Creepier Serial Killer: Buffalo Bill Or John Doe?

Friday, March 4 by

We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. Both Silence of the Lambs and Se7en feature exceptional psychopaths, but which character made you more uneasy about the human condition.

Buffalo Bill

When it comes to cinematic serial killers, there’s no debate. Buffalo Bill is the most terrifying psychopath in movie history, or my name isn’t Jame Gumb. OK, fine. My name isn’t really Jame Gumb, but Buffalo Bill’s is. That’s gotta prove something.

Granted, John Doe is a creepy, creepy dude. He tortures and murders his victims via horribly sadistic yet oddly specific methods. He chops a pregnant woman’s head off and gives it to her husband (and getting himself murdered in the process) just to prove a point. But his creepiness isn’t even in the same league as Buffalo Bill.

Let’s look at the facts.

First: Buffalo Bill collects moths. That’s right; the bug. No, not butterflies. I’m talking about the butterfly’s ugly, useless, fabric-eating cousin. No one in their right mind wants moths in their home. People buy specific balls to keep moths out. But not Bill. He’s fascinated by them.

Next, Buffalo Bill owns a poodle A single man with a poodle is about an 8 on the ol’ creepy scale. Obviously, gay guys get a pass on the poodle issue. Speaking of gay guys, is Buffalo Bill gay? He’s fucked a few dudes in his day, that’s for sure. Also, he killed the man who stole one of his male lovers by cutting off all his skin. That’s pretty creepy.

But Bill’s not really a homosexual. He’s not even a tranny. He’s a deranged wannabe tranny. What’s a deranged wannabe tranny? It’s a guy who wants to cut off his junk, but is too mentally disturbed to qualify for the sexual reassignment surgery. That’s pretty god damn crazy.

So, Bill is a moth-loving, poodle owning single guy who wants to carve himself a man-gina. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. When he’s denied sexual reassignment surgery, he decides the best course of action would be to make his own lady-skin suit out of fat girls. That’s a solid plan. I guess Bill should just go kill some fat girls and steal their skin, right? Wrong. If you want to make a skin suit, it’s important to loosen the skin before you cut it off. In order to do this, Bill has to capture fat girls, hold them against their will in a pit he dug in his basement, and slowly starve them for months before finally killing them and removing their flesh. Ya feel me? This guy is one creepy fuck.

So, that’s not enough? Well, Bill loves to dance. Specifically, he likes to shove his cock between is legs and dance around while wearing nothing but women’s makeup and a cape. He then flutters the cape, mimicking the wings of his beloved moths. Still not enough? Fine. He killed his grandparents when he was 12. He has a swastika blanket. Honestly; what more do you want, people?

At the end of the day, what makes Bill more terrifying than John Doe is the way he picks his victims, and his motive for killing them. John Doe, as crazy as he is, is murdering people he feels are sinners, and is doing so to prove a point. It’s a crazy man’s point, but you can at least wrap your head around his logic.  Buffalo Bill, on the other hand, is kidnapping, torturing, and killing innocent fat girls in order to take their skin and make himself into a lady. That’s sheer fucking lunacy, and it makes Bill far more terrifying.

John Doe

There is no doubt in my mind that Buffalo Bill is insane. He made a suit out of the skin of fat girls. People with brains that work correctly don’t engage in such hobbies. The dancing with the penis tucked between his legs. Ehhhhhhh, we’ve all tried it. Just maybe to a different song. But I digress. John Doe, played by Kevin Spacey in Se7en, is more disturbing than Buffalo Bill by leaps and bounds. His cold, calculating nature would send shivers up even Manson’s spine. Charles and Marilyn.

Doe has been psychotic for longer than anyone can tell or remember. He’s made sure of this by erasing all traces of his existence. His legal name is John Doe. The guy cuts off his fingertips! Do you know how much trouble one would have to go to maintain that kind of lifestyle? The only way you can delve into his history or the fucked up thoughts that constantly run through his mind is by reading the hundreds and hundreds of journals he stores in his dimly lit apartment. And no sick observance is too mundane to not make the cut. He writes about the time he laughed about puking on a guys shoes on the subway. I don’t know about you, but when that happens I don’t record it for later reflection.

The plan to murder his victims based on each sin in the Bible is utterly disturbing in its brilliance and elaborateness. I need only to go through them to prove Doe’s absolutely incomprehensible behavior. After all, it’s the things we don’t understand that frighten us the most.

“Gluttony” – He forces an insanely obese man to eat until he literally bursts. He also throws a couple scraps of metal in his meal just so the detectives can find his markings behind the fridge. Hell of a way to kick off a murder spree.

“Greed” – He makes a lawyer commit hari kari. When it comes to attorneys, we’ve all had this impulse, but we don’t act on it. Then the detectives discover fingerprints behind the lawyer’s artwork that lead them to…

“Sloth” – Doe’s been keeping a man alive for a year! He looks like a rotted out corpse, yet he still has a pulse, and oh, has eaten his tongue for sustenance. Also, he’s surrounded by jars of piss.

“Lust” – A knife strap-on dildo is used to kill a prostitute. Knife. Strap-on. Dildo. And this thing was custom made. You know how sometimes mom’s get quilts constructed from their kid’s old t-shirts? It’s like that, except it’s a knife dick. NOT FOR SANE PEOPLE.

“Pride” – He cuts off a woman’s nose and glues a phone to one hand and a pill bottle to the other. Pretty effective way of making his point. I would have just yelled “Stuck up bitch!” at her from the sidewalk.

“Envy” and “Wrath” – In order to complete his masterpiece, Doe actually turns himself in to the police, specifically Detective Mills. Because he envies Mills’s life, he cut off the head of his pregnant wife and had it shipped to him in the middle of nowhere. Doe knew this would upset Mills more than a little, and planned on Mills becoming wrath and shooting him dead. And that’s exactly how it went down. It was all a game for Doe, and like any superb player, he knew how it was going to end before it even began.

In conclusion, Buffalo Bill has a fondness for moths, poodles, and fat chicks. I had a guy in my Freshman Biology class who fit the same profile, but he didn’t exactly make my blood curdle. John Doe turned the world into his own personal board game. And had a knife dildo custom made.

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COMMENTS

  1. March 4, 2011 4:48 pm

    Guest m

    Whose more fucked up? Buffalo Bill. Who makes me more un-easy; John Doe. It’s a draw guys.


  2. March 4, 2011 4:48 pm

    Yanqui Turco

    Hannibal Lecter would take off on your rundown of Buffalo Bill: he is not a torturer. As Lecter says, “it’s incidental”.