Earlier this year, Carrie Fisher inspired me to write a horribly sexist post about actresses who have aged less than gracefully. Judging by her recent weight loss, I’m guessing my article inspired her to go on a diet. What else would explain her total transformation (she lost 50 lbs. on Jenny Craig)? At any rate, I’m happy my poorly written drivel was able to help. And in case you missed it the first time around, here’s the article that started it all. Congrats to Carrie Fisher…
I hate making fun of people based on their appearances. Considering I look a lot like Steve Buscemi crossed with Nosferatu, who am I to sit and criticize others for the way they look? But unfortunately, people lap this shit up like Brett Ratner laps up Boone’s Farm strawberry wine, and I’m a hack, so here we are.
At any rate, god hates actresses and loves actors. The proof is all around us, if we know where to look. I looked in the tabloids, and found all the proof I needed. Here are seven examples of famous on-screen couples. In almost every case, the actor involved looks older, but more distinguished, while time has ravaged the once ridiculously hot leading lady. I know it’s not fair, but I didn’t make the rules. You got a problem, talk to the big man upstairs. Until then, take a look and see for yourself.
Tom Cruise and Kelly Mcgillis – Top Gun
In all fairness to Kelly, she was older than Tom when they filmed Top Gun. Also, she’s now openly gay, so she doesn’t have a lot of incentive to conform to my jaded standards of feminine beauty. But Cruise still looks like he could be her son (provided she had him when she was 13). Maybe there’s something to this whole Scientology thing after all. Oh wait, there is: money!
Warren Beatty and Madonna – Dick Tracy
It’s been over 20 years since Dick Tracy revolutionized the way people are disappointed by comic adaptations. How has time treated the stars of the film? Warren Beatty still looks like Warren Beatty. Madonna looks like Skeletor with Chlamydia. Keep working that sexy angle, Madge.
Ted Danson and Kristie Alley – “Cheers“
Ted Danson looks older, but he carries it well. Hell, I’d still bang him…if I was gay…or if the price was right. But Kristie, on the other hand, isn’t looking so hot. If your attempt at a reality-show has the word “fat” in the title, it’s time to hit the gym.
Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan – Innerspace
Here’s an old pic of Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan looking less than thrilled. But here’s a more recent picture of the couple looking happier than ever. Is it just me, or does Meg look great. Oh wait, that’s not Meg at all. She cheated on him with Russell Crowe, so Quaid dumped her for someone half her age.
Here’s a recent picture of Meg looking sexy. Still got it.
Rob Reiner and Sally Struthers – “All in the Family”
This is a tough one. Rob and Sally both got fat. But Sally got fat while devoting her time to charity, and Rob got fat while making crappy films and passing laws that make it illegal for me to smoke in a bar. Up yours, Rob. Sally wins!
Jessica Simpson and Johnny Knoxville – The Dukes of Hazzard
In most cases, time’s assault is gradual, and a woman’s beauty slips away over decades. But sometimes, if a woman eats enough McGriddles, it happens almost overnight. That’s what happened to Jessica Simpson. As for Johnny Knoxville, he still looks like the same jackass.
Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher – Star Wars
This list idea was born when I watched Carrie Fisher’s HBO special, “Wishful Drinking.” As Fisher herself points out, it’s not really fair that the image of her younger self wearing a golden bikini is tattooed into the minds of most men under the age of 40. It’s also not fair that Harrison Ford looks relatively the same, except the creepy scarf and earring make him look like a gay-80′s pop singer. But tough titty. That’s life. If Fisher was a normal woman on the street, I wouldn’t think anything of it. But she’s not. She’s Princess Leia, or at least she was. To quote Holy Taco, now she looks like “Salvador Dali’s take on Sally Jesse Raphael.”
This article was originally posted on January 4th, 2011. It was modified on August 24th, 2011.