Better Fictional Sport: Quidditch Or Pod Racing?

Friday, January 28 by

We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. Quidditch and pod racing would both make kick-ass sports if the physics governing our planet allowed them to be played as they are in their respective films, but which team would you sign up for first? Fight!

Quidditch

If Quidditch could be played like it’s played in the Harry Potter movies it would be bigger in the U.S. than football and bigger in the world than football (soccer). The sport itself and the rules are more engaging than pod racing. Why watch a bunch of machines do circles when you could witness a hardcore battle play out in front of your eyes? There are goals, quaffles, snitches, bludgers – so many elements that contribute to an edge of your seat experience. Pod racing has pods. Yay… Also, each team in Quidditch is made up of seven players – three chasers, two beaters, one keeper, and one seeker. Pod racing has drivers. So the requirement to play is a driver’s license. I’ll sign my senile grandmother up. The government doesn’t feel she’s a hazard on the road so why should your league’s commission.

Since we’re on the subject of players, the athletes who excel at Quidditch require a very important attribute. TALENT. They need all the minor skills of your pod racers, but in addition to those, they need agility, stamina, flexibility, strength, and superior reflexes. Your racers could be fat-asses who know how to press a gas peddle and turn a wheel. When you think of a world-class athlete do you think of Adrian Peterson or Jeff Gordon? There’s no doubt that they’re both the best at what they do, but Peterson is the best at a more demanding sport. Toddlers and retarded, annoying as shit aliens are allowed to participate in pod racing. Anything, and I mean ANYTHING, that lets a Jar Jar Binks even get within shouting distance of it does not deserve recognition as a serious and respectable endeavor.

Let’s talk about flying for a minute, because I think we can both agree that flying is awesome. Your pods do hover, oh yes they do, but my brooms travel to glorious heights in the atmosphere. Your pods may be faster than my brooms, but my brooms are fast enough and have the advantage of full mobility. The can zing, they can zig, they can turn on a dime. When you’re chasing down a snitch it’s a necessity. Your cumbersome hunks of metal know only how to negotiate wide turns. They do it with much speed, but just try and pull off a 180 like a quidditch broom can. You’ll end up in a medically induced coma with Jar Jar providing the daily sponge baths.

Finally, people on earth, right now, in real life are actually playing quidditch. It’s Muggle Quidditch, but it’s quidditch nonetheless. I’m sure you’ll attack their character, because that’s easier than making a valid counterpoint, but regardless of how society views them, quidditch brings people together. I need only to lead you to the Quidditch Wikipedia page to prove that currently over a dozen countries play the sport. There isn’t flying, but there is camaraderie, teamwork, boosted self-esteems, and a sense of fulfillment. The world has already spoken. Quidditch just needs to be improved with the help of science and/or magic, whichever we can master first. An interest in bringing pod racing to life is severely lacking among non-Hutts.

Pod Racing

What’s more pathetic than arguing about sports? The answer is arguing about sports that only exist in the world of make believe. Despite the stupidity of the topic, I feel I’m more than qualified to speak on the matter. I’m not proud of that fact, but I won’t run from it. So let’s get started.

If you’re a prepubescent little bitch with a bad haircut and magical powers, then Quidditch is the sport for you. After all, you probably enjoy having a large piece of wood planted firmly between your ass cheeks as you swat at balls. For the rest of us, there’s pod racing.

Distill any sport to its purest form, and you have a race. What started out as footraces gradually evolved into other sports. Baseball, football, soccer, and even Quidditch are nothing more than a race. Sure, the rules and goals are different, but it all comes down to who can do the most in the shortest amount of time. As technology evolved, so did our methods of racing. From horses, to bicycles, to automobiles, mankind used its technological prowess to go faster and further. But at the end of the day, it’s all just a race. Although it technically takes place in the past, pod racing is the culmination of the sport.

What can be better? You have one racer, in a machine he designed and built (or commissioned) racing against other brave individuals who aren’t afraid to laugh death in the face. Make no mistake, it’s an extremely dangerous sport. But that’s what makes it exciting. The pilot is racing at a ridiculous rate of speed while trying to outwit his fellow racers. He must overcome not only natural obstacles that stand in his way, but also the underhanded tricks of his less scrupulous opponents. Did you really expect a sport controlled by the Hutts to be completely honest? But that’s all part of the charm. And don’t even pretend Quidditch is on the up-and-up. Any sport where spectators can determine the outcome with magic spells is rigged from the start. At least you know when Sand People are shooting at you. You can’t say the same for some asshole wizard with a vendetta.

Another factor to consider is that there are no teams in pod racing. It’s everyone for themselves. Notice I didn’t say every “man” for themselves. That’s because pod racing is open to all, even aliens. It doesn’t matter if you’re a seasoned veteran, or a 5-year-old slave. As long as you can build a pod and put up the entry fee, you’re in. This stands in stark contrast to Quidditch, which is open only to those who are born with “special” gifts. “Muggles” need not apply. It’s basically no different than the days when professional sports wouldn’t allow blacks to play. Pod racing is egalitarian in nature, while Quidditch is the pastime of a group of elitists who are obsessed with heredity.

At the end of the day, pod racing embodies everything a sport is supposed to be. It seeks to reward the best of the best, regardless of background. Quidditch, on the other hand, is nothing more than masturbation, heaping contempt on individuals in the name of conformity, and maintaining the status quo with its outdated and bigoted infatuation with bloodlines.

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