‘Spider-Man’ Reboot To Suck in 3 Dimensions

Wednesday, February 10 by

IN MIND-BONING 3D!!!!!!!!!

Sony seems to be having a good time pushing Marc Webb around as he develops their Spider-Man reboot. Sony Marketing Chairman Jeff Blake announced today that the movie will be forcing its way into theaters on July 3rd, 2012 in sure-to-be-dull-by-then 3D. Great. Now I have to risk pink-eye to see this studio-directed bastardization? From Blake:

“Spider-Man is the ultimate summer movie-going experience, and we’re thrilled the filmmakers are presenting the next installment in 3D. They resisted at first but we tightened the vice on their testicles and convinced them to see things our way. We find that groin pain can be quite the motivator. Spider-Man is one of the most popular characters in the world, and we know audiences are eager and excited to discover Marc’s fantastic vision (stiffles laughter) for Peter Parker and the franchise. Now let’s cram this baby full of villians and give Spidey a jive-talking sidekick. Maybe a flying squirrel voiced by Eddie Murphy or something. And tits. I’m told teenage boys like tits.”

No word yet on the film’s title or which little jerk will star as Peter Parker. (Deadline Hollywood)

 

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