We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. Dan Marino appeared in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective and Brett Favre appeared in There's Something About Mary, but which player did the most with the little on-screen time given to them? Fight!

Dan Marino

Marino brought a gravitas to his appearance in Ace Ventura that Brett Favre couldn’t even begin to understand. Seriously, ask Brett Favre what “gravitas” is. He’ll probably drool on you. I’m genuinely surprised that Favre could even say the dialogue correctly in There’s Something About Mary. I’d love to cue up that outtake reel. You could probably wrap it around his giant head twice. Marino has class, poise, and utter commitment to his role. Hell, he was probably excited as hell to do it, and not just because it was a Jim Carrey movie. Back then there wasn’t even such a thing. It was just a movie starring the white guy from “In Living Color.” But Marino was more than happy to insert himself in a gripping tale of a kidnapped porpoise.

When Marino pops up on screen, you’re instantly captivated. “Shit, is that Dan Marino selling Isotoner gloves? I know this is a fake commercial but I really want a pair now.” I’m certain O.J. thought that very thing. Why else would he use them in the “alleged” murder of his wife Nicole? I’m not saying that Marino is a soothsayer, but he is. And then in the middle of his commercial shoot, two massive guys carry Marino away. I swear it almost takes a third. He’s fightin’. The dismay and panic in his baby blue eyes say it all. You look into Favre’s eyes and there’s nothing. NOTHING. Except maybe a working list of girls he assumes want to see him diddle himself.

Marino is a real trooper for agreeing to be tied to a chair for an inordinate amount of time. After all, the kidnapping has to look authentic. The shoot could have taken hours. The man needs blood to get to his throwing arm! But when it gets down to it, none of this even matters when you consider Marino’s crucial involvement in the film’s conclusion. He solves the entire damn case for Ace! He spots those absolutely horrifying hemorrhoids in Einhorn’s panties. Need I say more? Without Marino’s keen eye, Finkle would have gotten away scot-free. Favre just got dissed by Cameron Diaz. Ooooof. That’s enough to make anyone want to hole up in their room and jerk off in a pair of Crocs.

Brett Favre

If you’re arguing Dan Marino vs. Brett Favre in terms of a better player, I’ll take Marino any day of the week. True, Marino never got a ring, but even so, I think he’s the superior QB. Favre might hold more records, but that tends to happen when you hang around the NFL well past your prime. Marino knew how to go out with some dignity, rather than wearing out his welcome and making a fool out of himself by texting pictures of his dick. Favre could have learned a thing or two from watching Dan.

That being said, when it comes to movie cameos, Favre has the better role. Ace Ventura is a hilarious film, and Marino plays a major part. I can’t even look at him without thinking “Laces out.” But comparing Ace Ventura to There's Something About Mary is like comparing the Arena League to the NFL. TSAM is a classic, and Brett Favre’s cameo is the punchline to one of the funnier jokes in the film.

For those of you who don’t remember, There’s Something About Mary tells the story of a beautiful woman (Mary) and a group of deranged suitors who are competing to win her heart. Through out the film, Mary makes references to her old boyfriend, Brett, who broke her heart. As the film progresses, it is revealed that one of Mary’s other suitors framed Brett in order to end the relationship. Toward the end of the film, another suitor discovers the duplicity, and attempts to reunite the couple. It is only at the very end of the film that we realize that Brett is actually Brett Favre.

The cameo itself is very brief. I’d be surprised if Favre gets even five minutes of screen time. But it is the hilarious punchline to a joke that was 90 minutes in the making. This is perfect, especially from a non-actor. Favre can’t act his way out of a paper bag, but he doesn’t have to. His role is short and sweet. This stands in sharp contrast to Marino, who isn’t exactly Marlon Brando. He plays a much larger role in Ace Ventura, and it’s asking too much of him.

In short, Favre’s role is everything a cameo should be. It’s short, it’s hilarious, and it cleverly fits into the plot. Marino has a subpar part in a mediocre film.