We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment industry and we like to make our beefs public. Tom Hanks has the persona of being Hollywood’s golden child, but is he really a nice guy or is he in fact a total dick? Fight!
There’s no denying that actor/director/writer/producer/saint Tom Hanks is a national treasure. He’s not only considered by many to be the nicest guy in Hollywood, but quite possibly the nicest guy in the world. Hanks came from humble beginnings in Concord, CA. When he was only four years old, his parents divorced. Hanks went to live with his father, who often left him to fend for himself. This built character and an uncanny knack for opening canned goods. Hanks was a self-proclaimed geek and spaz in high school, which means he probably survived his fair share of swirlies, wedgies, Indian burns, and cruel verbal abuse targeted at his sexuality and penis size – classic bully tactic.
He held strong though and went on to win two Academy Awards for Best Actor, one for his role as Andy, the AIDS stricken lawyer in Philadelphia, and the other for the titular character in Forrest Gump. Hanks neither has AIDS nor is he retarded, a true testament to his ability to portray sick brilliant gay people or sick brilliant by accident mentally handicapped people. Let’s also not forget about the Golden Apple Award he received from the Hollywood Women’s Press Club or the Man of the Year Award from the Hasty Pudding Theatricals. Not many people can say they have an Apple and a Pudding sitting on their desk at home.
Hanks is also a huge supporter of NASA’s manned space program, and not because he’s obsessed with aliens like some whacked-out conspiracy theorist. He said he originally wanted to be an astronaut but he “didn’t have the math.” Let’s all give a collective, “Awwwwww, that’s so saaaaaaaaad!” The Space Foundation awarded Hanks the Douglas S. Morrow Public Outreach Award, given annually to an individual that has made significant contributions to public awareness of space programs. Without Hanks’s support who knows how many space programs would be out on the street performing sexual favors for one more hit of that sweet, sweet moon rock.
He’s got the back of all American soldiers as well. He’s served as the national spokesperson for the World War II Memorial Campaign, been the honorary chairperson of the D-Day Museum Capital Campaign, and produced the Emmy Award-winning HBO mini-series “Band on Brothers.” The only reason you know World War II even took place is because Tom Hanks brought it to the world’s attention. In addition to all of his philanthropic and Conan O’Brien supportive efforts, I hear he also makes a mean guacamole. Basically, Hanks shits benevolence.
Tom Hanks is a bastard. We’ve all heard the “nicest guy in Hollywood” nonsense, but stop and think about what that means. It’s not a compliment. Hollywood is notorious for being filled with complete and utter assholes. Spencer Pratt, Kanye West, Jay Leno: these are the people Hanks has to contend with. Just as the Special Olympics give out a medal to all those who participate, anyone in Hollywood who can abstain from abusing their assistants or committing statutory rape is given the “nice” title.
In his early career, Hanks was confined to lowbrow comedies such as “Bosom Buddies,” a sitcom that promoted a radical transvestite agenda to our nation’s youth, and Splash, a film that seems to encourage sex with mythical aquatic animals. But he soon managed to make the leap to dramatic roles, primarily by exploiting homosexuals and the mentally handicapped. I still remember watching Forrest Gump. What galls me the most about that film is the false hope it gave to people with disabilities. My youngest nephew is mentally disabled, but after watching that movie, he keeps insisting that some day he’s going to go to college and play football. I keep telling him that they don’t let people with dyslexia go to school, play sports, or leave the basement. But after Forrest Gump, he won’t listen.
After winning his Oscars, Hanks used his clout to launch his rabid anti-Catholic agenda with an adaptation of Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code. I’m surprised he hasn’t gone on to adapt The Protocols of the Elders of Zion into a feature film. But mocking Catholicism isn’t Hanks’ only pet project. He also has WWII and the space program. His work on Saving Private Ryan and “Band of Brothers” helped whip the country into a jingoistic frenzy in the years leading up to 9-11. I won’t go as far as to say Hanks was in on the NWO conspiracy, but clearly he was a willing pawn. He also used the popularity of these films to channel interest into the now completed World War II Memorial in Washington, D.C. I have it on good authority from a guy I met in a KFC parking lot that Hanks owns stock in the granite company that supplied the pillars for the monument, and he made over $200 billion on the deal. Hanks was motivated by profits, not patriotism.
Which brings us to his support for the space program. Let me ask you a question; how often do you see minorities in Tom Hanks’ movies? You don’t. In Apollo 13, it was an all-white crew on the spacecraft. In Saving Private Ryan, we see the same thing: all-white armie fighting all-white armies. I thought it was a “world war,” not a “white war.” And despite the fact that Castaway takes place in the South Pacific, the island’s population is 100% Caucasian. Yes, I remember Bubba from Forrest Gump. He was shot early on in the film, and Forrest made millions by exploiting his name. Do you see where this is leading? Tom Hanks is generating interest in the space program so he can send all minorities to live on the moon. The clues are there if you’ll simply open your eyes!
We won’t even get into the fact that Tom Hanks is responsible for Colin Hanks. That’s a dick move that deserves its own article. But even without that damning piece of evidence, I have demonstrated beyond a reasonable doubt that Tom Hanks is a total dick. You’re welcome.