Have Insomnia? Let These Oscar Award Revisions Lull You Gently To Sleep

Thursday, June 28 by
In completely unrelated, but more interesting news, James Earl Jones' transformation into Paul Newman is almost complete.  

The letter-writing campaign to AMPAS worked! The Oscars now will admit TEN nominees in the category for Best Visual Effects! Further, we can “enjoy” these slight changes that will ever so gently tweak the perennial circle jerk that are the Academy Awards:

  • Foreign-language submissions needn’t be exhibited in 35mm in their country of origin! Pinch me! I’m dreaming!
  • A fourth songwriter on one track for Best Original Song category may be included in “rare and extraordinary circumstances.” I feel like I’m rolling on ecstasy!
  • Minorities and Republicans will not be allowed into the Dolby theater, but rather asked to watch the telecast across the street at the El Capitan Theater via a live closed circuit feed. Hmm. That just seems kind of racist and mean.
  • The Best Makeup Category will now be Best Makeup and Hairstyling. This news is so good I want to top it off with anonymous sex!
Now the bad news! We have to wait until February 24th to see this changes enacted at the next Academy Awards! I would honestly give up the last ten years of my life if those awards would just come a day sooner. I’m just going to sleep as much as I can until so that time may pass quickly.

 

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