Deciphering ‘The Muppet Movie’ Cameos

Thursday, November 18 by

Everyday, the list of cameos in the upcoming Muppet movie seems to grow. And while there are plenty of rumors about who will play what, the truth is, no one really knows what’s going on. But fear not, Muppet fans. Using the awesome power of the Screen Junkies super computer (The SJ 3000), I was able to determine the most probable roles for those rumored to be appearing in the film, and you can’t argue with science. So sit back and see for yourself who will be playing what in the upcoming Muppet Movie.

In a traumatic flashback scene, Jean-Claude Van Damme will play the leader of an infamous Belgian pedophile ring that pays Nanny $30,000 USD to use the Muppet Babies in his films. Animal, go bi-bi! Go bi-bi, indeed.
Alan Arkin will play a kindly old man who is savagely beaten to death by Animal after inadvertently triggering the flashback scene described above.
It is rumored that Zach Galifianakis will play a hobo in the film. Our computer says it will be a hobo that everyone really likes, but who is starting to wear on people because he pops up everywhere.
Jack Black will play a ghost who is sent back to warn Zach Galifianakis’ character about the dangers of overexposure.
Kermit took issue with Lady Gaga‘s frog coat and decided to cast her in his own snuff film. Soon, he will lure her to his “private studio” deep in the swamp, where no one can hear the screams. It’s not easy, being reamed.
Chris Cooper plays a right-wing, Christian oil man who is so desperate to stay in the closet that he shoots Gonzo in the head to keep him from spilling the beans.
Danny Trejo will play a vicious enforcer sent to teach Bunsen and Beaker a lesson. The lesson being that if you’re going to make meth in this town, you better clear it with the Cártel de Tijuana.
After a successful lobbying effort via the Internet, Donald Glover landed the role of Fozzie, marking the first time the character will be played by a black man rather than a brown bear.
Rashida Jones will play the actress who only got a part in the new Muppet movie because her father, Quincy Jones, is good friends with Dr. Teeth.
Billy Crystal will play a devout Jew who, despite her strong advances, refuses to pork Ms. Piggy.
Amy Adams will play Rowlf the Dog’s love interest. There’s a “doggy style” joke in there somewhere, but I’ll let you make it.
Jane Lynch isn’t officially on board yet, but if she is cast, it will no doubt be in the role of Big Bird‘s long-lost mother.
George Clooney will play a smug actor who, after giving a crappy, self-referential cameo, goes home and bangs any woman he wants while you sit alone and watch on-line porn.
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