Yesterday, the free world held its breath and waited for word on Charlie Sheen. The question on everyone’s mind (by everyone, I mean almost no one): after a weekend of partying in Vegas, would the actor make it to work on time? It turns out that despite headlines like “Charlie Sheen MIA in Vegas,” the answer was yes. According to TMZ, when he arrived on the set, Sheen was “showing absolutely no sign he went on a major bender this weekend.”
Stop the presses, assholes! We have a new headline: “Charlie Sheen Has Awesome Weekend in Vegas, Then Goes to Work.”
A source on the set added that Sheen’s “having a good time. On the surface it’s the opposite of hitting rock bottom.” Did I read that right? Did “the source” just imply that Sheen is hitting “rock bottom?” The man makes close to $2 million an episode for starring in the #1 rated show on television, and he spent the weekend partying with porn stars at the AVN Awards in Las Vegas. If Sheen is hitting “rock bottom,” then the rest of us have blown straight through the bottom and are half-way to f*cking China. The only bottom this man was hitting is Bree Olson’s. Actually, that’s not even true, since there were three other girls with him. I normally don’t use the word “hero” unless I’m talking about Mr. Rogers or ordering a sandwich, but Charlie Sheen is a god damn hero!
Margot Kidder, who played Louis Lane in the original Superman movies, was found toothless, penniless and living in a cardboard box. That’s rock bottom.
Dana Plato, a child actress who fell on hard times, ended up robbing a video store, prompting the clerk to call 911 and say, “I’ve just been robbed by the girl who played Kimberly on ‘Diff’rent Strokes’.” She eventually killed herself. That’s rock bottom.
Jamie Lee Curtis is doing commercials for yogurt. And not just any yogurt; the kind of yogurt that makes you poop! That’s rock bottom.
Charlie Sheen is having drunken orgies with porn stars (like the girl below), and still getting to work on time. That’s not rock bottom. That’s god damned impressive.
Like Charlie, I also spent the weekend in Vegas, where I too managed to scam passes to the AVN convention. But that’s where our stories diverge. Unlike Charlie, who spent the weekend drinking high-end vodka and banging high-end porn stars at the Palms, I spent the weekend drinking whatever swill the cocktail waitress at O’Shea’s would bring as I pretended to play the nickle slots. I also spent a lot of time trying not to catch crabs from my bar stool at some shithole North Vegas strip club.
The point is, my weekend only mimics Sheen’s by the slightest fraction, and I still barley made it to work on time. And I work from f*cking home! By all accounts, Sheen was on an epic bender through Monday and didn’t leave until Tuesday morning, his first day back to work. And yet he still managed to get to work on time and perform at a satisfactory level. Has our society devolved to the point where that sort of work ethic should be derided? Should a man who can both party like a champion and hold down a high paying job be made to feel ashamed? I say no!
“[Sheen] has the constitution of an ox,” and has “figured out a way of shutting down [the substance abuse] long enough so he can function normally when he has to.”
So, he’s sober at work and wasted the rest of the time. Big deal. It’s called being an adult. If being wasted during your free time is a crime, then half of this country is breaking the law (and the other half is at work). Clearly, people can relate to the man. After his run in with a porn star in a New York City hotel last year, the ratings for “Two and a Half Men” went up, and it was already the highest rated show on TV. Clearly, nobody can sit through that show sober, which explains why Sheen is able to connect with the millions of viewers who tune in every week.
I’m not saying Charlie doesn’t have a problem. He has many. First and foremost among them is probably maintaining an erection long enough to satisfy 3 girls while being sloshed. The other problem is people giving a shit about his penchant for booze and women. If Sheen starts missing work, fire him. If he breaks the law, throw him in jail. But if he continually gets drunk and bangs a bunch of skanks on his own time, that doesn’t make him a criminal. That makes him a god damn hero.