We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment industry and we like to make our beefs public. There’s a lot of hubbub regarding the release of Disney’s Tron Legacy, but when it comes down to it, do you really care or could you give a sh*t? Fight!
I don’t even know why we’re having this debate. Tron Legacy is clearly going to be one of the most beloved and highest grossing movies of the holiday season, if not of all time. The original Tron revolutionized filmmaking and special effects back when it was released in 1982, and Tron Legacy will do the same for 2010. I can practically hear James Cameron shuddering in his Malibu mansion. Not even the warmth of his Avatar money gives him comfort in the face of 3D light cycles.
Speaking of light cycles, let’s speak about light cycles. Hello, Tron Legacy has light cycles. LIGHT CYCLES! This debate could end right here, but I’ll continue just to add insult to injury. If a person was asked, “What’s the only thing you’d give up your first born for?” not one would hesitate responding, “Light cycle” as they shove their infant into the questioner’s arms. We all dream of zipping around The Grid on one, leaving a neon trail behind us representing our digital dust that our enemies can eat.
Continuing on, as if your character has not already been assassinated. Olivia Wilde stars in Tron Legacy. You may recognize her from your visions of a perfect woman or cobbled together masturbatory memories when you find yourself without an Internet connection. They could make a 3D movie about her piercing blue eyes and I’d see it a frightening amount of times. Now add a skintight light suit to that equation. Have I got your attention? Your boner says otherwise.
Upside of light suits: they are awesome. Downside of light suits: they don’t hide boners well, which could be a problem if you’re constantly engaging in conversation with Olivia Wilde or rubbing your junk on the seat of a light cycle. Regardless, it’s worth it. Also, imagine never having to expend mental energy deciding what to wear in the morning ever again. You’d just have a closet full of identical light suits. And everyone would be cool with the fact that you wear the same outfit everyday. You’d be the Charlie Brown of the future. Only badasser!
Jeff Bridges reprises his role of Kevin Flynn in Tron Legacy. If you say one negative thing about The Dude I’ll cut you open like a Turducken. He’s got an Oscar now. And not only is he in the film, but he’s in it as older Flynn and younger Flynn. They actually de-aged The Dude. And it looks fantastic! Alright, it’s a little creepy, but still. I’d have to go back and watch The Last Picture Show to see Jeff Bridges that young, and I refuse to do that because it’s in black and white. Now that I’ve seen the Tron Legacy trailer I could never turn my back on color ever again.
I’ll conclude with light discs. Name a coole weapon? You’d have to practice throwing them at first, but once your skillz are solid you’d be the most feared man in town. No one would eff with the light disc guy who leaves on Sycamore in the house with the blue shutters. I just imagine you’d have blue shutters.
Oh, and Bee People. The last trailer for Tron Legacy introduced Bee People.
WTF? Exactly. Don’t pretend like you’re not dying to see the movie now. You just derezed in your light suit pants.
Could Give a Shit
I haven’t seen such an unnecessary sequel since Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call – New Orleans, and in all fairness, that was a sequel in name only. First of all, let’s face facts. The original Tron wasn’t that good. So who in God’s name was clamoring for this film? The way they are marketing it, you’d think they were preparing for the second coming of Christ (or the 12th Imam, if that’s your thing). Honestly, the original is nearly 30 years old. I’m confident that not once between the years of 1982 and 2002 did anyone ever say “Boy, I hope they make a Tron sequel.” If people had wanted a sequel, they would have made it. It’s only now when Hollywood is scraping the absolute bottom of the creative barrel that they dig up Tron.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure that due to the special effects, not to mention the obscene amount of advertising, the film will do well at the box office. But that doesn’t mean we should give a shit. “Oh, the film has cool futuristic bikes! They go super fast! I hope they don’t crash!” Shut the hell up. I didn’t like sitting through 30 minutes of pod-races during Phantom Menace, so why should I care that they’ve changed it to “light cycles” on a black background? Special effects are important, but they are nothing without a good plot. And if the first film is any indication, we’re in for a real shit show.
“Oh, but Olivia Wilde is in it! Her boobies make my pee pee move.” Again, so what? Yeah, she’s hot. But why am I going to spend close to $20 on a shitty movie just because there’s a hot chick in it? There’s this thing called the Internet, and it brings you naked women for free. Go to Google Image Search, turn off the filters, and go to town. I’m looking at Olivia Wilde’s nipples right now, and I didn’t have to spend 40 minutes watching some douche bag snoop around an old arcade. What it boils down to is this: with the abundance of free porn on the Internet, it’s going to take more than Olivia Wilde’s hot ass to get me to a movie theater.
As far as the outfits, times have changed. Back in 1982, calling them gay would have been totally acceptable. But today, homosexuality is much more accepted, as it should be. And to be honest, what gay guy would ever be caught dead wearing that outfit? They’re hideous, not to mention impractical. Can you imagine how ripe it must get under there? If you can’t, why not ask this fat ass. If you email him, I’m sure he’ll let you come over and smell for yourself, provided his mother allows it, and he’s not busy cutting up hookers to assemble his own Yori.
And I will concede that Jeff Bridges is a plus. Far be it from me to badmouth The Dude, although as good as Lebowski was, referencing it jumped the shark years ago. I say that with great sorrow, because my wardrobe consists mainly of Lebwoski tee-shirts. But I digress. The point is, Jeff Bridges doesn’t guarantee anything. He’s great, but he’s been in several awful films: The Vanishing, Seabiscuit, the 1976 King Kong remake! And let’s not forget another little turd called Tron!
Speaking of turds, lets finish up with the weapons of the Tron universe, or as I call them, Frisbees. “Name a cooler weapon?” How about a sharp stick with poop on the end of it? The day I fear a Frisbee is the day I re-watch Love, Actually.
In conclusion, Tron: Legacy is a movie nobody asked for that’s being forced down the throats of a generation whose only contact with the original comes from references on “The Simpsons.” And hell, even those references are probably over a decade old by now. If it’s anything like the original, not even The Dude or Olivia Wilde’s ass can save it. It will make money, but so di Paul Blart: Mall Cop.
Oh, and “bee people.”