Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Officially Dating and Pale

_{Pattinson always lets secrets slip when he’s trippin’ balls.}

Sharpen your razerblades all you emotionally fragile Twihards out there ’cause Kristen Stewart has officially stolen your man. Robert Pattinson confirmed that him and Twilight co-star Kristen Stewart have been dating for months but been keeping it a secret because they’re frightened of girls cutting them open and parading around in their very own Edward and Bella suits. It was their wish to make their first public appearance as a couple at the BAFTA awards until they realized it’s easier to be assassinated there.

In kind of similar news, the vampire couple is being praised for their pasty white skin. Due to their popularity, experts predict that they could help lower cancer rates among impressionable teens and Jersey Shore fanatics. Kids in the school yard will learn that it’s cool to be transparent, like my old friend Billy Costigan. We’d strip him down and hold him directly in front of the sun so we could watch as his heart pumped blood throughout his entire body. Our recesses were unsupervised. (DailyMail, CinemaBlend)