Crappier Xmas Present: Mogwai or Chucky Doll?

Friday, December 17 by

We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment industry and we like to make our beefs public. The givers in Gremlins and Child’s Play had no idea a mogwai and Chucky Doll would turn into such crappy Christmas gifts, but which would be worse to find under the tree? Fight!

Mogwai

Mogwai are crappier Christmas presents because they are cute. Oh that doesn’t make sense? Ever heard of the word “deceiving,” buddy? Then you obviously haven’t met Ashley Weis. …That skanky heartbreaker. You think you’re getting an adorable bundle of joy that snuggles up next to at night and sings along while you play your Casio keyboard, and then BAM! F*ckin’ gremlins. I’m talking about Gizmo now, not Ashley. Although I wouldn’t be surprised if she spawned Gremlins or was one herself.

But we’ll get back to the gremlins. Let’s start with the rules of care that come along with mogwai. Ugh. Rules. What makes a present less fun than rules? And these aren’t your generic “don’t stick your finger in the spinning parts, dummy” rules. We’re talking totally obscure, follow these to the T or you’ll be sorry as shit rules. First up, you can’t get a mogwai wet. Well great! Now I can’t take a bath with my present? How else am I supposed to experiment with its durability? There is no better litmus test than a bath. For anything. And let’s say we forget about me having something to play with in the tub besides my peepee. How am I supposed to keep this thing from smelling like a skunk f*cked a gym sock? It’s going to turn into one giant dreadlock with eyes. If I can’t get it wet, I don’t want any part of it.

Second rule: Keep mogwai away from bright lights, especially sunlight. So now I’m changing my entire way of life for this thing. I’ll just start sleeping in a coffin and exsanguinating teenage transients too. I mean what kind of gift doesn’t allow you to take it out into blessed sunlight to enjoy it? My skin is going to turn a sickly albino white and then Ashley Weis won’t ever take me back, not that I would even accept her inevitable apology. Daylight also provides our bodies with Vitamin D, which is clinically proven to prevent against some types of cancer. So now my mogwai has possibly given me cancer. Great gift, Dad. A bottle of Percocet and a funnel would have been more humane.

Final rule: You can’t feed mogwai after midnight. Chumming it up with my gift over a Taco Bell fourth meal just became a pipe dream. Most of my food consumption happens after midnight, and I just know, I KNOW that whiny little rodent is going to see me woofing down a Chulupa and want a taste. And being the kind-hearted soul that I am I’m going to give him one because by that point I’ll be too high to remember that I shouldn’t.

And this leads us back to the main event: GREMLINS. I just fed my ten mogwai (because of course I already took a bath with the first one) half of my Chalupa and now I have a gaggle of ferocious, reptilian monsters running around my house and messing up my mom’s kitchen. Oh and look, they just broke out of the house and now they’re destroying the whole town. Everyone is dead, including my dad, so I’m really the only person to blame, which doesn’t really matter because I’m dead too. Hey gross old Chinese man, don’t sell your mogwai to stupid middle-aged men! You’re dead now, dummy!

Chucky Doll

Your senseless mogwai bashing would make David Duke proud. At least Mel Gibson was drunk when he went on his bigoted tirades. At least Michael Richards’ meltdown was a reaction to being heckled during a live performance. But you, in a calm collected manner and with minimal time constraints, decided to sit down and paint all mogwai with the same stereotypical brush. For shame.

First of all, mogwai are not all deceiving or conniving, as you claim. For example, Gizmo, who you senselessly bashed, is a gentle, loving creature, not to mention a goddamn hero. Have you ever heard the expression “don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater?” Look it up before you decide to run your mouth about an entire race of creatures you know nothing about.

As for your nonsensical argument about the rules of owning a mogwai, I don’t even know where to begin. As with any pet, mogwai must be kept in certain conditions for their safety and the safety of others. If a pit bull was allowed to roam free and ended up mauling a child, you wouldn’t blame the dog. You’d blame the owner who didn’t keep it on a leash. You wouldn’t keep a python in a room with a baby, just like you wouldn’t keep a cat in the refrigerator. Are these “rules” too hard to follow? mogwai are no different. Keep it dry, properly fed and dimly lit, and you will have no problems. If a mogwai turns into a Gremlin, the responsibility is squarely on the owner.

It’s easy to sit there and bash mogwai, but that’s not what this argument is about. It’s about comparing mogwai to Chucky Dolls. I find it amusing that you didn’t even mention Chucky once in your entire rant. How convenient.

Even if all of your mogwai bashing was justified, which it isn’t, the creature would still be a superior gift to that of a Chucky “Good Guy” Doll for one simple reason: there is absolutely no upside to owning a doll that is possessed by the soul of a psychopath. None, whatsoever. Best case scenario; the doll attempts to kill people and is unsuccessful. Worst case scenario; the doll kills dozens and takes control of your body via voodoo curse. Do the words voodoo curse even mean anything to you? Why the hell would you even consider taking that demented looking thing into your house? At least with the mogwai there is the possibility of years of enjoyment, provided you follow the rules. With Chucky, all that’s guaranteed is attempted murder.

I’ll ask Santa to bring me a mogwai, and you ask Santa to bring you the ability to be less of a bigot.

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COMMENTS

  1. December 17, 2010 4:25 pm

    Bobbx542

    First of all, the Chucky doll is clearly the worse gift, mainly due to the reason stated in the counter arguement…”a doll that is possessed by the soul of a psychopath”. This thing will purposely try to end your life. The Mogwai is nothing but a cute creature. A cute creature that has rational and complex thought patterns. It’s essentially a person. As for all the nonsense you stated about the rules, look, if you’re that concerned with the thing getting dirty and smelly, all you have to do is simply wash it, and when the extra Mogwais pop off of its back, just put them in an terrarium, and then put it out in the sun. End of problem, and you now have a clean mogwai. Keeping it out of bright light/sunlight, well I think you won’t be the only one trying to make that happen. The Mogwai will have a natural self preservation, and will probably not want to be in bright light. Apparently they are happy as hell to sit and watch TV, so if you have to go out, I think that Gizmo has it covered. As for not feeding it after midnight, well, that might be tricky. I have always had a problem with this rule myself, because which Midnight are we talking about?? The midnight in its homeland China?? Or, is there a natural circadian rythm that comes into play with the creatures that then affects when they perceive midnight. I think the best way to tell would be to get the mogwai wet, save the offspring, and then test them one by one to see when it is safe to feed them. If you feed it and it turns into a gremlin, revert to the terrarium in the sun idea to dispose of it. Honestly, a little trial and error, and you have yourself one hell of a pet/friend on your hands.