Yesterday, in the wake of North Carolina’s (RAISE UP!) passing of Amendment One, which bans same-sex marriage and civil unions, Barack Obama cleared his throat and did what millions had been hoping he’d done a long time ago: he spoke out in favor of gay marriage.

Even among those in favor of gay marriage, this was a divisive move, as many called it a knee-jerk political play, and not a heartfelt appeal to America. Regardless, like urine in a swimming pool, it’s out there, and no one can do anything about it.

While it’s not the most decisive action Obama has taken, at least we can cross that one off the grammatically-challenged list of “Things That We Know Where Obama Stands On.” The guy that names the lists called in sick today.

So that leaves a whole slew of other things he needs to clearly state his position on. Abortion, soft money reform, whether or not Girls truly lacks diversity, and of course, Tyler Perry

A nation is split. And while the debate may not spill onto the front pages of the New York Times or Huffington Post, there’s a seething unrest that could very well undo this country as was done to Rome or the Soviet Union. We need leadership on the Tyler Perry issue. Obama is in a precarious position as a black president. I don’t want to make the TP issue about race, but it’s hard to avoid.

If Obama speaks out against Perry, it will be perceived as being on merit. Tyler Perry makes shitty movies that feature giant women in drag which are contributing to the death of this great nation. (I happen to hold this opinion, but this isn’t about me.) On the flipside, if Obama stands out in support of Tyler Perry, not because his films are good, but perhaps because he offers “clean” entertainment with a wholesome moral at the end of most films, there’s the chance that Obama will be seen as walking along race lines, refusing to see just how terrible Tyler Perry’s films are.

The converse would be true for a white president, although I could see George W. Bush REALLY enjoying the Madea character. Hallelujer!

To simplify things, I will create a list of reasons why Obama should speak out against Tyler Perry (Con) and a list of reasons why he should speak out in favor of Tyler Perry (Pro).

‘Cause everyone loves lists, right?

We’ll start with “Con” because I like to end on a positive note

1. In 2008, Tyler Perry was named in a steroid scandal alongside 50 Cent, Mary J. Blige, Timbaland, and Wyclef. Steroids are illegal, and going into an election, Obama needs to keep very clean company. That means no juicers. Also, judging from their appearances, it’s very likely, if this is true, that Tyler Perry and 50 Cent stole the steroids belonging to Mary J. bilge, Timbaland, and Wyclef Jean, so add larceny to the mix.

[caption id="attachment_248602" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption=""Yeah, I know Mary J. Blige. We have the same steroid dealer.""]


2. If Obama supports Tyler Perry, then get’s re-elected, Perry could take credit for the outcome, thusforcing the nation to call the President Tyler Perry’s Barack Obama.

3. If he won the president’s endorsement, Perry would probably celebrate by putting two more shows on TBS by week’s end. No one wants that.

4. Tyler Perry’s films are terrible, and no one should support him.

5. If Barack Obama doesn’t endorse Tyler Perry, Mitt Romney will.

And now the “Pro” reasons to support Tyler Perry

1. Tyler Perry reduces the cotton and wool industries dependence on government subsidies with his gigantic sweater vests.

2. He produced Precious, which I have heard is based on the novel Push by Sapphire.

3. Should Obama NOT come out in favor of Tyler Perry, there’s a very real possibility that Perry will sit on the President for the duration of his second term, hampering the possibility of an economic recovery.

4. The gross receipts of Perry’s films are over $500 million, which is difference between us leading and trailing China in GDP. Obama wouldn’t want to appear anti-business.

5. Obama ’12: Hallalujer! is pretty annoying, but kind of catchy.

Hopefully, after this article, I will never have to type the words “Tyler Perry” again.

But we all know that won’t happen.