Lemmon obliged. It was a memorable moment, sullied only by the fact that the award is meaningless.
The Rat Pack Storms the Stage
In 1958, Frank Sinatra and company were at the Golden Globe awards, drinking heavily. Apparently, they weren’t to thrilled with whoever was hosting the event. Maybe it was the alcohol, or the fact that Frank Sinatra was allowed to do whatever the hell he wanted, but the group decided to storm the stage and act as MCs for the rest of the show. It went over so well, that the group was asked to return the following year, or at least that’s what Moviefone tells me. Sorry there’s no clip, but the Golden Globes weren’t televised until 1964.
Tom Arnold Acts Like a Coked Up Asshole
In this classic clip from the 1996 show, Tom Arnold made a complete ass of himself while trying to mock his ex-wife, comedian Rosanne (I’m not sure if she has a last name at this point). The actor’s first joke to actress Teri Hatcher (want to be in a movie?) came off as creepy, and the rest of his act went over about as well as a Jew joke at an AIPAC convention. Watch for yourself, if you have the stomach. It’s amazing that Ricky Gervais can pull off this type of humor.
Isaiah Washington Drops the F-Bomb (No, The Other F-Bomb)
When being questioned about behind-the-scenes tension on the set of “Grey’s Anatomy,” actor Isaiah Washington decided to set the record straight once and for all, and inject a little levity into the situation at the same time. Unfortunately, his use of the word “fag” went over about as well as a gay joke at Elton John‘s house. Wow, I’m on a real simile kick. At any rate, Washington was booted from the show shortly after. Blame it on the Gay Mafia.
Ricky Gervais Mocks Mel Gibson
At the time, Ricky Gervais’ joke about Mel Gibson’s drinking was hilarious. Just one year later, it seems even more profound. While I doubt Mel will be attending this year’s ceremony, I’m 100% certain Gervais will have something good in store for him. Blow jobs, domestic violence, racial slurs; the possibilities are endless.
Bette Midler Talks About Her Breasts, Mimics Fellatio
Some guys think Bette Midler is sexy. We call them gay guys. I’m not saying she isn’t talented, but Bathhouse Betty has all the sex appeal of Kevin James, and smaller tits to boot. That’s what makes this clip from 1980 so disturbing.
Pia Zadora’s Husband Buys Her An Award
In what is widely considered the biggest WTF moment in Golden Globe history, Pia Zadora took home the “Newcomer-of-the-Year” award in 1981. While that might not seem like a big deal, the film she won for, Butterfly, had not yet been released, meaning she wasn’t even eligible for the award.
As it turns out, Zadora’s husband, multimillionaire Meshulam Riklis, had basically bought off the judges with expensive trips to Vegas and lavish meals at his home. Since then, the Golden Globes have had about as much credibility as the AVN awards. But in all fairness, the Golden Globes have bigger whores.