Super Werewolves: Rambo’s Natural Enemy

Friday, September 11 by

 

Editor’s Note: The real Sylvester Stallone did not write this. 

By Sylvester Stallone

 

Yo, Internet.

 

Almost thirty years ago, I tied on a bandana, broke a few necks and changed the face of cinema as we know it. Of course I’m referring to my role as John Rambo in First Blood. I fostered that character through four films and over time, created one of the most iconic characters in film. Even children in Kuwait recognize Rambo. In fact, I believe Rambo II is opening there just in time for the big Ramadan movie season.

 

And with only the exception of Oscar, F.I.S.T., Rhinestone, Cobra, Nighthawks, Cop Land, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Tango & Cash, Get Carter, Daylight, The Specialist, Rocky III, Demolition Man, Assassins, Driven, Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over, Antz, that one episode of "Las Vegas," D-Tox, Lock-Up, and  perhaps the helicopter avalanche scene from Cliffhanger, I’ve made some great films. So I believe I’m at a point in my career where I’ve earned the right to experiment.

 

And that’s why it pains me that so many of you are up in arms over my announcement that the tentatively titled Rambo V: The Savage Hunt will involve John Rambo leading a team of elite Arctic commandoes in a fight against a feral wolf/ghost creature.  Was Joe Namath bombarded with derisive comments from his interior linemen when he called an audible on the field? I’d like to think that if Broadway Joe wanted to run up the middle on a 3rd and 8 because he saw something he liked – and just happened to want to involve a feral wolf/ghost hybrid beast in that play’s execution – that no one would have batted an eye. But I digress. What I should be focusing on is setting the record straight and meliorating your apprehensions with this morsel of fact: Rambo V‘s feral wolf/ghost creature is actually genetically-engineered. And last time I checked, genetic engineering is a very real, albeit emerging science.  I bet you feel stupid now.

 

I fully realize how steering the franchise into the realm of science fiction – or the next step down from science fact – could be shocking, but I believe that Rambo is the perfect character to battle at unstoppable wolf monster who channels the primal rage we all feel at our base levels. I couldn’t very well have Rocky fight this thing. That would look ridiculous. And I never got to make that movie where I’m a scientist who fights resurrected saber-toothed tigers that I wanted to make a few years ago. I saw an opening and I went for it. I mean, my word, you make ONE Rambo movie in which he fights a werebeast and suddenly you’ve raped someone’s childhood in a Pontiac while Joey Travolta stands look out. Your parents shouldn’t have let you watch those movies anyway.

 

And to those of you who are whining about the lack of realism that was established in the previous films, I’ve got news for you. Those movies weren’t real. For instance, Brian Dennehy as an evil sheriff in First Blood? Please. Someone of Brian Dennehy’s stature and girth can only be one thing: avuncular and/or jolly. Also, the only story that rightfully has an evil sheriff in Robin Hood. Had Alan Rickman played the evil sheriff in First Blood, you might have an argument. Which brings me to my next point, why would Rambo’ weapon of choice be a bow and arrow? And how could he be so effective with it? We never had a montage in which the spirit of Ted Nugent visited John Rambo in a fever dream and aided his mastery of bow hunting.  Again, had that been the case in First Blood, with a powerful Nugent cameo and Rickman as evil sheriff, then you might have me cornered in this game of wits. But again, the only characters who can pull off the use a bow and arrow are Robin Hood, Green Arrow, Ted Nugent and Squanto. This is why you’re wrong, and why the Robin Hood mythology is so revered. 

 

Here’s one more idea to let you fanboys’ percolate on: if not a ghost wolf were-creature of super strength and speed, who’s left for me to fight? I’ve alread taken on entire armies of rednecks and Asians and frankly, once you’ve detonated a man at close range with a Gatlin gun, everything else is kind of a letdown. So you see, I had to fight this scientifically-created fury beast or whatever it is. It’s the only opponent that presented a true challenge to John Rambo. 

 

Also, 20th Century Fox wouldn’t agree to let Rambo fight the Predator.

 

Today’s Marquee Links:

Jennifer Calloway

Sexual Healing, Part Deux

Turn Your Laptop into a Bad Motherf**ker

Diary of a Rejected Peanuts Character

 

Do you like this story?

More about...