In Honor of Carrie Fisher’s Weight Loss: Proof That God Loves Actors and Hates Actresses

Wednesday, August 24 by
What have we here? 

Earlier this year, Carrie Fisher inspired me to write a horribly sexist post about actresses who have aged less than gracefully. Judging by her recent weight loss, I’m guessing my article inspired her to go on a diet. What else would explain her total transformation (she lost 50 lbs. on Jenny Craig)? At any rate, I’m happy my poorly written drivel was able to help. And in case you missed it the first time around, here’s the article that started it all. Congrats to Carrie Fisher…

I hate making fun of people based on their appearances. Considering I look a lot like Steve Buscemi crossed with Nosferatu, who am I to sit and criticize others for the way they look? But unfortunately, people lap this shit up like Brett Ratner laps up Boone’s Farm strawberry wine, and I’m a hack, so here we are.

At any rate, god hates actresses and loves actors. The proof is all around us, if we know where to look. I looked in the tabloids, and found all the proof I needed. Here are seven examples of famous on-screen couples. In almost every case, the actor involved looks older, but more distinguished, while time has ravaged the once ridiculously hot leading lady. I know it’s not fair, but I didn’t make the rules. You got a problem, talk to the big man upstairs. Until then, take a look and see for yourself.

Tom Cruise and Kelly Mcgillis – Top Gun
In all fairness to Kelly, she was older than Tom when they filmed Top Gun. Also, she’s now openly gay, so she doesn’t have a lot of incentive to conform to my jaded standards of feminine beauty. But Cruise still looks like he could be her son (provided she had him when she was 13). Maybe there’s something to this whole Scientology thing after all. Oh wait, there is: money!

Warren Beatty and MadonnaDick Tracy
It’s been over 20 years since Dick Tracy revolutionized the way people are disappointed by comic adaptations. How has time treated the stars of the film? Warren Beatty still looks like Warren Beatty. Madonna looks like Skeletor with Chlamydia. Keep working that sexy angle, Madge.

Ted Danson and Kristie Alley – “Cheers
Ted Danson looks older, but he carries it well. Hell, I’d still bang him…if I was gay…or if the price was right. But Kristie, on the other hand, isn’t looking so hot. If your attempt at a reality-show has the word “fat” in the title, it’s time to hit the gym.

Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan – Innerspace
Here’s an old pic of Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan looking less than thrilled. But here’s a more recent picture of the couple looking happier than ever. Is it just me, or does Meg look great. Oh wait, that’s not Meg at all. She cheated on him with Russell Crowe, so Quaid dumped her for someone half her age.

Here’s a recent picture of Meg looking sexy. Still got it.

Rob Reiner and Sally Struthers – “All in the Family”
This is a tough one. Rob and Sally both got fat. But Sally got fat while devoting her time to charity, and Rob got fat while making crappy films and passing laws that make it illegal for me to smoke in a bar. Up yours, Rob. Sally wins!

Jessica Simpson and Johnny KnoxvilleThe Dukes of Hazzard
In most cases, time’s assault is gradual, and a woman’s beauty slips away over decades. But sometimes, if a woman eats enough McGriddles, it happens almost overnight. That’s what happened to Jessica Simpson. As for Johnny Knoxville, he still looks like the same jackass.

Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher – Star Wars
This list idea was born when I watched Carrie Fisher’s HBO special, “Wishful Drinking.” As Fisher herself points out, it’s not really fair that the image of her younger self wearing a golden bikini is tattooed into the minds of most men under the age of 40. It’s also not fair that Harrison Ford looks relatively the same, except the creepy scarf and earring make him look like a gay-80′s pop singer. But tough titty. That’s life. If Fisher was a normal woman on the street, I wouldn’t think anything of it. But she’s not. She’s Princess Leia, or at least she was. To quote Holy Taco, now she looks like “Salvador Dali’s take on Sally Jesse Raphael.

This article was originally posted on January 4th, 2011. It was modified on August 24th, 2011.

COMMENTS

  1. August 24, 2011 1:34 pm

    Youwantpaul

    OH my god Carrie Fisher has become the monter she killed…..Jabba


  2. August 24, 2011 1:34 pm

    GodHatesCheatingHusbands

    What a really dumb articles. You obviously carefully handpicked your photos. Want proof for your failure? Dennis Quaid looking happy? He’s cheating on the woman in that photo! Yeah, such a happy family man. NOT.

    Sexist much?


  3. August 24, 2011 1:34 pm

    Anonymous

    Yep. Bitter much?


  4. August 24, 2011 1:34 pm

    jim

    Er, NONE of us look as good as we did 20 years ago


  5. August 24, 2011 1:34 pm

    TinyDickman

    Funny fun, but in all fairness, ROMANCING THE STONE….yeah….


  6. August 24, 2011 1:34 pm

    TinyDickman

    Yeah, fuck off beyotch, nobody likes you, DON’T FUCK WITH THE GUMB MOTHERFUCKER!!

    What a really dumb post(S?)


  7. August 24, 2011 1:34 pm

    Kenny_emerson

    Epic Sauce.


  8. August 24, 2011 1:34 pm

    Mike

    You must have been cheated on – bitter slug.


  9. August 24, 2011 1:34 pm

    Anonymous

    Carrie Fisher just has bad genes. Her mom is French and her dad is Grimace.


  10. August 24, 2011 1:34 pm

    Noneyet

    Welcome to life, moron. “Rob got fat while making crappy films and passing laws that make it illegal for me to smoke in a bar.” Tell you what, why don’t you go fire up a whole pack of filterless Camels right now, because as everyone knows, NOTHING preserves a healthy, youthful glow like tobacco.

    Seriously. You’re a jackass.


  11. August 24, 2011 1:34 pm

    Fullbag

    Princess Bride and This is Spinal Tap. Most directors that ever worked in Hollywood would be proud to have just one of those two films in their credits.

    Gumb, you are an idiot.


  12. August 24, 2011 1:34 pm

    Bober115

    Dude, great article Gumb. New reader here, and screen junkies is bookmarked. Read it every morning with my coffee. I will agree with Mike below, sounds like GodHatesCheatingHusbands was cheated on, wonder why?! haha bitter religious nutcase


  13. August 24, 2011 1:34 pm

    Guest

    THis is so stupid. God loves actors and hates actresses?? First of all there all categorized as ACTORS according to hollywood and the unions. And he picked out a handful of actors out of all of hollywood. Someone had nothing better to do.


  14. August 24, 2011 1:34 pm

    EAF

    The photos prove one immutable fact…good looks fade but lack of talent lasts forever.


  15. August 24, 2011 1:34 pm

    Anonymous

    Obviously you haven’t seen Mickey Rourke lately. Yet, Marisa Tomei a recent co-star, is still one of the sexiest women in Hollywood. . The pendulum swings both ways. Crappy, gratuitous article.


  16. August 24, 2011 1:34 pm

    Anonymous

    ha, thanks