Shut The Hell Up In Movie Theaters

Wednesday, July 6 by
 

”Oh my god, Brad Pitt is still so hot!  Look at him!  It’s like looking at the sun.  What do you think Brad and Angie’s sex life is like?  Wait, what just happened?  Why are there dinosaurs?”

No, I’m not about to go off on Tree of Life.  Well, I could, but I won’t.  Not this week anyway.  What you just read is a small sampling of what I had to listen to during a recent viewing of the film.  Really, I could have picked any movie and given you a list of lines I overheard.  Why?  Because people can’t shut the hell up in the theater!

No Texting In The Movie Theater

I’ve blogged about this before, but it bears repeating.  I’m sure you all saw the video from the Alamo Draft House with the transcript of the drunk moviegoer who sent text messages and got kicked out.  Seriously funny stuff and I appreciate the heck out of ADH for having the guts to do that.  (Also, I want them to open one in Los Angeles.) But that’s beside the point.  The point, my friends, is that people are rude.  They’re rude and I’m sick of it.

I review films for a living and I have to go to quite a few screenings.  Let me tell you, even some of my fellow critics are guilty of it.  I’m not sure when we went from being respectful audience members to a room full of primates, but I think it has a lot to do with home viewing and cell phones.  All of a sudden, it’s totally acceptable to sit in a restaurant and talk on your phone.  I’m certainly one of those people who checks my emails in the middle of a conversation.  (To be fair, I only do it if someone else does it first.)  I’m used to talking in front of my TV because I can pause and rewind.  But in a theater, I keep my damn mouth shut.

So here is my plea.  My list of things not to do in a theater.  My humble attempt at begging you not to do something that is going to make me smack you in the back of the head.  Oh, I’ll do it.  Don’t test me.

First, shut up.  I know your Facebook and Twitter buddies think your soundbites/updates are just the funniest thing since Caddyshack.  In fact, I bet you’d be an awesome stand up.  But this is not open mic night at the Improv.  I paid a lot of money to be here and I certainly didn’t pay to hear you wax poetic about 3D or bitch about the glasses.  I mean, I agree, they’re a pain in the ass, but we can talk about that after the film.  We can have a mass burning of the damn things if you like.  I’ll bring the lighter fluid.  But while the film is on, no one cares how fabulously witty you are.  Oh and those stage whispers count too.  I can still hear you.  Don’t make me get out the duct tape.

Smart phones are little magical boxes full of win.  I love mine.  Not when I have to make an actual phone call, but who does that anymore?  (Well, outside of restaurants.)  But not in a theater!  I’m fairly certain your Twitter followers will live if you don’t update them every five minutes.  I actually watched a woman have an entire Twitter conversation about the film she was watching during the movie.  Also, she spoiled the twist for me.  Now, you may say, why were you reading it?  Well, considering it was the brightest light in the room, it was hard to resist.  (I also might have been looking so I could get her Twitter handle and send her a nasty message after the show.  It might have been really, really nasty.)  Shut off your phone.  Will someone please tell me how there are that many stupid people in the world?  I can see you, you idiot!  Bright shiny light, dark room.  Sigh.

Keep your stinky food at home.  I don’t want to pay $78 dollars for a tiny box of candy any more than you do.  I’ve certainly been known to pack a lunch.  But more than once in my life, I’ve sat next to someone eating a tuna sandwich or Greek salad during a film.  You smell.  You smell bad.  It’s worse than someone eating McDonald’s in a subway car.  And there is no way to escape.  If I try to get up, I step on toes, block people’s view of the screen and probably fall down on someone’s lap. Embarrassing when that happens.  So I just have to suffer through that curry dish you’re stuffing your face with.  Seriously, how do you even eat something like that in the dark?  It’s probably all over you.  Last week, someone was crunching Corn Nuts next to me and slurping the bottom of the soda cup through a straw.  And it was a huge soda, which means they’re going to climb over me to get to the bathroom in about 10 minutes or shake the entire row while doing the seated version of the potty dance.  It’s only two hours without food guys.  You’re unlikely to starve to death.  Chew gum or something.

Babies do not belong in the theater for non-baby films.  I mean, your kid is adorable.  It’s just the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.  In fact, I’m pretty sure your bundle of joy will grow up to broker world peace, cure cancer and invent the flying car.  I’m also pretty sure that this horror film is going to scar him for life and he’s going to scream his adorable little pumpkin head off through the entire thing.  Maybe we leave wittle puddins home next time?

And one more thing.  I like to refer to this as the bathroom rule.  You know how you go into a public restroom and correct etiquette is to leave a space between you and that other guy?  If the theater is pretty empty, please don’t sit right next to me or right in front of me.  I’m sure you’re a great person and if we met on Match.com or at a bar, we’d totally hit it off.  We’d probably be married in a week or besties in seconds.  But there is such a thing as personal space.  If you have the luxury of a choice of seating…chose the one a few seats away.   Seriously.  I’ll crunch corn nuts in your ear if you don’t.

What is your worst theater etiquette story?  Mine had to be the guy eating a tuna sandwich, followed by pistachio nuts whose shells he threw on the floor, all while kicking the seat.  I like to think he was ambushed by goblins when he left the theater.  Go ahead and sound off below.  I can’t wait to vent with you.

 

Do you like this story?

More about...

COMMENTS

  1. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Waheed

    My worst story is seeing Star Trek in a packed theater on opening day. I get that people love Star Trek and want to see it repeatedly. Except I happened to sit within earshot of somebody who’d seen it just that morning and bought a friend along and decided to provide a running commentary the entire time describing in detail what he loves and hates about the film. All while he ate Burger King. In a cinema. This is why I stick to afternoon showings on my own. Minimum hassle or distraction and many like-minded people come to the early screenings for the same reason and are always respectful of other patrons.


  2. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Kris Rudin

    My story -

    guy (stands up): hello?
    guy (walks to aisle, stepping on toes): oh, not much. watching a movie.
    audience members: SHHHHH!!
    guy (walks to side of theater – NOT OUT): Yeah, in a theater.
    guy (still standing in theater): Yeah, it’s pretty good so far
    audience members: SHHHHH!!
    guy (STILL IN THEATER): yeah, maybe later we can meet
    audience members: SHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
    guy: Ok, bye, see ya later
    guy walks back to seat, completely nonplussed…
    Oh, and the voice he used was the typical “I’m on a cell phone so I have to shout” voice. Unbelievable.


  3. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Myfroissticky

    its usually black people making all the noise.


  4. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Peter Pixie

    We went to see Labyrinth in the Theatre last year.Everytime David Bowie’s junk was on the screen in its 50 feet of glory the young girls behind me made a point to make a lot of noise about it. It wouldn’t have been so bad if they were quiet during the rest of the film.  Now, I think everyone should be required to sing along to the songs, of course, but they didn’t sing. They commented on the Hawtness that was David Bowie.  I get it – he was a very handsome man. But I was there with my wife and daughter and really didn’t WANT running commentary of the things they wanted to do to him.


  5. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Monkey Jedi

    Went to see ‘Super 8′ and the guy two seats next to me is texting like crazy. He doesn’t turn it down so it makes a little ringing sound whenever he gets a message. The woman behind him tells him it’s rude. He continues to do it and the guy in front of him tells him he’s being annoying. The guy leaves for about ten minutes & comes back & continues texting. This is about an hour in! He drops phone & is on his hands & knees looking for it. He asks the guy in front of him to see if it fell under his chair & the guy rightly refuses. He then moves into the seat next to me & asks if he can borrow my phone to use the light to look for his phone. I tell him, ” NO. I don’t give a fuck about your phone & frankly, you’ve been annoying everyone throughout the whole movie. If you have somewhere more important you should be, then maybe you should leave.” Then, he puts his hand on my arm & says, “Fair enough, I’ll wait until after the movie.” I almost lost my shit when he touched me. He left it there for longer than was comfortable. I’m not a violent person, but any longer & it may have gotten physical. It is NOT okay to be a nuisance in a theater & touch a total stranger. Personal space!


  6. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    Oh. My. God!  This is why I feel stabby when I watch films. 


  7. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    I can’t stand the running commentary.  I actually got into a fight over it after a film.  Clearly I have rage.  ;)


  8. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Mel

    my worst story….well the one that comes to mind, as i’ve sadly had many (we watch way too many movies) was at a matinee showing (opening weekend) of public enemies……we lived in the area where they shot much of the movie and there were these incredibly annoying older people that decided to sit right behind us and talk the entire movie about all the landmarks…..AND THEY GOT MOST OF THEM WRONG! by the end of the movie i was fuming in my seat and the hubby had me sit there until they left so i didn’t give them a heart attack or something when i gave them a piece of my mind 


  9. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    JR

    Shrek 2, opening night. The guy and his girlfriend are in front of us in the queue waiting for staff to finish cleaning up from the previous showing, they’ve obviously had an argument, and he’s being a total douche. Get inside, he’s having a tantrum and talking loudly on his phone about his girl being a bitch. Right in front of her! (Yeah, I know this is a separate rant, but it’s relevant!) Movie starts. He’s steadily texting someone through the first 20 minutes or so, then blatantly takes a call without even getting up or apologizing to the people around him. Gets off the phone, his girlfriend is doing that hissing whisper thing that carries so well. “Oh. My. Gawd. Why do you have to be SUCH an asshole! I am _leaving_! No, I am leaving!” She stands up, he refuses to let her go and pulls her back down into her seat. A few minutes later the scene where Puss in Boots is bathing himself on Donkey’s back comes up, when he’s licking himself. The girl LOUDLY proclaims, ‘Why can’t _I_ do that? Then I wouldn’t need YOU anymore!’ The guy gets up, throws his drink on her – along with about six other people in the spray zone – and storms out. The theater ended up giving all 250 or so of us comp passes for our inconvenience.


  10. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    JR

    Shrek 2, opening night. The guy and his girlfriend are in front of us in the queue waiting for staff to finish cleaning up from the previous showing, they’ve obviously had an argument, and he’s being a total douche. Get inside, he’s having a tantrum and talking loudly on his phone about his girl being a bitch. Right in front of her! (Yeah, I know this is a separate rant, but it’s relevant!) Movie starts. He’s steadily texting someone through the first 20 minutes or so, then blatantly takes a call without even getting up or apologizing to the people around him. Gets off the phone, his girlfriend is doing that hissing whisper thing that carries so well. “Oh. My. Gawd. Why do you have to be SUCH an asshole! I am _leaving_! No, I am leaving!” She stands up, he refuses to let her go and pulls her back down into her seat. A few minutes later the scene where Puss in Boots is bathing himself on Donkey’s back comes up, when he’s licking himself. The girl LOUDLY proclaims, ‘Why can’t _I_ do that? Then I wouldn’t need YOU anymore!’ The guy gets up, throws his drink on her – along with about six other people in the spray zone – and storms out. The theater ended up giving all 250 or so of us comp passes for our inconvenience.


  11. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    JR

    Shrek 2, opening night. The guy and his girlfriend are in front of us in the queue waiting for staff to finish cleaning up from the previous showing, they’ve obviously had an argument, and he’s being a total douche. Get inside, he’s having a tantrum and talking loudly on his phone about his girl being a bitch. Right in front of her! (Yeah, I know this is a separate rant, but it’s relevant!) Movie starts. He’s steadily texting someone through the first 20 minutes or so, then blatantly takes a call without even getting up or apologizing to the people around him. Gets off the phone, his girlfriend is doing that hissing whisper thing that carries so well. “Oh. My. Gawd. Why do you have to be SUCH an asshole! I am _leaving_! No, I am leaving!” She stands up, he refuses to let her go and pulls her back down into her seat. A few minutes later the scene where Puss in Boots is bathing himself on Donkey’s back comes up, when he’s licking himself. The girl LOUDLY proclaims, ‘Why can’t _I_ do that? Then I wouldn’t need YOU anymore!’ The guy gets up, throws his drink on her – along with about six other people in the spray zone – and storms out. The theater ended up giving all 250 or so of us comp passes for our inconvenience.


  12. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Hausmaus07

    At a IMAX (re:EXPENSIVE) showing of 300, a group of high school kids sat directly behind my roommate and proceeded to talk loudly, snicker and make a series of not even clever gay jokes regarding the Spartans. You know the drill. At one point (i don’t remember what point in the film, as these shitbags were really raising a ruckus at this point) one of them answers his cell phone. At this point, my friend stands up and politely says “please hang up your phone, leave the theater and continue your call, or “else”. The kid got lippy and chose else. My friend snatched his phone, removed the battery and handed it back to him, while dumping the battery over the edge of the stadium seating and into a hallway.  


  13. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Hausmaus07

    At a IMAX (re:EXPENSIVE) showing of 300, a group of high school kids sat directly behind my roommate and proceeded to talk loudly, snicker and make a series of not even clever gay jokes regarding the Spartans. You know the drill. At one point (i don’t remember what point in the film, as these shitbags were really raising a ruckus at this point) one of them answers his cell phone. At this point, my friend stands up and politely says “please hang up your phone, leave the theater and continue your call, or “else”. The kid got lippy and chose else. My friend snatched his phone, removed the battery and handed it back to him, while dumping the battery over the edge of the stadium seating and into a hallway.  


  14. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Cat

    Worst story is when I worked at a theater. We were cleaning up between shows on an opening weekend. That meant get in there and start the second the credits roll. I reached under a seat for a crushed popcorn bucket only to discover it was not a bucket at all. It was a dirty diaper! Yes..I said that. A DIRTY DIAPER! They changed the baby IN THE THEATER and threw their mess on the floor!!! WTF?!?! 


  15. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Cat

    Worst story is when I worked at a theater. We were cleaning up between shows on an opening weekend. That meant get in there and start the second the credits roll. I reached under a seat for a crushed popcorn bucket only to discover it was not a bucket at all. It was a dirty diaper! Yes..I said that. A DIRTY DIAPER! They changed the baby IN THE THEATER and threw their mess on the floor!!! WTF?!?! 


  16. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Cat

    Worst story is when I worked at a theater. We were cleaning up between shows on an opening weekend. That meant get in there and start the second the credits roll. I reached under a seat for a crushed popcorn bucket only to discover it was not a bucket at all. It was a dirty diaper! Yes..I said that. A DIRTY DIAPER! They changed the baby IN THE THEATER and threw their mess on the floor!!! WTF?!?! 


  17. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Cat

    Worst story is when I worked at a theater. We were cleaning up between shows on an opening weekend. That meant get in there and start the second the credits roll. I reached under a seat for a crushed popcorn bucket only to discover it was not a bucket at all. It was a dirty diaper! Yes..I said that. A DIRTY DIAPER! They changed the baby IN THE THEATER and threw their mess on the floor!!! WTF?!?! 


  18. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    Rock on!  So glad you said something!!!!!!


  19. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    Rock on!  So glad you said something!!!!!!


  20. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    Rock on!  So glad you said something!!!!!!


  21. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    Rock on!  So glad you said something!!!!!!


  22. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    Rock on!  So glad you said something!!!!!!


  23. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    I had the older people experience during Memoirs of a Geisha.  These two older women kept saying things like, “Oh my gawd, how does she walk in those shoes?”  “I know!  I could never wear those.  They would kill my corns.”  “Well, she’s young, you know,” etc.  Had to take deep breaths…


  24. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    I had the older people experience during Memoirs of a Geisha.  These two older women kept saying things like, “Oh my gawd, how does she walk in those shoes?”  “I know!  I could never wear those.  They would kill my corns.”  “Well, she’s young, you know,” etc.  Had to take deep breaths…


  25. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    I had the older people experience during Memoirs of a Geisha.  These two older women kept saying things like, “Oh my gawd, how does she walk in those shoes?”  “I know!  I could never wear those.  They would kill my corns.”  “Well, she’s young, you know,” etc.  Had to take deep breaths…


  26. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    I had the older people experience during Memoirs of a Geisha.  These two older women kept saying things like, “Oh my gawd, how does she walk in those shoes?”  “I know!  I could never wear those.  They would kill my corns.”  “Well, she’s young, you know,” etc.  Had to take deep breaths…


  27. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    I had the older people experience during Memoirs of a Geisha.  These two older women kept saying things like, “Oh my gawd, how does she walk in those shoes?”  “I know!  I could never wear those.  They would kill my corns.”  “Well, she’s young, you know,” etc.  Had to take deep breaths…


  28. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    Oh my god, what a nightmare!  Glad you got a comp pass…but that bathing line IS pretty funny.  :)


  29. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    Oh my god, what a nightmare!  Glad you got a comp pass…but that bathing line IS pretty funny.  :)


  30. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    Oh my god, what a nightmare!  Glad you got a comp pass…but that bathing line IS pretty funny.  :)


  31. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    Oh my god, what a nightmare!  Glad you got a comp pass…but that bathing line IS pretty funny.  :)


  32. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    You win.  You totally win.  That is the worst…eeeeew!!!


  33. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    You win.  You totally win.  That is the worst…eeeeew!!!


  34. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    You win.  You totally win.  That is the worst…eeeeew!!!


  35. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    You win.  You totally win.  That is the worst…eeeeew!!!


  36. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    You win.  You totally win.  That is the worst…eeeeew!!!


  37. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    Is it weird that I now have a huge crush on your friend? ;)


  38. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Boogie Man

    my worst was The Dark Knight, midnight premeire. Now it must be known that I am an avid (or more honestly, rabid) Batman fan. I know near, if not all information there is to know, so I am really looking forward to this movie. I was sitting in my usual movie spot location, 4th row, centered. Well suffice to say the theater was packed for a small city, and i expected at least a couple whispers, and maybe a few comments, but the guy who sat in front of me was un-fracking-believable. He did not shut off his phone so “soulja boy” rang every time a text came through. The people around him politely asked him to turn it off several times, i did once as well. He ignored us. he continued his plight of annoyance by acknowledging how horrible of a Joker, Ledger was, and that “he” could act better than him. At this point i was close to losing it. so i lean forward and whispered in his ear. “One more time, and you will NOT see the rest of this movie tonight.” well he just turned around and said “shhh we’re in a theater.” I nearly decked him, but held back. not 10 minutes later he commented on how ugly Maggie Gyllenhal was compared to Katie Holmes.
    .
    .
    .
    I lost it.
    I grabbed him from behind and performed a well maneuvered sleeper hold and with in about 45 seconds he was out cold. and me and the rest of the theater enjoyed the rest of the movie in peace. Im sure the theater woke him up afterwards. 


  39. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Boogie Man

    my worst was The Dark Knight, midnight premeire. Now it must be known that I am an avid (or more honestly, rabid) Batman fan. I know near, if not all information there is to know, so I am really looking forward to this movie. I was sitting in my usual movie spot location, 4th row, centered. Well suffice to say the theater was packed for a small city, and i expected at least a couple whispers, and maybe a few comments, but the guy who sat in front of me was un-fracking-believable. He did not shut off his phone so “soulja boy” rang every time a text came through. The people around him politely asked him to turn it off several times, i did once as well. He ignored us. he continued his plight of annoyance by acknowledging how horrible of a Joker, Ledger was, and that “he” could act better than him. At this point i was close to losing it. so i lean forward and whispered in his ear. “One more time, and you will NOT see the rest of this movie tonight.” well he just turned around and said “shhh we’re in a theater.” I nearly decked him, but held back. not 10 minutes later he commented on how ugly Maggie Gyllenhal was compared to Katie Holmes.
    .
    .
    .
    I lost it.
    I grabbed him from behind and performed a well maneuvered sleeper hold and with in about 45 seconds he was out cold. and me and the rest of the theater enjoyed the rest of the movie in peace. Im sure the theater woke him up afterwards. 


  40. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Boogie Man

    my worst was The Dark Knight, midnight premeire. Now it must be known that I am an avid (or more honestly, rabid) Batman fan. I know near, if not all information there is to know, so I am really looking forward to this movie. I was sitting in my usual movie spot location, 4th row, centered. Well suffice to say the theater was packed for a small city, and i expected at least a couple whispers, and maybe a few comments, but the guy who sat in front of me was un-fracking-believable. He did not shut off his phone so “soulja boy” rang every time a text came through. The people around him politely asked him to turn it off several times, i did once as well. He ignored us. he continued his plight of annoyance by acknowledging how horrible of a Joker, Ledger was, and that “he” could act better than him. At this point i was close to losing it. so i lean forward and whispered in his ear. “One more time, and you will NOT see the rest of this movie tonight.” well he just turned around and said “shhh we’re in a theater.” I nearly decked him, but held back. not 10 minutes later he commented on how ugly Maggie Gyllenhal was compared to Katie Holmes.
    .
    .
    .
    I lost it.
    I grabbed him from behind and performed a well maneuvered sleeper hold and with in about 45 seconds he was out cold. and me and the rest of the theater enjoyed the rest of the movie in peace. Im sure the theater woke him up afterwards. 


  41. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    LOL!!!!  Seriously, I’m dying over here!  Woot!


  42. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    LOL!!!!  Seriously, I’m dying over here!  Woot!


  43. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    LOL!!!!  Seriously, I’m dying over here!  Woot!


  44. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Mel

    i was so stabby by the end that i remember saying to the hubby when we finally did leave “if i ever get like that just put me out of my and everyone else’s misery” 
    i apparently am right there with you on the rage at the movies thing ;)


  45. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Dennymom3

    GOOD BOY!!


  46. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    ReggieBomb

    Once upon a time someone sat next to me and proceeded to eat an entire rack of baby back ribs. they gnawed and were sucking on the bones. total mess everywhere.  IDIOTS!!


  47. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Dennymom3

    and this $%$# didn’t get kicked out forever or escorted by the cops? he deserved it!!


  48. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Dennymom3

    and this $%$# didn’t get kicked out forever or escorted by the cops? he deserved it!!


  49. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Dennymom3

    and this $%$# didn’t get kicked out forever or escorted by the cops? he deserved it!!


  50. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Dennymom3

    Amen to that!!! I will only go to the earliest showing I can find….better selections of seats too!


  51. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Mac

    I had been dating this girl for a few weeks and we decided to go see Iron Man 2.  and before we went I told her how much i hated when people were on their phones during the movie and how disrespectful it is and ruins the movie experience. she said she felt the same way.  so we are 30 mins into the movie and she pulls out her phone and starts texting.  I couldn’t believe it since we just had a conversation about it.  I was angry and embarrassed at the same time.  I dropped her off after the movie and told her to never call me again


  52. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Cat

    I stood up and yelled across the theater to my co-workers that I was not paid enough to pick up a dirty diaper. I walked to another row and continued cleaning and the father of a family that was still watching the credits, leaned over and PICKED UP THE DIAPER as THEY were the ones who shoved it under the adjacent seat. Worst and proudest working for a theater moment all in one.


  53. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    bender

    I like to bring my taser to the theater when i go. I always get the ruddest people next to me. The whole theater can be empty and where do they sit. A row in front or behind me !! ANd of course there the people that just have to talk and text. so now I just taser them and there silent the rest of the movie. ahhhhhhhh. I’ve also pulled out my phone and shoved it in there face and go “does this bother you cause it bugs the hell out of me ” That is the first warning. then comes the taser. Bastards !!!


  54. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    bender

    I like to bring my taser to the theater when i go. I always get the ruddest people next to me. The whole theater can be empty and where do they sit. A row in front or behind me !! ANd of course there the people that just have to talk and text. so now I just taser them and there silent the rest of the movie. ahhhhhhhh. I’ve also pulled out my phone and shoved it in there face and go “does this bother you cause it bugs the hell out of me ” That is the first warning. then comes the taser. Bastards !!!


  55. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    bender

    I like to bring my taser to the theater when i go. I always get the ruddest people next to me. The whole theater can be empty and where do they sit. A row in front or behind me !! ANd of course there the people that just have to talk and text. so now I just taser them and there silent the rest of the movie. ahhhhhhhh. I’ve also pulled out my phone and shoved it in there face and go “does this bother you cause it bugs the hell out of me ” That is the first warning. then comes the taser. Bastards !!!


  56. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    Ugh!  Rude!


  57. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    That makes me want to wear a plastic suit to the theater.  I can’t watch someone eat those at the best of times…  ;)


  58. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    Badass movie goer!!!! 


  59. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    MoK

    DIARY OF A MAD BLACK WOMAN
    was one of the craziest times to run a movie theater and walk into a auditorium filled with Pizza and CHICKEN EXPRESs!
    so as im going into the crowd checking to see who’s eating these items i pulled out 7 people having everything from chicken, pizza, burgers and my favorite TACOS!  and they all had issues with what i was doing and that im the wrong person for doing it and then being called a Racist. but it doesnt stopped their i had to pull out several other people out because they think that its ok for them to have a crying baby, talking on a cell phone and here’s the best part i had to pull out two rows of people because they were arguing about whats the best place to party at during the play of the movie. and each person called me names and then threaten my life. Well didnt stop me but i guess i couldnt complain i did have fun telling them to leave the area with a giant size cop waiting to taze somebody and at the end of the night i caught some kids sneaking in and they were loud so the cop tazed each one of them i think that was the best night i ever had actually.


  60. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    MikeG

    Tie goes to when I saw the second Matrix movie and when I recently saw the new X-Men movie.

    Matrix -  I had a guy answer his phone next to me and explaining the movie to a friend of his as he watched it. All while the people behind me had was sounded like individual Werther’s Originals that they were crinkling paper and sucking on the candy loudly the whole time. I stood up after the film was over, looked right at them and screamed, “Wow! That movie would have been a lot better if it didn’t sound like someone was SUCKING DICK the entire time behind me!”

    X-Men – I had a woman behind me reading the subtitles out loud to someone she was sitting next to, answer her phone, eat food that she brought that had a lot of crinkly paper, open a few soda cans, and making comments like “Oh so THAT’S how he became paralyzed” after Xavier gets shot in the back. I was livid and was openly making fun of her LOUDLY as I walked out of the theater.

    PS – Jenna. I dig this article big time. I actually just interviewed the CEO of the Alamo Drafthouse about the very subject. I would love to have you on the show too. Contact me if you’re interested.


  61. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Al

    My big problem is people who bring BABIES into the theatre. Or very young kids. Someone was allowed to bring a 3 or 4 year old into a showing of Jurassic Park and I’m convinced it traumatized him. I have every respect for parents of very young kids, but you don’t take them to movies, end of story, unless a theatre in your area has a “baby matinee”.


  62. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    Someone brought a baby to my screening of Drag Me to Hell!!!  Can you believe it?  Poor kid!  Great movie, but not for a 1 year old!


  63. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Anonymous

    Someone needs to invent a laser pen that projects phrases, so one can put “Shut the f*ck up!” or “Turn your f*cking phone off!” on the screen whenever one needs to.


  64. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    It’s nice to hear someone call people on it!  I would have loved to have been there when you said that to the candy people!  Priceless!

    I’d love to be on the show!  Message me on Twitter @jennabusch:twitter and we’ll chat. :)


  65. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Chet

    One disagreement — the one-seat-buffer rule applies as long as there are unfilled seats left, but the one-row-buffer rule expires as soon as there are no good-row near-center seats left.


  66. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Desmond Childs

    OH dude I call bs, but thats awesome if you did. I hate it when they ignore you like I’m not just going to get your attention anyway to get you to shutup.


  67. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Desmond Childs

    the guy touched you!? What a brave world we live in


  68. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Supaman

    A) Yeah, right.
    B) He had a good point about Maggie Gyllenhaal.


  69. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jenna Busch

    Oh, I totally agree.  I was talking about near empty theaters.  I went to see a film where there were 5 people in the entire place and someone sat next to me!  Oh, and he was smelly.  ;)


  70. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Duffme

    One: on a minor comment in the article.  “(To be fair, I only do it if someone else does it first.)”  No, you can’t have it both ways.  It’s rude if you are the first or the tenth.

    Two: why are commenters surprised for annoying people on OPENING NIGHT?  I never go to a movie on opening night if I actually want to follow everything.


  71. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    PALADIN

    RE; “I grabbed him from behind and performed a well maneuvered sleeper hold and with in about 45 seconds he was out cold. and me and the rest of the theater enjoyed the rest of the movie in peace. Im sure the theater woke him up afterwards”

    —That is cute & funny…But a load o` crap.
    A so-called ‘sleeper hold’ is a temporary crimping of the carotid arteries and jugular veins as well as a temporary compression the larynx, cutting off the air flow.
    Applied for about ’45 seconds’ and it puts someone ‘out’ for A FEW MINUTES at best.
    Applied for longer, and that hold will KILL.
    So, either you did nothing at all, or you murdered someone for annoying you in a theater.
     
    Put simply, I think you are a liar.


  72. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    JR

    In telling the story after, it’s the best part, but at the time the guy was being the biggest jerk-off that I think it went right over most of our heads.  I’ve had some bad experiences at theaters… don’t even get me started on being bribed to take my tween nieces to see Twilight… but that one is the worst. 


  73. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Jeremy032180

    Wow, great article.  Hats off to you Jenna.  This should be posted in every theater and read aloud before every screening.
     
    After much convincing, I talked my friend into going to see Paranormal Activity 2 on opening night.  Now, in order to get the ‘full effect’ of this movie, I’m convinced you need to be drawn in, completely losing yourself in the film.
     
    Needless to say the 8 young black girls in front of me did not feel the same way.  Anytime there was dialogue, these girls would loudly talk about everything and anything, laughing and yelling the whole time.  They even did the cliché things when they DID pay attention, like yelling loudly ‘GIRL DON’T GO DOWN THE STEPS’ and ‘RUN!’.
     
    Completely ruined the movie for me and my friend, who was embarrassed as one of the girls was his cousin.
     
    It’s not a male/female thing, it’s not a black/white thing, it’s a respect thing.  It’s sad to see there are so many people out there that have no respect for others.
     
    At Hangover 2 the girl in front of us was texting away all movie, it is highly distracting.  Some theaters have a device that automatically turns off cell phones once you walk through the doorway into the theater, I realllllllllly hope this trend continues all over the country/world.


  74. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Seluciamd

    First, thank you for this. Seriously. I am often shocked and appalled by the way people behave in theaters without a smidge of awareness as to how awful they are.

    My story: a couple of weeks ago my brother and I went to a 10:00 p.m. screening of “Super 8″ which I was REALLY excited to see.  Just as the lights are going down on the nearly packed theater, in rolls a young couple with their two kids: one around 3 years old, and the other less than a year old. Yeah. Not one but TWO very small children. Awesome.

    Unsurprisingly, the baby starts getting fussy like 15 minutes into the movie because it is LOUD AS HELL. And, of course, they were all the way in the last row so the mom and dad take turns walking the baby up and down the stairs from the back to the front of the theater which is not distracting at all, right?  The baby goes through several cycles of quiet, whimper, cry, quiet, whimper, cry before finally ending in a massive breakdown where she’s like wailing. Finally, someone says “lady, take the baby out in the lobby. PLEASE.” She retorts with “mind your own business!” Someone else comes out with “it is my business when you are ruining the movie I paid $10 to see!”  The baby quiets down for like 2 minutes until the sound effects ramp up again and it starts crying hysterically.  Mom’s pacing up and down the aisle IN THE FRONT OF THE THEATER – like, thanks for being even more annoying — trying to calm the baby when some old guy (kind of hilariously) says “Lady, this is why you don’t bring a baby to a zombie movie!” (Which made me laugh anyway because in no way is Super 8 a zombie movie… but whatever. The principle stands.)  Mom gets irate and says — completely missing the point — “she’s not even a year old! She can’t understand it anyway!”  As if the reason people were angry was because we were worried that the infant was going to be scarred from the film and not because bringing a baby to that movie at that time was COMPLETELY inappropriate.  I finally went out and asked management to do something and the couple was finally asked to leave. THANK GOODNESS.

    Look, I love kids. A lot. But it is not appropriate to bring small children into an adult film, particularly on a Saturday night at 10 pm. HIRE A BABYSITTER. And if you can’t find or afford one, rent a movie from Netflix or something. It’s just wildly inappropriate. What I don’t understand is why folks at the box office or the ticket takers can’t say anything when they buy their tickets in the first place? It doesn’t seem unreasonable to me for them to say something, particularly since this is a theater that offers daily “mommy & me’ showings of popular movies for families that want to bring their babies to an adult movie. 


  75. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Joe

    I used to love going to the movies, but it’s such a miserable experience now! I went a couple of days ago to a matinee with my wife. We walk in and we’re the first in the theater and take our seats. A few minutes later a group of 5 grown adults walk in (40-50 years old). They sit directly behind us even though every other seat is empty and decide to talk during the whole movie. Good times.


  76. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Emanuellemarie

    Stinky food, yeah but what about stinky feet?  I don’t know why the heck folks think it’s cool to put their smelly disgusting feet all over the headrests in front of them and yeah folks, even if they’re in shoes – they’re smelly – they’re designed to carry your weight and tend to perspire as a result.  I’ve seen folks do it in bare feet but my Worst experience…granola esque vegan/hippie wannabe girl in  open-toed birkenstocks put her feet on the headrest next to mine.  Of course I moved, with a loud comment about how the chair will need to be steam cleaned because of the smell.  It was childish, but I couldn’t help myself.  Where do these people come from?


  77. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Alec

    Okay, so a couple months ago, me and my two friends went to see a matinee showing of Thor. We got there about an hour early, and nobody was there for a while. But we were watching the ads predecessing the trailers. There was this ad with cats driving, and I was laughing at it. I only said one thing, which was “they cant do that” and then some middle aged guy with his attention starved son turns around and literally yells at the top of his voice for all of us to “stop being assholes and shut the fuck up before he does anything”. First, I wasnt even being loud, and second, it hadnt even gotten to the TRAILERS yet….. he was being the asshole


  78. July 6, 2011 2:02 pm

    Josh

    Before he does anything?