Poor Kevin James. America’s funny fat guy, despite his enormous box office success, just can’t seem to earn any respect from critics. The Emmy nominated actor has appeared in a series of critical bombs, from 2002’s Pinocchio (0% on Rotten Tomatoes) to 2011’s The Dilemma (21%). He’s not a draw overseas, but movies like Paul Blart and Grown Ups have pulled in over $100 million domestically. He makes money, yet no one will take him seriously. Why is that?
In defense of Kevin James, I believe there’s more to him than just being the funny, round neighbor who finds himself in goofy situations. Deep down there’s a hidden De Niro behind all that pepperoni and pasta. I don’t want him to go down the road Adam Sandler is currently traveling, churning out bad comedy after bad comedy just for the quick buck. And I’m afraid with this Friday’s release of The zookeeper, a story about a zookeeper who has sex with (or maybe it’s talks with?) animals, that that’s exactly where he’s headed. Well no more, Mr. James. I’m here to help you. These are the roles you should be taking to guarantee your box office longevity, showing the world what you can truly do while earning some respect from film critics.
Handicapped, Intellectually Disabled Burn Victim
Playing a handicapped, disabled victim of a horrific accident is the perfect role for Kevin James. In Tears of a Cloud, Kevin plays Sgt. Lance Cantrill, an Iraq war veteran who saved his fellow soldiers during an attack, only to come home in a wheelchair with burns over 60% of his body and a grenade fragment stuck in his brain causing mental retardation. With a newborn baby on the way, James will have you weeping as he tries to reconnect with his family and friends while struggling to go back to his former life as a Hazmat diver.
Know what’ buried beneath all of that fat? Complete and utter rage. For Killer at Extra-Large, James would terrify audiences playing a psychopathic madman who shows no mercy. Kidnapping, raping, torturing, raping again, then eating his victims, James would make Hannibal Lector look like a Sesame Street character. As a former federal forensic scientist who speaks nine different languages, James would become the world’s first global killer, traveling the planet searching for eastern European strippers and small Asian children to add to his growing collection of death. Only Daniel Day-Lewis has the smarts (and the acting ability) to try and capture former CIA specialist Dunky McHollister before Dunky can claim his 500th victim. A guaranteed Oscar win for James that catapults him to the top of Hollywood’s most wanted.
In Sweating Pride, James would inspire us all as Clark Legpowder, a former four-time Tour de France winner who found himself spiraling into a dark hole of depression after the death of his wife and children. If only the teenage amusement park attendant had followed safety protocols and checked all the Ferris Wheel cars before being told to shut the ride down during a thunderstorm, Clark’s wife and kids wouldn’t have been stuck at the very top, innocent statistics in a tragic accident. Having gained 300 pounds and losing his will to live, Clark finds new inspiration in Tobey, a ten year-old stuttering child with tuberculosis who teaches him that what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Despite his heavy frame, and with only three weeks of training, Clark tells young Tobey that he will once again compete in the Tour de France and prove that the human spirit is the strongest f-f-f-f-force in the universe.
In “World of Lardassia” Kevin James would undergo months of hardcore bodybuilding and strength training to portray Kullnando, the fiercest barbarian warrior the lands of Lardassia have ever seen. A tan, ripped James moves like a panther, stealing treasures as he swiftly dispatches his enemies before bedding countless wenches in this hard ‘R’ three-picture fantasy adventure.
Kevin James, there’s more to you than your goofy comedy roles. I know you could pull off each of the characters I’ve described above and showcase your true talents to skeptics who only think of you as a one-trick comedian fatty pony. I know there’s greatness in you, Mr. James, and I can’t wait for the day when you prove to it to the world. Just please do it soon for I fear for our children’s dwindling taste in cinema.
Kevin James (most likely) loves to follow El Guapo on Twitter.