Anne Hathaway and James Franco have been roundly panned for their performance at last night's Academy Award ceremony. And while I hate to jump on the snarky anti-Oscar bandwagon, the fact remains that last night's broadcast sucked more than one of Charlie Sheen's house guests. For a show that was supposed to appeal to a younger audience, it sure did rely heavily on comedic cliches, and that's coming from a guy who just made a Charlie Sheen joke. But what it lacked in originality it more than made up for in geriatrics. If that sounds exciting, you're going to love the seven most miserable moments of the 83rd Academy Awards.

Moms and Grandmas

Hey look, Anne Hathaway’s mom is in the audience, and so is James Franco’s grandmother. Isn’t that adorable? Sure, I suppose it is, if you’re a 60-year old woman. Otherwise, watching a celebrity’s family reunion is about as exciting as watching a Staten Island children’s choir.

Kirk Douglas

I was happy to see Kirk Douglas alive and kicking. He’s a living legend who commands respect. But he’s also a 94-year-old stroke victim. This isn’t "Harrison Bergeron." Maybe it wasn’t the best idea in the world to have him speak for a prolonged period. It would be one thing if he was accepting a lifetime achievement award. In that situation, you let the man talk as long as he wants. But watching him present an award was just painful, and would have killed the show’s momentum if there had been any. Next year, why not have Michael J. Fox hold the boom mic?

James Franco In Drag

Putting a man in drag is the comedic equivalent of shrugging your shoulders and saying “f*ck it.” Honestly, what could be more uninspired. This is the Oscars, not Big Momma’s House III. They had a year to come up with this shit.

Anne Hathaway In Anything

James Franco was bad. Anne Hathaway was worse. I wanted to like her, I really did. But she was awful. You could make the argument that at least she was trying, as compared to Franco who seemed to be phoning it in. But in this situation, less was more. Maybe that’s not fair, but neither was having to sit through Anne singing that stupid song about Hugh Jackman. Jesus Christ, I think Whoopi Goldberg might have been more entertaining, and I’m not talking about when she hosted the Oscars. I’m talking about her role in the 1995 comedy, Theodore Rex.

Melissa Leo Drops the F-Bomb

I don’t mind foul language. In fact, I fucking love it. But this is the Oscars. Millions of people are watching, including children. Do I think a bunch of brats hearing an F-Bomb or two are going to instantly turn into juvenile delinquents? No. But Melissa Leo’s use of the word during her rambling acceptance speech was pointless. If you’re going to break out the big guns in a situation like the Oscars, it should at least be funny or clever. Leo was neither, and it just came across as desperate. Besides, if she wanted to go that route, fuck is played out. She should have told the audience she would C U Next Tuesday.

Billy Crystal Makes Me Miss Billy Crystal

For years, I hated Billy Crystal’s trite, predictable Oscar routines. But seeing him last night in the middle of such a sub-par show made me nostalgic for his bland musical numbers. I’m not sure if this is the result of Hathaway and Franco’s failure, or the fact that I’m slowly becoming my parents. Either way, it made me very, very sad.

The Singing School Kids

Maybe I’m just a soulless bastard, but what the hell was the point of bringing in the childrens choir to end the show? Were they cute? I guess, if you’re a woman or a pedophile. But so what. Why not just end the show with stream of puppies and kittens being released onto the stage. Actually, that’s an awesome idea. It would have been a lot more enjoyable than some brats from Staten Island.