Last night I got a surprise e-mail from none other than the man I call “Future El Guapo”. The Subject line? ‘Future Review of Transformers 7′ They’re still making Transformers movies? I had to read the e-mail immediately and find out what he, I mean I, had to say…
August 15th, 2017
Yo yo yo,
What’s up, man? Long time no talk. I know, I know, I haven’t written in a long time. I’ve been busy you know? The future isn’t all flutes and unicorns prancing beside naked chicks or whatever it is you idiots back there think the future would look like. By the way, I found our kid Lamont Suzuki (again don’t ask.)
****DISCLAIMER**** This review is for entertainment purposes only. Hey jerkoff, don’t copy my sweet moves in Gears of War 9 for the X-Octo 1080, you butthole. You made me lose Ardingie points. Now I have to redo the entire level.
When Chicago was destroyed waaay back in Transformers: Dark of the Moon (remember that disaster?) Sam decided he missed Mikaela and in Transformers 5: Witreckoning, Sam and Mikaeal reunited after the Decepticons captured her and injected Herpes Bots into her body to try and infect the entire human race. They failed.
With the Autobots fleeing to Neptune, The Queenbots and Decepticons had formed a pact to rule the planet. The Queenbots would watch over the humans and take care of the day-to-day operations. The lawns were always freshly mowed, parades were run in a timely manner, the sushi was tightly rolled, and the Jewtrons had kept the world’s finances in order. But the Decepticons were not to be trusted. The Decepticons turned on the Queenbots, who couldn’t defeat Megatrontania. The QueenBots were ordered to reenter their world of Culo as hard and as fast as they could. The Decepticons now ruled the planet Earth.
Director Tony Scott, who has taken over for Michael Bay after Michael decided to reboot his Bad Boys franchise with a now grown Jaden Smith, can’t handle the scope of a Transformers movie. Using the latest Oxnard 6000 HD-I-D 3D INDEE SPINDEE FUNDEE technology, he planted the cameras in the ground, giving the audience a dead man’s view of the action. And with his camera sweeping and incessant zoom in/zoom out habits, you’re left feeling like someone stuffed you in a dryer and turned it on for two hours.
Things pick up in the second act when word reached Neptune that the planet eating Oprahcron was headed to Earth. Optimus and his new bride Vaglock (Transformers can now reproduce) have distanced themselves from the rest of the Autobots. PaulWalkerMax, leader of the Brobot faction, instructed the other Autobots to “Totally help Earth before someone gets hurt.” but nobody would listen to him, laughing every time he talked about his ancient battles with VinDieselitawn, a Transformer who played Dungeons & Dragons with humans and liked to eat hot dogs.
Optimus, who now calls himself a Trans-Amformer, hears about the threat when one of the Queenbots goes to Neptune and tells him that they made a mistake and the Decepticons are by themselves on Earth, destroying the planet. Optimus is furious at such news. He rises up slowly, camera panning up his body, still panning, Optimus is still rising, panning, rising as the light from the moons of Neptune glisten off the metallic golden eagle on his chestplate, camera still panning, rising….holy shit, is he ever going to…still panning up…Optimus is still risi…ok, Optimus, now fully erect, finds the other Autobots and tells them they must return to Earth and destroy the Decepticons once and for all while the Queenbots take care of Oprahcron.
The 3rd act is a nightmare to try and follow, keeping up the tradition of previous Transformers movies. Robots are so closely packed I can’t tell if they’r fighting or screwing.
Human soldiers Tyrese and Josh Dumb-as-hell or whatever his name is, are still trying to shoot robots with machine guns. Tyrese, now with 50 million Flutter followers (Twitter was purchased by Flutter) Fluts his lines in the movie on his iPhone 10 instead of verbally speaking them. Audience members receive the Fluts on their phones while watching the movie.
The Queenbots attack Oprahcron by continuously jabbing her with their Robowangs. Oprahcron opens her mouth getting ready to swallow all of the Queenbots but they quickly enter her from behind and begin to destroy her from within. Oprahcron starts to explode, her eyes bulge as white hot liquid metal exits from all of her orifices.
In the end, the Decepticons are defeated and the Autobots regain control. The human race is saved. Or is it? After the credits, a shot of a giant mysterious Transformer is seen talking to a fleeing Megatrontonia. Who could it be? We’ll have to wait and see when Transformers 8: Putain De Bordel De Merde! opens in 2018.
Alright man, I’m out. Hope you and your readers dug this future review of Transformers 7: The Bright Side of Neptune. I’ll try and send you future reviews in the…well, in the future. Oh, before I go, be sure to wear a condom on December 4th, 2012. I love our kid but the little bastard just escaped again and I’m really wondering if I should go look for him or wait for that “Oh no, not Lamont.” reaction I’ll have when the police call.
You. I mean me.
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