I'm Jake! Howdy, howdy, howdy!
You got a problem, Judd?Leslie Mann is taking a Business Trip. The italics mean that's the title of a movie in which I'm slyly reporting she is attached to star. Actresses don't go on business trips, you guys. Unless they're also an entrepreneur of some sort. But that isn't the case in this instance.Mann's husband, super-producer Judd Apatow, will super-produce the film about "three women who go on a corporate trip but wind up doing anything but business while on company time." Yep. Drugs and sex. With their girl parts, which I hear from my older brother are pretty awesome. Or so he heard. (Vulture)
We're through the looking glass here, people. Hustler has announced that their upcoming sexxed-up take on Avatar, entitled This Ain't Avatar XXX will be jamming more than ponytails into orifices in pants-swelling 3D. Though it's not the world's first porno (that distinction belongs to Octopussy 3D: A XXX Parody and Whorrie Potter and the Sorcerer's Balls), it will be Hustler's most expensive.This idea scares the crap out of me. I really don't want to be naked except for a pair of 3D glasses. That's a rule that I've set for my life and one that I don't intend to break. It's on my bucket list of things not to do. And what would happen if you cross your eyes while wearing those things?!! I don't know and don't want to know!! (Huffington Post)
Disney is snatching up original pitches, and this latest one is a guaranteed homerun and/or strikeout. It comes from Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps scribe Allan Loeb with Bradley Cooper attached to star. THR has the stats:The dramedy centers on a baseball player who gets injured and has to go back to the minors where the only place he can find lodging is in a senior citizens' home. There, he meets an old baseball guru who helps lead him back.Does the film take place in a futuristic world where studio apartments with a partial view don't exist? Or does the stench of death drive the character's desire to succeed? I'm going to need a lot of logistics answered to step up to the plate for this one. For example, how many baseball puns can I use in one post before it starts to smell fowl? Ah sh*t, that's the wrong kind of fowl. I really fouled that one up. **Removes jock strap from head and cap from groin**
This video is called Scarface in 5 Seconds but it's a lie. Regardless, it gave me the giggles and warrants repeat viewings. Apparently it's been around awhile but I haven't seen it so let's all pretend that it's new, like Ricky Martin's homosexuality. Pssst, Ricky. We knew. We knew. (DreadCentral)
After the excitement, confusion, and downright insanity of the legend that is Jacques D'Azur, an heir has finally been found. Amid extreme secrecy, Stella Artois 4% whisked him away to the Cannes Film Festival in order to represent his surrogate father. After a quick make over, Junior D'Azur (as we're calling him), dove straight into all that Cannes had to offer; enjoying leisurely speedboat rides, extravagant parties, and dinning in the best restaurants, setting the Mediterranean city alight with rumours of a new 'man of mystery'. In the first few days of settling into his newfound 'life of luxury', Junior D'Azur was tailed by a camera crew, and highlights of their time with him were recently released to the public. To prove that an heir exists? To profile a man whom some say could become the next Jacques D'Azur? Or just to make the rest of us jealous? Either way, Stella Artois 4% has given us a glimpse into the glamorous world of the Cannes Film Festival, and shown a man unflinching in his ability to enjoy the finer things in life. Wherever Jacques is (or isn't), we bet he's smiling and raising a toast to Junior D'Azur's future adventures. We'll keep you posted! Check out highlights from Cannes after the jump!
FIGHT!! FIGHT!! FIGHT!!The threat of seeing a Seth Rogen topless scene has been squashed… for now. Last we heard about McG's This Means War was that Seth Rogen and Chris Pine were up to play two former spies who destroy New York City while fighting for the hand of Reese Witherspoon. Now there's news that Chris Pine is on-board and Rogen is out, with the part now being offered to Sam Worthington.I think this could be pretty interesting casting. Worthington has mastered squinting in front of a green-screen, so let's see what he does with a comedy. Though, I am a little worried for Sam. He's making far too many movies and I'm afraid he's not getting enough sleep. How is he supposed to deal with the strain of keeping an American accent if his tongue doesn't get enough rest? (Vulture)
Adorable Rachel McAdams has agreed to work with the very fly, fresh, cool Channing Tatum in The Vow, a love story that sounds exactly like the Adam Sandler comedy 50 First Dates. What, you don't believe me? Tell 'em, THR!"Vow" tells the real-life story of a newlywed New Mexico couple, played by McAdams and Tatum, who end up in a car crash. The wife is put in a coma, where she is cared for by her devoted husband. When she comes to, without any memory of her husband or their marriage, the husband woos her and attempts to wins her heart again.See! It's just like 50 First Dates, except without Rob Schneider in a mop wig. The project has been in development for more than a decade, but 50 First Dates came out six years ago, which is like four scores in Hollywood time, so the moment to strike is NOW. They could have at least turned the idea on its ear and put the husband in a coma. Tatum in a vegetative state would have been the wish fulfillment film of the decade.
King Kong comes to Bangladesh in search of love, and takes it by force. Not unlike my night out at the LAX club last Saturday. I'm totally kidding, you guys! She was begging for it… (FilmDrunk)
We've previously reported that James Franco would be mandhandled by damn, dirty ape paws in the Planet of the Apes prequel Rise of the Apes. Today, there are more casting rumors floating around. Bloody Disgusting reports that offers have been made to Don Cheadle and Freida Pinto to join the fight against the CGI simians. There's no specifics offered about which roles the actors are being offered, but their presence alone should be enough to excite audiences. This project looks like it's really shaping up. And judging by this advance artwork I found, it's going to be a little bit of a madcap romp.
Dead in the water."True Blood" star Alexander Skarsgard is on board for the upcoming Universal film, Battleship. Skarsgard joins Taylor Kitsch in the adaptation of the iconic strategy game.To many, making a movie about a nautical-themed board game might seem a tad stupid. But for all you skeptics, there's one thing you should know. An "alien invasion" element has been added to the plot.Wow. It's beyond mockery. Congrats, Universal. You sunk my sarcasm. (Coming Soon)
I bet he's never heard an 'ass bender" joke before. I'm so clever!Michael Fassbender has been confirmed as Magneto in Fox’s upcoming prequel, X-Men: First Class. Fassbender will star along side James McAvoy who is already cast to play a young Charles Xavier.For those of you who don't know, Magneto (a.k.a. Eric Lensherr) was not always a villain, and was once good friends with Xavier. However, after a tragic fraternity hazing mishap involving a broom handle left Xavier confined to a wheel chair, the two became bitter rivals. (Cinema Blend)
Who better to convince children to rat on their touchy-feely parents than a trio of demonic dolls? Then the kids go cry to daddy about the scary puppets on TV and they get the belt again. Some marketing guru didn't think this PSA through very well.Don't make me tell you twice to click these links.What Do Comic Fans Think Of 'Jonah Hex' (Moviefone) 13-Foot Stay Puft Marshmallow Man Costume (Asylum) John Morris, The Voice of Andy In 'Toy Story' Speaks (PopEater) James Franco Really Likes Gay Stuff (FilmDrunk) Smoking Hot Marisa Miller Pictures (HolyTaco) "That Guy" Actor Of The Week: Joe Flaherty (Unreality) 10 Great Spoofs of the 'Psycho' Shower Scene (BroBible) Tiger Woods Love Child (TotalProSports) Hot California Gurls Pictures (Maxim) Rampage Blames Loss To Rashad (CagePotato) Justin Bieber Chatroulette (CelebJihad) 10 People You Don't Want At Your Pool Party (Smosh) The Pajiba 10 (1992 Edition) (Pajiba) Swat-Stickas (Atom) Anarchy In A Jam Jar (MadeMan) 5 People You Will Meet At The Beach This Summer (RegretfulMorning)
In his version of 3D, audiences walk out with a black eye.Martin Scorsese's next project is a 3D adaptation of Brian Selznick's novel The Invention of Hugo Cabret. The director has been quoted in the past saying that he doesn't like 3D just for 3D's sake, meaning stuff flying at your face is bunk, but it seems Scorsese has quickly changed his tune. According to his longtime editor Thelma Schoonmaker, who recently spoke to a masterclass at Aruba International Film Festival, Scorsese is all about getting up in your face with his film now:“Scorsese is in love with [3D]. He looked at Avatar and Alice [in Wonderland] and Scorsese didn’t feel that the 3D he saw was as interesting as in the old ones like Dial M for Murder and House of Wax. He’s decided he wants to be stronger with 3D to make it jump out at you. He’s going to go a little bit further with it.”Daaaaaaaamn, Marty. You dissed Cameron and Burton in one fell swoop. Actually your editor did by proxy, so maybe you should consider putting a muzzle on her.The Invention of Hugo Cabret is written by John Logan (Gladiator, Aviator) and stars Ben Kingsley, Sacha Baron Cohen, Asa Butterfield, and Chloe Moretz. It's Scorsese's first foray into 3D, and he's extremely excited about molding the technology to his very specific stylings. I'm personally jazzed to see this one on December 9th of next year. Even though it's a family film, I've read the book and can confirm that if you possess a soul you're guaranteed a whimsical good time. If you don't have a soul, you can proceed with killing helpless small animals in your mother's garden. (/Film)
Gary, take about one-million steps to the left.Gary Oldman must owe someone money. The extremely versatile and talented actor is set to star in the crime thriller Guns, Girls & Gambling alongside the not versatile and talented Dane Cook and Christian Slater. Alright, Slater deserves some cred, mainly for Kuffs, but still, Oldman stumbled into the wrong lukewarm jacuzzi. THR, mind telling us about the project?The story throws Elvis impersonators, Indians, modern cowboys, a 6-foot-tall blond assassin, a frat boy, a corrupt sheriff and a prostitute into a chase for a priceless American Indian artifact stolen during a poker game at an Indian casino.Slater plays a normal guy who in a drunken stupor joins an Elvis impersonation contest. Oldman is the contest’s mega-contender, and Cook will play the sheriff. . What? This movie sounds ridiculous. Any God-fearing American worth his salt knows that frat boys don't mess with prostitution or gambling. But if you say so, indie director Michael Winnick. I can suspend my disbelief for Dane Cook, but the mischievous frat boys plot line just doesn't hold water.
I'm going to continue posting these porn parody trailers because I personally find it amusing when nasty sex gets shoehorned into anything, especially movies and TV shows that don't deserve such acts being forced on them. I wouldn't be so bold as to call these porn parodies "the rape of western media" but if major outlets pick up the term I want proper credit. Having said all that, New Sensations added boobies and stuff to The Breakfast Club! Imagine all of the confessions about parental abuse in the original film replaced with sexual innuendos. So basically, they stole our entire schtick at Screen Junkies. **Represses deep-seated emotions. Plasters on fake smile** Check out the porn parody trailer after the jump. Fingers crossed for the single "Don't You Forget About Missionary" in the full length movie.
I know how much you guys love info about movies that may never happen, so here are some photos from the set of The Hobbit. The film has no director, but people are working hard over in New Zealand to build The Shire. Once the project is completely dead they'll abandon the land, leaving prime, unpatroled real estate open for hobbit squaters. They're the worst kind of squaters.More c*ck tease pics after the jump.
Western flicks have been cattle-roping since the invention of the movie camera. So it's no surprise that sometimes they get a bit stale. Every so often, filmmakers jump into the genre with a little extra spice. Only, instead of coriander, they've got zombies, man-eating monsters, and gadgets.This week, Jonah Hex, based on the DC Comics series, adds a bit of the supernatural to Josh Brolin's archetypal old west anti-hero. Next year, we'll see the release of Cowboys & Aliens. It's no stretch, nowadays, to see modern westerns made with a little fantasical pizzazz, so we put together a short history of supernatural motifs in the genre.
Sweet mother of us all! This Predator's scary vagina mouth is the most horrifying thing I've seen since Love Actually.In this newly released photo from the upcoming Robert Rodriguez-produced film, one of the Predators displays his fangs in an all-out attempt to cause Danny Trejo's character to poop his pants. I'm assuming it didn't work, since Danny Trejo is the most menacing thing in the galaxy. Even so, it's pretty bad ass. See more freaky Predators pics after the jump.
Nic Cage Wants His Cake – Watch more Funny VideosWho would have thought something so great could come from the Brett Ratner-directed film The Family Man? I want this song as my ringtone. Verizon, make it happen! (FilmDrunk)I want these links!'Sons of Archery' Creator Fires Back About Pending Lawsuit (TVSquad) 'Ghostbusters' Burlesque–Stay Puft In Go-Go Boots, Slimer Bares All (Asylum) ShamWow Guy Vince Shlomi Pitches Eminem Album (PopEater) 'Children Of Men' Director's CGI Epic Has 20-Min Opening Shot (FilmDrunk) Sexy Pics Of Catrinel Menghia (HolyTaco) Do You Believe In Destiny? (Unreality) Free Drake Concert Doesn't Happen, Erupts Into A Small Riot (BroBible) Chewy Cheers For The English (TotalProSports) Sex: Some Like It Hot (Maxim) Dave 'Pee Wee' Herman Talks Contract Dispute With Bellator (CagePotato) Jennifer Love Hewitt Flashes Cleavage In Attempt To Land Husband (CelebJihad) 20 Chuck Norris Motivators (Smosh) 'The Shat' Directs a Documentary About Himself (Pajiba) Johnny B. Homeless-Beer Pong Adventures (Atom) USB Typewriter (MadeMan)
BREAKING: Cameron Diaz loooooooves c*ck.In what I'm sure wasn't in any way an attempt to boost the box office success of her upcoming film Knight & Day, Cameron Diaz spoke with Playboy about earning frequent flyer miles for c*ck, among other things. Ugh, why do celebrities make it so easy sometimes? I try to utilize my razer sharp wit, and then Diaz goes mouthing off about how she's constantly on the prowl for c*ck. She even said "C*CK." No euphemisms or anything.Check out the highlights from Movieline while I go try to find news that pushes my limits:On romance: “Oh gosh, I can’t even count how many times I’ve gotten on a plane for love. It’s not unusual in this business; my lifestyle demands it. I’m always traveling for [whispers] cock. You’ve got to go where it is.”MORE BLATANT P.R. AFTER THE JUMP.
Our hopes of seeing a vampire use his fangs to perform a Caesarean section have just gone down in flames. Screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg has informed the LA Times that Breaking Dawn's gory birthing scene will happen off-screen. Seltzer and Friedberg wouldn't pussy out like that.On the fan site, on Facebook, all the comments are "It has to be R rated! You have to show the childbirth! Gore and guts and sex!" For me it's actually more interesting to not see it. You know, you can do childbirth without seeing childbirth … it doesn't mean it's any less evocative of an experience.Yes, you can do childbirth without seeing childbirth. But when that childbirth features an accelerated pregnancy that kills the host from the inside out, causing a f*cking vampire to eat his way through the mother's stomach in order to deliver the baby, which can run around and has complete awareness, you'd better show the childbirth. But whatever. I'm not a screenwriter. If you're not going to show the delivery, don't even THINK of making us sit through the boring lamaze class scene. Those are always the same.
"Is that boy's head on fire?"Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, the two directors behind the tweeked-out Crank films, are negotiating to stab their hypodermic needle of creativity into the heart of the Ghost Rider sequel, entitled Ghost Rider: The Spirit of Vengeance. Nic Cage will return as Johnny Blaze, the stuntman with a serious dry scalp problem.The film needs to go into production before November or Columbia loses the rights, so who better to take a chokehold on the project than the guys who directed two movies where speed is a major component. I can't imagine the sequel to Ghost Rider could turn out any worse than the original. Neveldine and Taylor are basically getting permission to play with fire, and I fear not even the craft services table would be safe from their wrath. When Neveldine spots crafty serving up bananas foster across the stage, you know he's gonna want to bathe in those flames. (THR)
The Internet used to suck. The Internet is good for a few things besides revitalizing Betty White's career, and Middle Men is here to remind us of that. The new film is inspired by the brave heros who brought porn to the Internet, and molded it into the universe it has become. Luke Wilson stars as a businessman who helps guide the first online billing company that deals exclusively with adult entertainment. Judging from their unkempt look and sparring habits, Giovanni Ribisi and Gabriel Macht co-star as the staff of ScreenJunkies.com. Oh, I've just been told that they play the programmers who invent the billing method. I was close. Soon the trio are caught in the middle between porn stars, fabulous riches, Russian mobsters, the FBI, and Luke Wilson once again has to tangle with Mr. Henry. It's weird to see him without Rowboat. PAY SOME RESPECT TO THE INTERNET'S HERITAGE AFTER THE JUMP…
Julia Jones may not be in the twilight of her career yet but this natural beauty from Beantown will showcase her talents in two back-to-back movies this summer, Jonah Hex as a busty prostitute named Cassie and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse as she-wolf Leah Clearwater. Not bad for a former model turned actress, who was last seen in the Tarantino flophouse Hell Ride.A word from Julia: "If you try to scowl, just for four hours straight, you will start feeling pretty pissed off. I'm not kidding."Yeah because you're scowling for four hours straight. If I'm doing anything for four hours straight I'd get pissed off. Yes, even eating nachos.More pics of Julia smiling after the jump.
I'm still not sure which is more annoying, the vuvuzela or Shelley Duvall. (FYeahDementia)
Director: Zack SnyderCast: Emilie de Ravin,Jim Sturgess, Geoffrey Rush, Abbie Cornish, Rachel TalylorSynopsis: Soren, a young barn owl, is kidnapped by owls of St. Aggie's, ostensibly an orphanage, where owlets are brainwashed into becoming soldiers. He and his new friends escape to the island of Ga'Hoole, to assist its noble, wise owls who fight the army being created by the wicked rulers of St. Aggie's. The film is based on the first three books in the series.Release Date: September 24, 2010
We avoided posting the teaser trailer for Zack Snyder's Legends of the Guardians because our managing editor Col. Hans Longshanks wasn't into it. But now he is, so here's the full-length trailer. I'm not sure what experience he had with owls in the interim that changed his mind, but he has been acting weird since he went to that sweat lodge. Or more accurately, the day he didn't notice the gas leak in his apartment. All in all, Guardians looks great. But be careful while watching. You may find yourself enjoying the soundtrack before you realize it's Thirty Seconds to Mars. Not this time, Leto! CHECK OUT THE TRAILER AFTER THE JUMP. IT HAS OWLS.
Hopefully this chair was burned after the shoot. Russell Crowe is sorry and trying to atone for his violent, dangerous past by putting his skills to use helping those who need protection and/or the use of a phone. Not in real life though. Never in real life. Despite The A-Team's belly-flop onto hard concrete this past weekend, Crowe has been attached to a remake of the vengeance-for-hire series "The Equalizer." Crowe will play Robert McCall (originated by Edward Woodward), a former secret agent determined to help those in need via a newspaper ad. I imagine this will be modernized to a Craigslist ad. Because those in need certainly always have a $2,000 laptop and a costly Verizon FiOS connection. (LA Times)
I remember it looking a lot cooler when I was eight.The much anticipated (by me) remake of The Monster Squad has come one step closer to completion with the addition of two new screenwriters. Mark and Brian Gunn (cousins, not husbands) have signed on to pen the reboot of Fred Dekker's 1987 classic.Assuming they don't totally ruin the film by going the Twilight route, it will be nice to see a vampire that wants to kill teenagers, not fall in love with them. Unless, of course, they base the Dracula character on my creepy Uncle Mike, who liked to do both. (Hollywood Reporter via Dead Central)