Between this East Coast Earthquake and the impending Hurricane Irene, nature is trying to kill us, and we've got to go out there and house it before it f*cks up our sh*t. It is advised that you review the films below. What you learn might just save your life.

Note: Just moments ago, my life flashed before my eyes as the skyscraper where they pay me bounced like a Lowrider beneath me. "Have I lived a full life?," I thought as I raced down the evacuation stairwell. "Have I blogged enough?" In the end, I only ended up with tired legs. Still, now it's personal.

The Perfect Storm

Luckily, these are rare, but a Perfect Storm is what happens when an extratropical nor-easter envelopes a small hurricane and then transforms itself into a small hurricane within another extratropical storm. It then blacks out the sky and whips the sea around like Willow Smith's hair. It is perhaps nature's most powerfu weapon.


When a category 5 hurricane threatens the Gulf Coast of the United States, all of our favorite television stars of the 60's and 70's find themselves in jeopardy. If you want to survive a hurricane of this magnitude, the smartest thing to do is evacuate. Otherwise, board up your windows and head to storm shelter below ground. And don't go to any Hurricane parties being thrown by that guy from Gomer Pyle.


Tornadoes are destructive forces of nature that decimate all in their path -- cows, farmhouses, trucks, and even Cary Elwes. Nobody is safe. But you can survive a tornado by heading underground or by heroically shooting tornado research balls into the tornado leader. Extra points if you yell, "Suck on this!," while firing.

The Day After Tomorrow

This movie shows what can happen when different weather events team up to kill us all. Snowstorms, tsunamis, hail, tornadoes, hurricanes, super-storms, and wolves all team up to rid the planet of man. Once again, the best way to stay alive is to seek shelter. However, that will only get you so far as the frost somehow can actually chase you and flash-freeze you. Your best bet is to listen to the President and head south to Mexico. If you're going to get Apocalypsed, you may as well be drunk.

The Storm

Hey, Nature doesn't need any help taking back what rightfully belongs to it. So why scientists would try to build a weather creation system is beyond me. Luckily, we have James Van Der Beek on our side. Better luck next time, Mom Nature.

White Squall

In White Squall, Jeff Bridges plays a tough-but-fair doctor in charge of the privileged young men on a class sailing trip. He teaches his wards toughness and discipline, which are key traits you're going to need when facing a wind and lightning storm. So, if you find yourself out at sea and bad weather hits, be more like Jeff Bridges. You should actually do that on land too.

The Wizard of Oz

As we learned with Twister, tornadoes can impale and crush you at a moment's notice. But, when ridden correctly, they can transport you to a magical world where evil and death lurks behind every other corner. Seriously, if you encounter a tornado, just head to the basement. We'll get you a new dog.

Lawrence of Arabia

A sand storm is a meteorological phenomenon common in dry regions where dust is lifted by gust fronts and other strong winds. The particles then attack everything in sight like a massive swarm of angry bees. It gets in your eyes, ears, mouth, nose, hair, and butt, which just sounds like a terrible way to die. Especially if the sand blows at you with such force that it eats the tissue and muscle from your bones. I saw that happen in a movie once. I don't think that was Lawrence of Arabia, however.

Where the Heart Is

The only safe place to wait out a tornado is Wal-Mart. It's also a comfortable place to live and give birth. Head there immediately in the event of a storm or underage pregnancy.

Forces of Nature

As many of us know, hurricanes can really screw up travel plans. In fact, sometimes weather systems can team up to screw up our romantic lives. This happens when they stack up in such a way to create a complicated Domino Effect that causes a buttoned-up hero to travel with a free-spirit who he doesn't like much at first but eventually finds himself falling for on the eve of his wedding. The best way to avoid this is to travel by train.


If the Mayans were right, we need to begin preparations now. Hell, it might even be too late. At the very least, make yourself a Go Bag because you never know when the ground will swallow entire cities or a megatsunami (the worst kind) will kill the President by throwing the USS John F Kennedy into the White House. My advice is to head straight to the Drakensberg Mountains in South Africa right now. You'll want to beat the rush.