By Guest Columnist and Confederate Apologist Archibald McClintock VI
Based on Seth Grahame-Smith's novel of the same name, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter has been acquired by Fox. The film will be directed by Timur Bekmambetov, with Tim Burton on board as a producer. Of course these lily-livered Hollywood elitists can not build up the image of a man as loathsome as our 16th chief executive without first tearing down the reputation of Dixie.
"The 'new' history finds Lincoln discovering that Southern plantation owners aren't using slaves for labor, but blood as they are actually evil creatures of the night. This causes Lincoln to become an Abolitionist and the true motives for the Civil War are born."
The brave sons and daughters of the Confederacy will not sit idly by as the South's good name is dragged through the mud. Any historian worth a damn knows that cases of vampirism in the Antebellum South were minimal, and confined to Papists in Louisiana. I intend to write a letter to all parties involved with this drivel right after I finish cooking meth, watching Nascar, and sleeping with my cousin. (HitFix)
Andrew Niccol is scooping up all the pretty people for his now untitled sci-fi film. Olivia Wilde is the latest hot, young thing to join the cast that already consists of Justin Timberlake, Amanda Seyfried, Cillian Murphy, and Vincent Kartheiser. Wilde will play Timberlake's hot mom, in the film about a society where the aging gene is turned off at age twenty-five. Hence, old and gross people can appear twenty-five forever.
Originally called I'm.mortal, the film is now currently untitled. That's good news for sh*tty trip-hop bands in Florida who may be in need of a name. (EW)
Sony Pictures will offer Easy A star Emma Stone the role of Mary Jane Watson in the Spider-man Reboot, Deadline is reporting. I imagine the actress will say yes, unless she hates the feel and smell of money. If this news is true, thank God they've knocked out one more casting decision.
Next one up is the role of Gwen Stacy, Spidey's first love. The actresses currently in contention are Dianna Agron, Mia Wasikowska, Georgina Haig, and Dominique McElligott. My personal chose would be Agron, as her name is the easiest to spell and I'm sure I'll be writing about Spider-man upwards of fifty thousand times over the next few years. Alright, she's also got a smile that could melt cold hearts. I hope you're happy. Now I'm emoting.
Get outta there, Tom! You don't belong there!
Here are your weekend links.
'The Social Network' Stars Geek Out (Moviefone)
6 Extremely Ethically Questionable Psychological Experiments (Asylum)
8 Priests Arrested For Something Other Than Touching Kids (Ranker)
Colorado Zombie Cops: The Reckoning (HolyTaco)
Frotcast: Lindy West, Wall Street, Jackass 3D Screening (FilmDrunk)
Hot Pictures Of Kelly Brook (Maxim)
Carla Giraldo SOHO Topless Photo Shoot NSFW (BarStoolSports)
5 Celebrities Who Were One Hit Wonders (EgoTV)
It Was A Graveyard Smash: "The Munsters" Are Back!!! (Pajiba)
6 Six Things A Person Needs To Create A Successful Kid's TV Show (Unreality)
30 Hot Hockey Girl Pics (TotalProSports)
The Social Network & 7 Other Websites That Has Movies (Smosh)
The 25 Hottest Women Born In October (BroBible)
Miley Cyrus Has Cholera (CelebJihad)
CagePotato Comments Of The Week: NSFW (CagePotato)
Shia LaBeouf Won't Drop Beef With Frankie Muniz (PopEater)
True Grit isn't messing around with its new poster. The tag "Punishment Comes One Way or Another" lets you know that sh*t is gonna get real, and real fast. The broadsheet style seems appropriate for the film, and Josh Brolin's name bleeding out is the perfect Coen Bros. touch. Sure, I'll go ahead and check this one out come Christmas. It might be nothing short of awesome.
Gosling bites his thumb at Clooney's on-set dress code.
George Clooney is stepping behind the camera again for Farragut North and he wants Ryan Gosling to be his leading man. Based on Howard Dean's 2004 campaign, Farragut North details the shady practices and backstabbings that take place in order for a candidate to get a nom. No stranger to nom-nom-noms, Venom-hopeful Philip Seymour Hoffman is on board as the boss of Gosling's political mastermind character.
Leonardo DiCaprio was once connected to the role, and then Chris Pine was expected to step in after bringing down the house in the play version. But in the end, it looks like it's Gosling's for the taking. No fair. He gets to be in a great movie AND Rachel McAdams. (Deadline)
The cyborg super-cop Robocop defends citizens of Old Detroit with three times as much action when the Robocop Trilogy arrives as a Blu-ray collector’s set October 5. Just in time for the holiday season, this three disc set from MGM Home Entertainment contains the original Robocop on Blu-ray, as well as Robocop 2 and Robocop 3 on Blu-ray for the first time.
Packed full of memorable moments and Robocop quotes, the Robocop Trilogy is a fan must-have. Viewers can experience their favorite “human” robot in all three classic films, now on Blu-ray. I'd buy that for a dollar!
But you can get it for free. I have two copies of the Robocop Trilogy on Blu-Ray to give away. For your chance to win one simply follow Screen Junkies on Twitter and tweet the answer to this question:
What is the name of the machine Dick Jones creates that Robocop goes up against at the end of the first film?
The first two people to tweet the correct answer win. Your move, creep.
Ciaran Hinds (aka Vinnie Jones Lite) and smooooking hot Italian actress Violante Placido have both been approached to take roles in Ghost Rider 2 and replied, "Yeah, sure. Why the heck not?" Hinds is onboard to play the Devil, and Placido will play the mother of a boy whose body the Devil wants to take over.
Yikes. That's what this movie's about? At least Placido will be hanging around to help distract from the plot and dialogue. And Nicolas Cage's hairline. (Coming Soon)
Yaaaaaay, more Spider-man reboot love interest casting news. Dianna Agron, who plays teenage mother and cheerleader Quinn in "Glee," and Georgina Haig, star of Toronto Film Festival hit Wasted on the Young, are being considered to get Peter Parker's spidey sense and loins tingling. We previously reported that Emma Stone and Mia Wasikowska are also in the race. The actresses are vying for the roles of Gwen Stacy, Peter Parker's first love, and Mary Jane Watson, the redhead who comes along later. The contenders could of course change at any moment, as all of them might be unavailable or smell funny.
Deadline is also reporting that there are early unconfirmed talks that Sony and director Marc Webb are looking at Philip Seymour Hoffman to play the film's villain, Venom. Say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Have they seen the man lately? Don't get me wrong, he's an amazing actor, but he isn't exactly lithe. I don't remember side stitches as one of Venom's super powers.
According to Production Weekly, Emily Blunt has signed up for Rian Johnson's sci-fi movie Looper. It's expected that she'll play the female lead, a MILF who finds Joseph Gordon-Levitt hiding out in her barn.
If Van Damme movies have taught me anything, Gordon-Levitt will stay with her and her son for a while, help with farm chores, teach the kid to play catch, get intimate with Emily, and then have to confront his past when his enemies show up on the doorstep. Or worse, he'll be banned into exile when the family Netflixes G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra. Seriously, why was he in that?
Remember how the band Limp Bizkit made you want to stick an icepick in your ears and never listen to music again? Well now Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst wants to try and ruin your love of cinema by directing his latest film, Pawn Shop Chronicles.
Written by Adam Minarovich, the script is said to be in the vein of Pulp Fiction with 24 Frames describing it as such: “in a nutshell, a missing wedding ring leads to a wild-goose chase involving meth addicts, skinheads and an Elvis impersonator.”
Based the that wacky description, it sounds like a mix between Hooneymoon in Vegas, "Breaking Bad," and a steaming pile of dog nookie. (Collider)
Director Roland Emmerich wants Will Smith to be president. Luckily, he’s a kraut, so he can’t vote in our bad-ass American elections. However, there’s nothing stopping him from making Will Smith president in the magical world of make believe.
MTV is now reporting that Emmerich was so inspired by the election of Barack Obama that he will cast Will Smith as the president in the planned sequels to his 1996 blockbuster, Independence Day….cause he’s black, I guess. This brings up an interesting question. If McCain had won, would Randy Quaid’s character, a deranged fighter pilot who was once held prisoner by aliens, be the president instead? If so, I’d like to go back and changed my vote. Sorry, Cynthia McKinney. (Cinema Blend)
Amazing AC/DC vs Ghostbusters Mashup, 'Thunder Busters' – Watch more horror
It's entitled Thunder Busters and the songs go together almost too well. (LaughingSquid)
Have a go at these links.
Remembering Greg Giraldo (TVSquad)
How to Make a Living As a Human Lab Rat (Asylum)
10 Favorite Food Trucks in L.A. (Ranker)
25 Tongues (HolyTaco)
Armond White Hates HATES Bloggers (FilmDrunk)
50 Funniest News Headlines (Maxim)
Purse Snatch Fail (BarStoolSports)
6 Movies That Need a Porn Parody (EgoTV)
The History of Rap (Pajiba)
Law and Order SVU's Brilliant Portrayal of Gamers (Unreality)
9 Greatest College Fight Songs (TotalProSports)
Amazing Steampunk Animals (Smosh)
20 Japanese Models with Huge Chests (BroBible)
Taylor Swift Dresses Like a Pirate Hooker (CelebJihad)
Penn and Hughes are Bros now? (CagePotato)
Justin Timberlake Is Burnt Out on Music (PopEater)
You Can't Get Stabbed in This Shirt (MadeMan)
Emma Thompson has signed on to head up the Men in Black. The British actress who last played ugly, but I'm sure charming in her own right, Nanny McPhee will play Oh in Men in Black 3. Thompson will be the new boss in charge, as Rip Torn can no longer be trusted to keep a super secret government agency on the rails **mimes taking swig of whisky**. Good luck getting Tommy Lee Jones to take orders from a woman. He's going to scowl a whole lot more than usual. (Deadline)
My problem with Snow White has always been that it's severely lacking in mixed martial arts. That won't be a problem anymore. Universal just plunked down more cash than any of us will ever see to buy the rights to Snow White and the Huntsman.
The script, written by Greyskull's Evan Daugherty, reimagines the classic by having Snow White team up with the Huntsman who was ordered to kill her. They live in the forest together where he trains her to fight and survive, and hopefully build up a tolerance to apple poison. Rupert Sanders is attached to direct, with no talent lined up just yet. I'd like to suggest Krysten Ritter and Bear Grylls. If there's anyone who can build a shelter out of dwarf carcasses, it's that guy. (Deadline)
And the winner is…
"Wow, you guys deliver really fast."
The winner will recieve an iPod Shuffle, the It's Kind of a Funny Story soundtrack, and a hoodie.
Thanks to everyone who entered. You guys are kind of funny.
It's Kind of a Funny Story hits theaters October 8th.
The 100 Best Kills Party at Fantastic Fest was more of a sit down show than a party. It had tickets, attendees sat in a movie theater and Alamo Drafthouse hosts Zack and Lars introduced footage on the screen. I thought I knew movies, but very few of the clips they showed were movies I’d seen or heard of, so it was an educational presentation that will increase my Netflix queue exponentially.
More on the films that made the cut after the jump…
Listen, I thought Jackass #2 was the best movie of 2006 and I stand by that. It was so creative with stunts, well performed, artistically composed and put together. It has motifs and plays with its own format. They’ve taken it to the next level of what entertainment should be and I fully expect Jackass 3D to be just as awesome in 2D, but a well deserved spoof of the 3D movement.
At Fantastic Fest Secret Screening #3, Steve-O introduced some preview footage from Jackass 3D. It was the same reel they showed at the beer party at San Diego Comic Con, but if you didn’t get to see that I’ll describe it for you again. But first, he did a live Jackass stunt, lighting his hair on fire with hairspray, then having his buddy blow a fireball off it. Sorry, my camera missed the fireball but you can still see his head on fire.
The video and more after the jump…
"I'ma step out for a few, and I want all this sh*t cleaned up by the time I get back."
Would you guys go see Battleship if Sam Raimi produced or directed it? Because he's pretty much doing that. He's not involved in Battleship per se, but he and District 9 producer Bill Block are working together to get the sci-fi epic EDF (Earth Defense Force) off the ground.
The story sounds like the usual aliens vs. Earth fare. It begins when a squad of aviators venture into Chinese waters to rescue a submarine's distress call. When they get there, the Chinese attack. Naturally, it's all an alien trap that both sides have foolishly walked into and they are blown out of the sky. Then the aliens go and jack up a bunch of landmarks and military bases before disappearing. Earth then must put its differences aside and pull it together before the aliens return and house our remaining landmarks. F*cking aliens, man. No word yet on whether Raimi will direct but it's more likely he will serve as a producer. At any rate, let's hope Bruce Campbell still has that Admiral costume from a few Halloweens ago. (Vulture)
Memories, like the corners of my mind. Misty water-colored memories…
Here's something you think would have happend sooner. MYST, the all-time top selling computer adventure game franchise, is getting the live action movie treatment. Why it took Hollywood so long to scoop this property up is baffling. "All-time top selling" should be enough to have execs diving for their fountain pens. One problem though. How the hell do you adapt a game about a guy discovering crap on an island? How, Deadline?!
One focus of the film will be the influence of a human who entered Myst and inadvertently brought down the civilization. The filmmakers will draw the plot from the mythology within the games, as well as a trilogy of companion novels Cyan Worlds published around them. Players enter a highly atmospheric world and solve a series of puzzles that unlock secrets to this mysterious world. Players can liberate characters trapped inside of books, but have to decide which ones are good and evil.
Books? Puzzles? This is beginning to sound an awful lot like learning. Come to think of it, the game MYST felt like learning too… My God, I was duped. All these years I thought MYST was pure mindless entertainment and it turns out I was building up my problem solving skills. First the "Lost" series finale and now this. I never want to visit a fictional island ever again!
Today in Old White Man Casting News, Anthony Hopkins has joined Rachel Weisz in Fernando Meirelles' 360, and Christopher Plummer has signed on for David Fincher's The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Good for these two AARP card carrying members. They know the true secret to not dying: keep working!
Anthony Hopkins is the first of many that will be cast in the Peter Morgan-scripted 360, as the movie revolves around ten characters. It “examines sexual morals within and between social classes, using various pairs of characters who have sexual encounters in and outside of their social classes.” No word yet who Hopkins will be banging, but I've been told one of the characters is named The Whore. So maybe Lindsay Lohan.
In Dragon Tattoo, Christopher Plummer will play the wealthy industrialist who hires Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara to solve a 40-year-old murder. In the process, they find all kinds of deep, dark, effed up secrets in his family. Plummer seems like the perfect person for the role. His character has to get out a lot of exposition, and he should do just fine keeping the viewer intrigued. When Plummer gets intense it's as if he could hit you with a switch at any moment. (/Film, THR)
Tomorrow, The Social Network hits theaters, and if the early buzz is any indication, it should be a major success. Even if it fails to deliver at the box office, critical reception has been so positive that the film is already considered an Oscar contender. And it’s easy to see why. After all, who doesn’t love a good story of betrayal? While the events depicted in The Social Network are hotly contested by Facebook co-creator Mark Zuckerberg, a film involving friends back stabbing friends over a billion dollar idea seems a lot more watchable than a film about some guys coding a website.
In honor of The Social Network, here are 13 classic betrayals from the world of cinema.
More bleak news to report as this week has claimed another celebrity. In addition to Gloria Stuart, Sally Menke, and Greg Giraldo, Hollywood legend Tony Curtis has also passed. Best known for his roles in Spartacus, Some Like It Hot, Sweet Smell Of Success, The Defiant Ones, and The Bad New Bears Go To Japan, Curtis proved himself an effortless performer in both drama and comedy. Then there was Lobster Man From Mars.
A representative for daughter Jamie Lee Curtis confirmed the news of his passing this morning. He was 85. (ET)
Oh, happy day. Robert Zemeckis is finally ready to take a step away from directing creepy dead-in-the-eyes motion capture features, and return to what he does best — live-action movies about time travel. The director will get behind the lens for Timeless, a project we don't know jack about. Other than the news that it's scripted by Mike Thompson, is about time travel and will have a lot of money pumped into it by Warner Bros. As a huge fan of the Back to the Future films, I'm already psyched for it. If Zemeckis can get used to working with flesh and blood, non-creepy actors again (or Crispin Glover), we should be in for a treat. (Deadline)
Bask in all the irony.
Hipsters everywhere will soon have a reason to not be indignant with the movies. Wes Anderson, their poster boy director, is in the midst of making a new film. There aren't many details yet, but The Playlist discovered that Anderson is looking for a 12-year-old boy and girl to fill the lead roles. I'm sure he's camera testing them in wide-angled, meticulously art-directed shots.
I'm a much bigger fan of Anderson's animated directing effort Fantastic Mr. Fox than I am of his live action films. Perhaps him shooting his next film with young leads means he's staying in touch with his inner child. Of course he'll have to cram Jason Schwartzman in there somehow, but he's compact and doesn't take up too much of the frame.
When I first read the headline "Thora Birch Becomes One of the Manson Girls," I assumed that meant she was now dating Marilyn Manson. That makes more sense to me than her being cast as the lead in a movie. But apparantly she's come out of hiding to do just that.
Birch is replacing Lindsay Lohan (ouch) as the lead in Manson Girls. The film tells the story of a wealthy young woman who falls under Charles Manson's spell. She'll be joining the previously cast Heather Matarazzo, Nikki Blonsky, Erin Kelly, and Jennifer Landon when filming begins in February. It should be noted that this character was not involved in the infamous murder spree that led to Roman Polanski being banned from Yo Gabba Gabba! Live! tapings. (Bloody Disgusting)
It's Kind of a Funny Story starring Zach Galifianakis hits theaters October 8th, and Screen Junkies is giving away an awesome prize pack! One lucky winner will recieve:
The New iPod Shuffle!
Zip Hooded Sweatshirt
Dry Erase Board
Hell, I'd enter for just the sweatshirt. It's colder than a meat locker in my office.
All you have to do is follow Screen Junkies on Twitter and tweet the funniest caption you can muster for the still frame above.
Contest ends tomorrow at 3PM EST. The winner will be announced via Twitter, Facebook, and on the site.
You can enter as many times as you'd like, but make sure your captions tell kind of a funny story. An awesomely funny story might be an even better approach. Good luck!
Steve Carell has hired writers John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein to turn him into a rock star. Of All The Things will be based on the 2008 documentary of the same name that "told the story of how songwriter/producer Dennis Lambert achieved rock star status late in life when he went on a singing tour of the Philippines, and discovered he was to Filipinos what Jerry Lewis is to the French." The Hasselhoff to Germans would have been a more impressive comparison.
This is just one of twenty-million projects Carell is currently attached to. He previously hired Daley and Goldstein to write Burt Wonderstone, in which he'd play a magician who kills his performing partner and tries to rebound. With all this rock star and magician talk, you'd think Carell would just put on a live show already instead of wasting time on all these talkies. I'd rather spend a romantic evening under the stars with him singing "Rhinestone Cowboy" and "Baby Come Back" instead of sitting in a stuffy theater watching him portray the guy who wrote those hits. Bill Silva, let's make this event happen. You can shout me on my Sidekick. (Deadline)
For years, I've been saying that Brett Ratner is a damn communist, and for years my allegations have fallen on deaf ears. But now, I finally have the proof I need to bring down this pinko once and for all.
Ratner is set to direct The Reluctant Communist, the story about Charles Robert Jenkins, a U.S. Army soldier who ended up spending 40-years as a "prisoner" in North Korea after "drunkenly" deserting during the Korean War. While "imprisoned," Jenkins was "forced" to act in North Korean propaganda films and became a national celebrity, usually playing the evil American. There are worse ways to spend a 40-year prison term. Why do I keep thinking of the scene where they first thaw out Austin Powers?
Basil Exposition: Austin, the Cold War is over!
Austin Powers: Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Eh comrades? Eh?
Basil Exposition: Austin… we won.
Austin Powers: Oh, smashing, groovy, yay capitalism!
At any rate, hopefully Ratner will do some on-site research in North Korea very soon. (Variety)
George Lucas must have lost a lot of credits betting on pod races over the weekend, because he's hard at work trying to scrounge up some quick cash. And there's no easier way for the man to make money than re-releasing Star Wars yet again, this time in 3D.
Actually, there is better way: he can re-release all six Star Wars films in 3D in 2012. After all, the Battle of Yavin will look cool in 3D, but Jar Jar Binks stepping in sh*t will be out of this world! (Empire Online)