Due to concerns about the “dark dingy” quality of some recent 3D movies, director Michael Bay has penned a letter to the projectionists in charge of screening his latest film, Transformers – Dark of the Moon. In the letter, he acknowledges the crucial role projectionists play in delivering a quality experience to moviegoers, and implores them to make sure the latest installment of the Transformers franchise is shown in a manner that meets his specific requirements.
While the letter’s tone may seem polite and deferential to the untrained eye, those in the know are able to read between the lines I am not in the know. However, by using sophisticated translation software, I have been able to sift through the Hollywood-speak and decipher the true meaning of Bay’s letter. So, with out further ado, I give you a translation of Michael Bay‘s letter to projectionists.
Translation: Dear Reel Monkey,
I am proud to have you presenting Transformers – Dark of the Moon.
Translation: How proud you must be to be projecting Transformers – Dark of the Moon. Given the lowly nature of your job, this feeling of pride may feel unfamiliar and possibly uncomfortable. However, there is no need to panic. These strange new feelings are sure to subside once you crawl back to whatever squalid domicile you call home, assuming you are actually able to afford shelter on your meager wages.
We worked very hard to make this the very best 3D live action film.
Translation: By “we” I mean “I.” I worked extremely hard on this. Do you know how hard it is to work with robots? Trust me, it’s brutal. So the last thing I need is you eff up my shit, brah.
To help counter the recent trend of audiences being underwhelmed by ‘dark dingy’ looking 3D…
Translation: If you’re not one of my boys Stevie Spiel or Jimmy Cam then your 3D movie belongs in my golden toilet.
…we have invented various post production processes never before used in this format to enhance sharpness, improve contrast, and render more vibrant colors.
Translation:…it’s just like real life, bitches.
It is critical that your projectors play to the brightness levels specified for the best results.
Translation: Make sure this shit looks really bright. Put the Junior Mints down, get off your ass and read the damn instructions. Just follow the picture of my hand turning a dial past its breaking point.
We have also created a new “Platinum 6 version” of Transformers, for the ultimate in 3D experience, to be played in auditoriums capable of 6-foot lamberts of light on the screen (available to certified auditoriums only).
Translation: Yeah, lamberts. You know what I’m talking about. And if you don’t, I don’t have the time to explain it. But don’t take that to mean that I don’t know what lamberts are because I do.
We are all in this together.
Translation: This is all on you.
Your theaters invested a lot of money in the equipment and we work very hard to deliver a great experience.
Translation: The $70 million I make off of backend points doesn’t just appear out of thin air.
Projectionists are of ultimate importance because your expertise defines the audience’s experience.
Translation: In five years, your job will not exist and the word “projectionist“ will be about as culturally relevant as a compact disk.
Let’s make the audience believe again.
Translation: Let’s make the audience forget Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen.
All the best,
Translation: Suck it,
Translation: Jesus Christ