We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. Both Sean and Michael are amazing character actors, but which Bean/Biehn is the true magical fruit that doesn’t make us toot? Fight!
Sean is certainly the mightier of the two gentlemen in question with surnames that sound like a certain legume. Let’s get the ball rolling by delving into his childhood. As a young boy, Bean smashed a glass door due to an argument over scissors. It left a piece of glass embedded in his leg that briefly impeded his walking and left a large scar. The reason this fact is awesome is two fold: 1) Bean smashed a glass door. That shows a great deal of strength in such a little tyke. It was probably plate glass too, not that tempered pussy glass that spiderwebs when a pebble taps it. 2) Bean has a sweet scar on his leg. Every guy knows chicks dig scars. Also, it was this very incident that lead Bean to acting, as it prevented him from pursuing his dream of becoming a professional football player.
Speaking of acting, Bean is a product of the theater, where REAL actors are born. He was a member of the Royal Shakespeare Company, appearing in productions of Romeo and Juliet, The Fair Maid of the West, and A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Bean even worked alongside Sir Laurence Olivier and Richard Harris, two of the greatest actors to have ever lived. Biehn only got ED Harris, and just because it was in both The Rock and The Abyss, that doesn’t make it better. To be great at any craft, one must first learn the basics, and Sean got a master class from the fine thespians he met during his early career on the stage.
Bean is kick-ass villain. He has the rough look, the gravely voice, and that oh so icy stare. He played the antagonist in Patriot Games, Ronin, National Treasure, The Island, The Hitcher, and GoldenEye. The films aren’t all fantastic, but Bean shines in his roles. It was particularly thrilling to see 006 go up against 007 in GoldenEye. And then we got to see it again in the game for N64. Oh happy day! There’s nothing better than being talked directly to by Sean Bean in a first-person shooter.
Then there is Lord of the Rings, and this sweet fact: Bean’s well-known fear of flying caused him difficulties in mountainous New Zealand, where the trilogy was filmed. After a particularly rough ride, he vowed not to fly to a location again. In one instance, he chose to take a ski lift into the mountains and then hike the final few miles, in full costume complete with shield, armor and sword. Now that’s original gangsta shit. Sure, you could chide him for having a fear of flying, but that would be awfully catty of you. Planes do nosedives all the time. So instead of dealing with the anxiety that comes from those loose statistics I just provided, Bean took the path of a true warrior. I would have loved it if he had passed my humble abode on his journey to set.
Finally, Sean Bean still stars in films and television shows that the general population gives a crap about. In fact, he’ll be heading up the cast of HBO’s “Game of Thrones” in just a couple of weeks. Michael Biehn last starred in Take Me Home Tonight alongside Topher Grace. It was a movie that sat on the shelf for three years, and then when finally released, made less than a bucket of popcorn costs nowadays. In the end, my Bean was and is still relevant in Hollywood. Your Biehn was great back when he was James Cameron’s boy, but now he isn’t even slipping into a mo-cap suit for the next Avatar. I’d say he’s not adding up to a hill of…Biehns. BURN!
Michael Biehn killed The Terminator.
Do I really have to go on?
Granted, he didn’t fully destroy it, but while playing Kyle Reese, he blew it into enough parts that Sarah Connor was able to finish the job. And he didn’t use any fancy weapons or technology from the future. He did it using a homemade pipe bomb. How bad ass is that? He brought down a cyborg killing machine from the future using a weapon doucheba high school kids make when they get bored. Now that’s bad ass.
As if killing the god damn terminator wasn’t bad-ass enough, he also had time to stop and get laid on his little trip to the past. And guess what? His one-night stand resulted in the conception of John Connor. Talk about some super seed! The guy was just looking for a quick in-and-out on his way to fight robots, and he ended up conceiving humanity’s future savior. Not to shabby.
OK, I hear what you’re saying. “Robots are stupid!” First of all, fuck you. Robots are awesome, and they’re smart as hell. Second of all, fine, forget the robots. Michael Biehn has plenty of other shit to kill, starting with the god damn aliens. No, not Vulcans, although he could easily kick their ass. I’m talking about the Xenomorph from the Alien franchise. While playing Cpl. Dwayne Hicks, he killed countless numbers of them, and lived to tell the tale. Well, he died in a spaceship crash, but that’s unrelated. The point is he went toe to toe with the most deadly creature in the universe, and he came out on top. Dozens of space marines lost their lives in the fighting, but not him. Was he just lucky? No, he was tough as shit. Did I mention the Xenomorph has acid for blood? Well it does, and it splattered all over Michael Biehn. But it didn’t kill him. It only pissed him off.
By now you’re probably saying, “Fine, he killed the Terminator and survived the aliens. So what?”
So what? Sew buttons, dick! What else do you want? Did I mention he was in Tombstone? That’s right, the most ridiculously over-the-top western in recent memory. Granted, he played that pussy Johnny Ringo, but just being in that movie gives you street cred. And let’s not forget his role in The Rock, which happens to be the only Michael Bay film I like. I probably only like it because when it came out, I was too young to know what a shitty movie was. But either way, I love it. And if that is somehow not enough for you, he was also in the “Wing Commander” video game series, as well as the “Command and Conquer” series, two of the most bad ass franchises in gaming history. He did all this while Sean Bean was out playing with elves.
Also, he was in Grease, but lets not dwell on that.
Yes, when it comes to the battles of the Biehns, Michael is the clear winner.