In May of 2009 Screen Junkies received an unsolicited review of Hannah Montana: The Movie from famed director and noted statutory rapist Roman Polanski. Due to current events we have decided to run the review in its entirety.
Hannah Montana: The Movie is like an erotic daydream dealing with lust, taboo, and human nature. On the surface the film is a simple morality tale, but its depths surpass understanding. Over the past month I have watched the film more than 30 times, and I have analyzed it shot by shot. But the more clearly I see its physical manifestation, the mor I am stirred by its erotic mystery.
The film opens with our middle-aged hero, Robby Ray Stewart (Billy Ray Cyrus), sitting in a changing room, staring longingly at a blonde female wig. Like Citizen Kane’s “Rosebud,” or the green light at the end of Gatsby’s pier, the object represents the protagonist’s deepest wants and desires. But what exactly is it that our hero desires?
Enter Miley Stewart (Miley Cyrus), a charming brunette nymphet in her early teens. Like most girls her age, Miley is trapped in a sexual purgatory; she has the innocence and wonder of a child coupled with the budding desires and feminine charms of a woman.
Before long, Miley makes her way to the changing room where Robby is impatiently waiting. Perhaps excited by what is about to transpire, he fidgets with his phone and anxiously begins to pace. His nervous energy becomes too much for young Miley to bear, and Robby is asked to wait outside. Disappointed, he complies with the young girl’s request.
With Robby gone, the metamorphosis begins. Using a large makeup kit and the aforementioned wig, the innocent girl we know as Miley transforms into a raw, sexual being known as Hannah Montana. The change is remarkable, and at once we understand Robby’s unrequited desires. The man is deeply torn by the sexual duality of Miley and Hannah. How can the girl be both innocent and seductive; pure, yet prurient? The point is cleverly driven home as Hannah takes the stage to sing her hit song, The Best of Both Worlds (Lyrics: You get the best of both girls).
Corporate greed, the cult of celebrity, urban sprawl, the concept of self: all of these issues and more are thoughtfully debated in the film. Yet all of these issues take a back seat to the topic of sexual desire and American morality as exemplified by the relationship between Robby and Miley. The sexual tension is palpable, and all but boils over when the young girl confesses her love to the older man through song. Yet neither is able to act upon their feelings since doing so would ruin their lives, or at the very least cause a huge inconvenience and limit their mobility to certain countries.
If the film has a flaw it’s that the eroticism, though prevalent throughout, is too subdued. Studio pressure for a “G” rating prevented the director from showing even the slightest bit of Quaalude-induced non-consensual sodomy. However, the subtlety speaks volumes. After all, much like his characters, the film’s director has fallen victim to society’s sexual hypocrisy.