We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment industry and we like to make our beefs public. David Keith and Keith David are both terrific actors, but two men sharing the same name (only reversed) can't be equals. Fight!

David Keith

I know your knee-jerk reaction is to immediately pronounce Keith David the bigger badass, but take the time to hear me out about the man with Keith as a surname. Keith, as in David Keith, is best known for his role as Sid Worley in An Officer and a Gentleman. He held his own against Richard Gere, who was all the rage back then, and received a Golden Globe nomination for his performance. That’s one Golden Globe nomination for David Keith. Zero Golden Globe nominations for Keith David.

David, as in David Keith, also worked alongside a young Drew Barrymore in Stephen King’s Firestarter. That’s a lot of Barrymore and fire to endure for one film shoot. I also have it on good authority that Firestarter was actually based on Barrymore’s own abilities to engulf things in flames when she’s “in a mood.” Imagine putting up with that day in and day out. The man deserves a medal pinned on his breast by Keith David’s weathered, shaky hands.

Elvis Presley was a legend that Keith, as in David Keith, wasn’t afraid to tackle in Heartbreak Hotel. He didn’t do some kitschy overweight Vegas impersonator take either. He embodied the role and made it his own. The King himself would be proud, and would make Keith David pin a medal on David Keith’s breast for portraying one of the coolest rockers to ever grace this earth.

Keith continued donning the uniforms of military men in Invasion of Privacy, U-571, Men of Honor, and Behind Enemy Lines. That’s a Sergeant, a Major, a Captain, and a Master Chief. He even played the Vice President in In Her Line of Fire. There’s no denying that a commanding presence is necessary to fulfill the gravitas of these roles. David Keith would order you to drop down and give him twenty and you’d listen because he deserves respect. And you’re a little bitch.

Finally, in real life David Keith hunts down child molesters like a villager with a pitchfork and a taste for Frankenstein blood. Keith was a National Advisory Board member and spokesperson for PROTECT: The National Association to Protect Children. He was even present during the sentencing phase for John Couey, who was convicted of kidnapping, raping, and murdering Jessica Lunsford. So basically, if you’re anti David Keith you’re pro child molester. Good luck eradicating that stigma, pervert.

Keith David

If it’s a knee-jerk reaction to immediately pronounce Keith David the bigger badass, then slap my ass and call me a knee-jerker, Suzy Q. Keith David is far superior to David Keith in every way imaginable. But truth be told, Keith David is far superior to most people. I didn’t come here to belittle David Keith, and I don’t have to. He’s a fine man, and I need not tear him down to lift Keith David up.

First off, Keith David doesn’t need a stinking Golden Globe nomination. Is that the best you can do? If you don’t win, it doesn’t matter. You might as well list off Oscars, Emmys and the Nobel Prize as long as you’re naming awards that your guy didn’t win. Hey, did you hear I was nominated for the Megamillions jackpot last week. I didn’t win, but it was still an honor.

Second, look at all the awesome shit Keith David has done. For starters, he’s the guy hosting the ass-to-ass party in Requiem for a Dream. I could stop right there, and I’d still win this argument. Second, the man was in Road House! Do you understand how awesome that is? Your guy did some military movies? Well guess what? Keith David was in Platoon! He was in The Thing! He was in i! This list goes on and on.

And if Keith David didn’t have one film to his name, he’d still be an impressive son of a bitch. He does a ton of voice-over work, including several Ken Burns documentaries and high-profile video games (Modern Warfare 2). Nominations don’t mean sh*t, but you seem to like them, so I’’ll mention that he was nominated for a Tony for his theater work. And if you’ve got a diaper handy, put it on, because what I’m about to tell you will make you shit your pants. Keith David was a reoccurring character on “Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.” Do you comprehend what I just said? Fred Rogers was f*cking awesome, and anyone who worked with him is awesome by default.

Now, onto your point about child molestation. I have no way on knowing for sure, but I imagine that Keith David is firmly against it. And I commend David Keith for his work to put child molesters behind bars. However, your comments about me being pro-child molester were wildly out of context. While it’s true I have donated to NMBLA in the past, I have since severed all ties to the organization. And my past transgressions don’t change the fact that Keith David is far superior to David Keith. Even an adorable 5-year old could tell you that.