Stephen King Has Some Ideas For ‘The Stand’ Remake, Loves Cole Slaw

Friday, February 4 by

Stephen King has worked hard to earn his status as a best-selling author and Maine’s creepiest man (which if you’ve ever been to Maine, you know the competition is fierce). That’s why producers of the upcoming remake of his end of days epic The Stand should listen to his advice. Unless he suggests adding a few killer cars to the story. That seems to be his answer for everything.

King has already been through the process of adapting The Stand for the 1994 television miniseries. With that experience under his belt, here he lists ten things he knows about the remake. He’s surprisingly mute about Pet Semetary however.

1. No one will be able to top Gary Sinise, who played Stu Redman in the original ABC miniseries. He was perfect. When he says “You don’t know nothing” to the soldiers who are putting him under mandatory quarantine, you believe his contempt completely. My runner-up pick would be Jake Gyllenhaal.

2. I didn’t know anything about the remake until I read about it on the Internet.

3. You absolutely can’t make it as a two-hour movie. If it was a trilogy of films … maybe.

4. Molly Ringwald won’t be playing Fran Goldsmith this time.

5. Rutger Hauer is a little too old to play the Walkin’ Dude, and that’s too bad.

6. People who’ve seen Kubrick’s The Shining dislike the miniseries I wrote (and my amigo Mick Garris directed) even if they haven’t seen it. That’s always annoyed me. But the wheel of karma turns! This time people will probably say, “The miniseries was lots better.” BUT…

7. …historically speaking, movie studios blow the budget on things like this, so maybe it’ll be fun to look at. The dough certainly isn’t going to me, although if it is a trilogy, and if it makes a lot of money, I might be able to buy a chicken dinner at Popeye’s. Great slaw!

8. Molly Ringwald will probably not play the Trashcan Man, either, but Billy Bob Thornton would be cool. Billy Bob’s always cool.

9. They need to write in a lot of heavy-metal for the soundtrack.

10. M-O-O-N, that spells “you probably won’t see this anytime soon.” And when you do, Woody Allen won’t be directing it. Or Molly Ringwald.

Great. There goes all my hopes of seeing Woody Allen directing. >:(   (EW)

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