Celebrity New Year’s Resolutions for 2011

Thursday, December 30 by

Another year has come and gone, and yet we’ve accomplished nothing with our pathetic little lives. Then again, how can any mere mortals expect to grow while living in the shadow of Hollywood celebrities. Year after year, their amazing exploits cause me great joy. But at the same time, the fact that I will never know such fame and fortune brings great sadness.

How did these Hollywood types get to be so great? I’ll tell you how. Unlike me, who wanders through life like a moron, they set goals and they stick to them. And with New Year’s Eve only a day away, we thought we’d ask the stars about their resolutions for 2011. Surprisingly, despite our last-minute request and total lack of clout, they all agreed to participate. Enjoy.

Brett Ratner - In 2011, I’m finally going to get around to reading some X-Men comics. My assistant says the characters have some really interesting back stories.

Ben Affleck – This year, I’m expanding my horizons. No more movies set in Boston. I hear Worcester is nice.

Charlie Sheen - My resolution is to make 2011 the year Charlie Sheen goes back to doing comedy.

Mel Gibson – Make less phone calls, get more blow jobs. Also, work on the rose garden.

Jerry Seinfeld - I want to make $75 million dollars without doing much of anything. Oh wait, I did that in 2010. I’m such a lucky asshole.

Natalie Portman – My goal is to give birth to a child, thereby beginning my body’s slow but inevitable fall to Carrie Fisher level frumpy-ness.

Wesley Snipes – This year, I’m getting my taxes done early.

Ryan Reynolds – Hopefully I’ll luck out and meet a girl with a perfect set of tits.

Larry King – I’m finally going to have sex with my boyhood friend, Sandy Koufax, and then die.

Ryan Seacrest - Kill Dick Clark. Kill Oprah. Gain total control over the media. Suppress all gay rumors.

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