Reel Rumble: Psyched for ‘Tron Legacy’ or Could Give a Sh*t

Friday, November 19 by

We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment industry and we like to make our beefs public. There’s a lot of hubbub regarding the release of Disney’s Tron Legacy, but when it comes down to it, do you really care or could you give a sh*t? Fight!

Psyched

I don’t even know why we’re having this debate. Tron Legacy is clearly going to be one of the most beloved and highest grossing movies of the holiday season, if not of all time. The original Tron revolutionized filmmaking and special effects back when it was released in 1982, and Tron Legacy will do the same for 2010. I can practically hear James Cameron shuddering in his Malibu mansion. Not even the warmth of his Avatar money gives him comfort in the face of 3D light cycles.

Speaking of light cycles, let’s speak about light cycles. Hello, Tron Legacy has light cycles. LIGHT CYCLES! This debate could end right here, but I’ll continue just to add insult to injury. If a person was asked, “What’s the only thing you’d give up your first born for?” not one would hesitate responding, “Light cycle” as they shove their infant into the questioner’s arms. We all dream of zipping around The Grid on one, leaving a neon trail behind us representing our digital dust that our enemies can eat.

Continuing on, as if your character has not already been assassinated. Olivia Wilde stars in Tron Legacy. You may recognize her from your visions of a perfect woman or cobbled together masturbatory memories when you find yourself without an Internet connection. They could make a 3D movie about her piercing blue eyes and I’d see it a frightening amount of times. Now add a skintight light suit to that equation. Have I got your attention? Your boner says otherwise.

Upside of light suits: they are awesome. Downside of light suits: they don’t hide boners well, which could be a problem if you’re constantly engaging in conversation with Olivia Wilde or rubbing your junk on the seat of a light cycle. Regardless, it’s worth it. Also, imagine never having to expend mental energy deciding what to wear in the morning ever again. You’d just have a closet full of identical light suits. And everyone would be cool with the fact that you wear the same outfit everyday. You’d be the Charlie Brown of the future. Only badasser!

Jeff Bridges reprises his role of Kevin Flynn in Tron Legacy. If you say one negative thing about The Dude I’ll cut you open like a Turducken. He’s got an Oscar now. And not only is he in the film, but he’s in it as older Flynn and younger Flynn. They actually de-aged The Dude. And it looks fantastic! Alright, it’s a little creepy, but still. I’d have to go back and watch The Last Picture Show to see Jeff Bridges that young, and I refuse to do that because it’s in black and white. Now that I’ve seen the Tron Legacy trailer I could never turn my back on color ever again.

I’ll conclude with light discs. Name a coole weapon? You’d have to practice throwing them at first, but once your skillz are solid you’d be the most feared man in town. No one would eff with the light disc guy who leaves on Sycamore in the house with the blue shutters. I just imagine you’d have blue shutters.

Oh, and Bee People. The last trailer for Tron Legacy introduced Bee People.

WTF? Exactly. Don’t pretend like you’re not dying to see the movie now. You just derezed in your light suit pants.

Could Give a Shit

I haven’t seen such an unnecessary sequel since Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call – New Orleans, and in all fairness, that was a sequel in name only. First of all, let’s face facts. The original Tron wasn’t that good. So who in God’s name was clamoring for this film? The way they are marketing it, you’d think they were preparing for the second coming of Christ (or the 12th Imam, if that’s your thing). Honestly, the original is nearly 30 years old. I’m confident that not once between the years of 1982 and 2002 did anyone ever say “Boy, I hope they make a Tron sequel.” If people had wanted a sequel, they would have made it. It’s only now when Hollywood is scraping the absolute bottom of the creative barrel that they dig up Tron.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure that due to the special effects, not to mention the obscene amount of advertising, the film will do well at the box office. But that doesn’t mean we should give a shit. “Oh, the film has cool futuristic bikes! They go super fast! I hope they don’t crash!” Shut the hell up. I didn’t like sitting through 30 minutes of pod-races during Phantom Menace, so why should I care that they’ve changed it to “light cycles” on a black background? Special effects are important, but they are nothing without a good plot. And if the first film is any indication, we’re in for a real shit show.

“Oh, but Olivia Wilde is in it! Her boobies make my pee pee move.” Again, so what? Yeah, she’s hot. But why am I going to spend close to $20 on a shitty movie just because there’s a hot chick in it? There’s this thing called the Internet, and it brings you naked women for free. Go to Google Image Search, turn off the filters, and go to town. I’m looking at Olivia Wilde’s nipples right now, and I didn’t have to spend 40 minutes watching some douche bag snoop around an old arcade. What it boils down to is this: with the abundance of free porn on the Internet, it’s going to take more than Olivia Wilde’s hot ass to get me to a movie theater.

As far as the outfits, times have changed. Back in 1982, calling them gay would have been totally acceptable. But today, homosexuality is much more accepted, as it should be. And to be honest, what gay guy would ever be caught dead wearing that outfit? They’re hideous, not to mention impractical. Can you imagine how ripe it must get under there? If you can’t, why not ask this fat ass. If you email him, I’m sure he’ll let you come over and smell for yourself, provided his mother allows it, and he’s not busy cutting up hookers to assemble his own Yori.

And I will concede that Jeff Bridges is a plus. Far be it from me to badmouth The Dude, although as good as Lebowski was, referencing it jumped the shark years ago. I say that with great sorrow, because my wardrobe consists mainly of Lebwoski tee-shirts. But I digress. The point is, Jeff Bridges doesn’t guarantee anything. He’s great, but he’s been in several awful films: The Vanishing, Seabiscuit, the 1976 King Kong remake! And let’s not forget another little turd called Tron!

Speaking of turds, lets finish up with the weapons of the Tron universe, or as I call them, Frisbees. “Name a cooler weapon?” How about a sharp stick with poop on the end of it? The day I fear a Frisbee is the day I re-watch Love, Actually.

In conclusion, Tron: Legacy is a movie nobody asked for that’s being forced down the throats of a generation whose only contact with the original comes from references on “The Simpsons.” And hell, even those references are probably over a decade old by now. If it’s anything like the original, not even The Dude or Olivia Wilde’s ass can save it. It will make money, but so di Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

Oh, and “bee people.”

Friggin’ lame.

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COMMENTS

  1. November 19, 2010 12:49 pm

    JC

    It’s “couldn’t give a shit” you fucking morons. If you “could give a shit”, it means you DO care. Jesus….


  2. November 19, 2010 12:49 pm

    Vexretyuiop

    This guy is just butt hurt


  3. November 19, 2010 12:49 pm

    Anonymous

    As long as the story is better than The Last Airbender, it’ll be a hit…


  4. November 19, 2010 12:49 pm

    Bryan

    That’s “shuddering”, not “shuttering”. He’s cold, he’s not installling venetian blinds.


  5. November 19, 2010 12:49 pm

    StabbyStab

    Having no author ID makes sense, I wouldnt want people to know that I wrote for this site either. This site fucking sucks, please ban my IP in case I get suckered into your stupid ass digg link again.


  6. November 19, 2010 12:49 pm

    Gmang

    Thank you, thank you so much for also hating the retards who say this. also ‘I could care less’ is the phrase of an idiot. think about the words that come out of your mouths!


  7. November 19, 2010 12:49 pm

    Anon

    “Tron: Legacy is a movie nobody asked for that’s being forced down the throats of a generation” Definitely not the brightest comment in the universe but I will refrain from calling you names and other ugly insults. It’s clearly aimed at the generation that actually watched Tron the first time around and have kids who grew up interested in it because it was in their parents collection. Also aimed at the generation which has the highest amount of money to spend on whatever they want, including their kids who want to see the movie. The original had groundbreaking effects at that time and Legacy looks to continue in its predecessor’s footsteps. The shear awe of the special effects is bound to attract a horde of new, creative intelligent fans to add to the huge, original fan base. Nuff said; done here. : )


  8. November 19, 2010 12:49 pm

    Chris

    Thank you! Things like this aren’t just a little grammar quibble. This is not understanding the basic mechanics of written language. Not impressive.


  9. November 19, 2010 12:49 pm

    Barry Schuler

    Seriously.. you live on Earth? Love Actually is widely regarded as a very good movie and is often rewatched. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call – New Orleans got good reviews as well. As for Tron Legacy not being asked for, WTF? A whole generation of computer programmers, artists, etc.. found their respective computer related fields through the original movie. These people, so impacted by the original movie, have been begging for a new Tron movie to take their own kids to. Obviously, your a writer and not a computer person.


  10. November 19, 2010 12:49 pm

    Dsaf

    You forgot the most important part: DAFT EFFIN PUNK is writing the entire soundtrack….that moots any and all points you made.


  11. November 19, 2010 12:49 pm

    Bobbx542

    I think that both reviewers went a little overboard, but that’s what we get when we live in a world of extreme hyperbole. Anyway, I agree with points from both reviewers, but I deffinitely fall into the “psyched” category. I do have to disagree with the “could give a shit” point of view though. To claim that no one asked for this sequel is flat out wrong. True, it shouldn’t have taken as long as it has to actually make it, but just because you didn’t want the sequel doesn’t mean no body did. As for the “psyched” point of view, seriously dude, the internet is full of hot women.


  12. November 19, 2010 12:49 pm

    sean

    I actually have been hoping for a Tron sequel. I am looking forward to playing Tron Evolution on XBOX 360 as well. And speaking of videogames, anybody who wants to win a copy of Tron Evolution should complete my survey.

    http://www.console-research.com

    It is a survey about videogames, naturally. It is for one of my MBA classes. You have a chance to win a game, and that could be Tron Evolution or whatever game you’d like.


  13. November 19, 2010 12:49 pm

    joh

    This piece of crap got only made for fat f*cking fanboys based after a borring and awful movie.