Chet Hanks and the Most Embarrassing Children In Hollywood
As we reported yesterday, Tom Hanks has a son (besides Colin), and he likes to rap. Meet Chet Hanks (a.k.a. Chet Haze), the most embarrassing thing to happen to Tom since That Thing You Do.
From an early age, it was clear that Chet was a black sheep, so his parents sent him far, far away to an exclusive private school in the Midwest. But the Internet has rendered distance and location meaningless, and it’s nearly impossible to prevent even the dullest of bulbs from shining their untalented light on the world (for example, look around this site). Yesterday, it was Chet’s turn to shine, when his college-themed rap single, “White and Purple,” blew up the Internet.
Being a man of action (a douchey tattoo on his right arm reads, “fortune favors the bold”), Chet quickly sought to cash in on the attention, and tweeted out a second song, "West Side L.A.," the lyrics of which clearly demonstrate his ability to read a map. I haven't been this impressed since I discovered a little band called the Imperial Stars.
Clearly, Chet is embarrassing the living hell out of his old man, but he’s new on the scene. If he hopes to be the most embarrassing child in Hollywood, he’s got some stiff competition. Here are 7 contenders for the title (including Chet).
Chet Hanks - Son of Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson
Just to recap, this kid raps (and by 'raps,” I mean “talks" over remixes and samples) about going to a private school and living on the mean streets of West L.A. (West Hollywood, I assume). He has a Latin tattoo on his arm. And last night, he tweeted the following: "much love to both the fans and the haters for helping me pop off." That’s right; Chet Hanks thinks of all the haters while he masturbates. Well played, ass hat. You’re making your brother Colin look legitimate.
Captain Miller deserves better than this.
Melissa Rivers - Daughter of Joan Rivers
It’s not as if Joan Rivers' career is flying high. Yeah, she makes the rounds on reality TV, but who doesn’t? I’ve been on “Tool Academy” twice.
Her daughter Melissa turns up on a lot of reality shows, as well. Unfortunately, she’s usually accompanied by her mother. If the only way for someone to get on "Celebrity Apprentice" is to bring their decrepit mother along, that’s got to be embarrassing for the parent.
Cameron Douglas - Son of Michael Douglas
It’s not uncommon for the children of celebrities to end up on drugs. After all, they don’t call it a life of privilege because they’re out digging ditches. Having millions of dollars at your disposal just lends itself to getting coked up. But even a rich, coked up jackass should have enough sense to know that when you already have millions of dollars at your disposal, there’s really no need to deal. Poor people deal drugs and risk going to jail so they can get rich. If you’re already rich, it’s all downside. I guess Cameron Douglas didn’t get the memo.
Last spring, Cameron was sentenced to five-years for dealing large amounts of coke and meth. Even his father couldn’t argue with the sentence, calling it “adequate,” and adding that it may have saved his drug-addicted son’s life. So while watching his son get sent to the pokey was certainly an embarrassment, maybe it’s all for the best (prison rape, notwithstanding).
Jake Busey - Son of Gary Busey
Jake Busey must be a major disappointment to his father, Gary. It’s not because of anything Jake has done. Rather, it’s what he hasn’t done, which is go completely batshit insane. A father always wants his son to follow in his footsteps, and I’m sure Gary is let down by the fact that Jake isn't out their spouting Busey-isms ("Freedom: Facing Real Exciting Energy Developing Out of Miracles”) or playing evil organ-harvesting Jew doctors. Try harder, Jake.
Kim Kardashian - Daughter of Robert Kardashian
This is more of an honorable mention, since the parent in question is deceased. Even so, wherever Robert Kardashian resides these days (I have a general idea where that is), I hope he’s able to see his daughters.
For those of you who don’t remember, Robert Kardashian was a high-profile lawyer who helped his close friend O.J. Simpson get off the hook for killing two people. Unfortunately, he passed away in 2003, four years before a video of his daughter Kim getting railed by a low-life rapper named Ray-J was released to the public. It’s a shame he wasn’t around to see that. I'm sure he would have been proud.
I would have mentioned his wife Kris on this list, but she is clearly incapable of feeling shame or embarrassment.
David Banda Mwale Ciccone Ritchie - Son of Madonna
When Madonna adopted an African baby, it catapulted her right back into the spotlight. Take that, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie!
But now, five years later, he’s not an African baby any more. He’s just a black kid, and that’s not enough to get you on the cover of People. Madonna better hope this kid turns out to be gay real soon, or else this whole adoption was a huge waste of time. How embarrassing.
Montana Fishburne - Daughter of Laurence Fishburne
When all is said and done, Montana Fishburne is probably the most embarrassing entry on this list. Last year, Montana (a.k.a. by her stage name, Chippie D.) embarrassed the living shit out of her father, actor Laurence Fishburne, by appearing in a sex vid.
Celebrity sex vids are nothing new, but they usually come to light after being stolen (or in some cases, intentionally leaked). This gives the celebrity the opportunity to feign outrage and act like a victim, while at the same time demanding a cut of the profits. What makes Montana’s video unique is the fact that it was not stolen or leaked, but rather produced. In an attempt to kick-start her career, she decided to cut out the middle man and go straight to the source: Vivid Video. At the age of 18, Montana became a full-fledged pornographer. Throw in a previous arrest for prostitution, and it’s easy to see why her father wishes he could take the red pill...or maybe just a whole bottle of sleeping pills.
Fun fact: Montana Fishburne credits Kim Kardashian with inspiring her to become a prostitute. Of course she does.