Reel Rumble: Is Tom Hanks a Nice Guy or a Total Dick?

Friday, November 12 by

We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment industry and we like to make our beefs public. Tom Hanks has the persona of being Hollywood’s golden child, but is he really a nice guy or is he in fact a total dick? Fight!

Nice Guy

There’s no denying that actor/director/writer/producer/saint Tom Hanks is a national treasure. He’s not only considered by many to be the nicest guy in Hollywood, but quite possibly the nicest guy in the world. Hanks came from humble beginnings in Concord, CA. When he was only four years old, his parents divorced. Hanks went to live with his father, who often left him to fend for himself. This built character and an uncanny knack for opening canned goods. Hanks was a self-proclaimed geek and spaz in high school, which means he probably survived his fair share of swirlies, wedgies, Indian burns, and cruel verbal abuse targeted at his sexuality and penis size – classic bully tactic.

He held strong though and went on to win two Academy Awards for Best Actor, one for his role as Andy, the AIDS stricken lawyer in Philadelphia, and the other for the titular character in Forrest Gump. Hanks neither has AIDS nor is he retarded, a true testament to his ability to portray sick brilliant gay people or sick brilliant by accident mentally handicapped people. Let’s also not forget about the Golden Apple Award he received from the Hollywood Women’s Press Club or the Man of the Year Award from the Hasty Pudding Theatricals. Not many people can say they have an Apple and a Pudding sitting on their desk at home.

Hanks is also a huge supporter of NASA’s manned space program, and not because he’s obsessed with aliens like some whacked-out conspiracy theorist. He said he originally wanted to be an astronaut but he “didn’t have the math.” Let’s all give a collective, “Awwwwww, that’s so saaaaaaaaad!” The Space Foundation awarded Hanks the Douglas S. Morrow Public Outreach Award, given annually to an individual that has made significant contributions to public awareness of space programs. Without Hanks’s support who knows how many space programs would be out on the street performing sexual favors for one more hit of that sweet, sweet moon rock.

He’s got the back of all American soldiers as well. He’s served as the national spokesperson for the World War II Memorial Campaign, been the honorary chairperson of the D-Day Museum Capital Campaign, and produced the Emmy Award-winning HBO mini-series “Band on Brothers.” The only reason you know World War II even took place is because Tom Hanks brought it to the world’s attention. In addition to all of his philanthropic and Conan O’Brien supportive efforts, I hear he also makes a mean guacamole. Basically, Hanks shits benevolence.

Total Dick

Tom Hanks is a bastard. We’ve all heard the “nicest guy in Hollywood” nonsense, but stop and think about what that means. It’s not a compliment. Hollywood is notorious for being filled with complete and utter assholes. Spencer Pratt, Kanye West, Jay Leno: these are the people Hanks has to contend with. Just as the Special Olympics give out a medal to all those who participate, anyone in Hollywood who can abstain from abusing their assistants or committing statutory rape is given the “nice” title.

In his early career, Hanks was confined to lowbrow comedies such as “Bosom Buddies,” a sitcom that promoted a radical transvestite agenda to our nation’s youth, and Splash, a film that seems to encourage sex with mythical aquatic animals. But he soon managed to make the leap to dramatic roles, primarily by exploiting homosexuals and the mentally handicapped. I still remember watching Forrest Gump. What galls me the most about that film is the false hope it gave to people with disabilities. My youngest nephew is mentally disabled, but after watching that movie, he keeps insisting that some day he’s going to go to college and play football. I keep telling him that they don’t let people with dyslexia go to school, play sports, or leave the basement. But after Forrest Gump, he won’t listen.

After winning his Oscars, Hanks used his clout to launch his rabid anti-Catholic agenda with an adaptation of Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code. I’m surprised he hasn’t gone on to adapt The Protocols of the Elders of Zion into a feature film. But mocking Catholicism isn’t Hanks’ only pet project. He also has WWII and the space program. His work on Saving Private Ryan and “Band of Brothers” helped whip the country into a jingoistic frenzy in the years leading up to 9-11. I won’t go as far as to say Hanks was in on the NWO conspiracy, but clearly he was a willing pawn. He also used the popularity of these films to channel interest into the now completed World War II Memorial in Washington, D.C. I have it on good authority from a guy I met in a KFC parking lot that Hanks owns stock in the granite company that supplied the pillars for the monument, and he made over $200 billion on the deal. Hanks was motivated by profits, not patriotism.

Which brings us to his support for the space program. Let me ask you a question; how often do you see minorities in Tom Hanks’ movies? You don’t. In Apollo 13, it was an all-white crew on the spacecraft. In Saving Private Ryan, we see the same thing: all-white armie fighting all-white armies. I thought it was a “world war,” not a “white war.” And despite the fact that Castaway takes place in the South Pacific, the island’s population is 100% Caucasian. Yes, I remember Bubba from Forrest Gump. He was shot early on in the film, and Forrest made millions by exploiting his name. Do you see where this is leading? Tom Hanks is generating interest in the space program so he can send all minorities to live on the moon. The clues are there if you’ll simply open your eyes!

We won’t even get into the fact that Tom Hanks is responsible for Colin Hanks. That’s a dick move that deserves its own article. But even without that damning piece of evidence, I have demonstrated beyond a reasonable doubt that Tom Hanks is a total dick. You’re welcome.

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  1. November 12, 2010 11:41 am



  2. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    No, he’s married, silly.

  3. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    Yeah, okay. Better luck next time.

  4. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    I hope u dont consider urself a journalist. Keep ur day job, douche!

  5. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    What an idiotic article. First of all, your “asshole” list. Spencer Pratt is not a Hollywood person. Neither is Kanye West. Nor Jay Leno, who, by the way, is referred to people who actually KNOW him as extremely nice. Just because people are butt hurt that Conan failed miserably at 11:30 (and is doing so again at 11:00 think of Jay as an asshole does not mean that is his reputation.

  6. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    Yeah this is a poorly written editorial. It kinda sounds like your a conspiracy nut at the end. I certainly don’t like Tom Hanks but even I can’t agree with this garbage.

  7. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    I feel like this article flew over a lot of people’s heads.

  8. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    Just by reading the comments I’m going to go with your gay.

  9. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    conan failed because of the demographic he appeals to. people my age prefer his humour, but im not gonna make sure im at home in front of my tv to watch him… i have the internet.

    i think the average demo for leno is 54, and letterman 52. im pretty sure conan’s average demo is in the 20s. conan fails because his humour is wasted on something intended for old people who think shit that jay leno says is funny

  10. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    This is probably one of the worst articles I’ve EVER read.. Holy Shit.

  11. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    You guys are idiots. Do you really think he meant for you to take this seriously? Our future is fucked.

  12. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    Some basic notes (because the author seems to be so blissfully ignorant)…

    1. Believe it or not, the movie Apollo 13 is based on a real-life mission. The Apollo 13 flight crew was composed of 3 Caucasians.

    2. During WWII, the US military was segregated. One would have not seen African-Americans or Asian-Americans fighting alongside White Americans.

    3. It would not have been Tom Hanks’ call to cast minorities, even if he had wanted to.

    4. While the two movies based on Dan Brown’s novels may not be particularly favorable to the Catholic Church, they don’t reflect on an anti-Catholic agenda. Appearing in those movies doesn’t make Tom Hanks an anti-Catholic spokesperson.

    5. You, the author, don’t know how to write.

  13. November 12, 2010 11:41 am

    Joe Somebody

    Funny article! I’m with Aye on this one. I’m sure it is going to fly over a lot of heads. Vapid, idiotic heads.

  14. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    For those of you venting about how stupid this article is, the following may tip you in on the fact that the author isn’t an idiotic douchebag:

    “I have it on good authority from a guy I met in a KFC parking lot that Hanks owns stock in the granite company that supplied the pillars for the monument, and he made over $200 billion on the deal. Hanks was motivated by profits, not patriotism.”

    Then again, maybe he intended for only the sharp minded to understand.

  15. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    Wow — look how many douchebags have an impaired sense of humor. This was hilarious. Well done.

    You can write. Well. Just not for idiots.

  16. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    Comedy without cleverness is like italian food without garlic.

  17. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    Holy shit, is everybody commenting here retarded?

  18. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    who gives a shit

  19. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    oh, dear. Not fun or funny, just the kind of satire a freshman might write for the school paper. sorry

  20. November 12, 2010 11:41 am

    Not in need of an education

    6. Grant does not understand sarcasm or satire….

  21. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    its a joke dumb butts and this is mad funny hes praising tom hanks but also exaggerating some facts about his movies to make him seem like a dick sheesh idiots…

  22. November 12, 2010 11:41 am

    Conejo Malvado

    Why are you lumping Jay Leno in with Spencer Pratt & Kanye West as “utter assholes”? Jay Leno IS the nicest guy in Hollywood.

  23. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    If the bit about the KFC parking lot didn’t tip people off, they’re morons. Who gave those clownshoes access to computers?

  24. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    this may be the dumbest article ever, gratz

  25. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    Just because there’s all-white casts in some of Tom Hanks’ movies it is because he’s racist? That’s a racist judgment in itself

  26. November 12, 2010 11:41 am

    watch tv shows online

    That article wasn’t funny, and I’ve never met Tom Hanks, but I have no problem believing he’s one of the nicest people in Hollywood. I mean, come on – he’s TOM HANKS for Christsakes.

  27. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    LOL, I think the Jury has reached a verdict, total dick lol

  28. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    fire the person who cobbled this together

  29. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    …author makes a handful of users to defend themselves

  30. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    at a wasted attempt at humor

  31. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    Terrible article.

  32. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    I got a buddy with dyslexia that i go to school with… for the record hes in electrical engineering technology..but you keep on telling that cousin of yours hes never going to achieve anything you dick.

  33. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    Waste of Kilobites! Article was written by a freelancer located in Peru!

  34. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    Bring back the KGB so idiots like that are sent to Siberia!

  35. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    Wow, you’re as dumb as a brick.

  36. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    lol is this for real or some kind of joke? who ever wrote this article is a fucking nutjob

  37. November 12, 2010 11:41 am


    “And despite the fact that Castaway takes place in the South Pacific, the island’s population is 100% Caucasian.”
    Phenomenal, phenomenal stuff sir!

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