Better Drinking Buddy: Sheen or Sutherland?

Friday, January 14 by

We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. Would you rather spend a night out on the town with Charlie Sheen or Kiefer Sutherland? Staying in is not an option. Fight!

Kiefer Sutherland

This debate is really about choosing the lesser of two evils. When alcohol is involved you never know which way shit is going to fly, only that it’s going to fly. If I had to choose between the two men who are widely know to get shitfaced on a regular basis, I’d have to go with Kiefer Sutherland a.k.a. Jack Bauer.

First of all, Kiefer is Jack Bauer. Do you know how much respect that gets him at pubs? All beverages consumed that night would be free. And I don’t mean Kiefer would pay for them, I mean barkeeps would hand over full bottles of top shelf liquor to the man who can fight terrorists for 24 hours straight without stopping to taking a crap. Have you ever seen him crap on that show? No, because Kiefer doesn’t let anything go to waste. He runs at 100% efficiency. I’m surprised the guy even gets drunk. You’d think his body would punch the alcohol content of tequila in the face. You’re not getting THIS guy wasted, Jose. He’s got a country to save.

If trouble is going to find me when I’m drinking, I want Kiefer there to protect my ass. He seems like a loyal pit bull. He’ll start shit with anyone who starts shit with his friends. And he’ll immediately take it up to level 10. That would ward off any of the smart-ass college punks with liquid courage who want to hassle the movie star. Kiefer will knock their teeth into their colon and then bang their sophomore girlfriend on the care package their mommy sent you. I’ll be there watching, nibbling on the oatmeal chocolate chip cookies I managed to shimmy out from under her ass.

Got a problem with trees? Kiefer has you covered:

He won’t allow trees or shrubbery of any kind to ruin your night out. Anyone can trash a hotel room with a porn star. It takes a real man to tackle a tree, especially under the guise of a pirate. With Kiefer, it’s all about having a good time. Some of those good times lead to arrests and convictions, but the police report should state that the night started with good intentions.

As far as I know, Kiefer doesn’t do a lot of blow. And if he does I’m going to ignore that info because it’s damaging to my case. It’s the booze mixed with the booger sugar that sends Sheen into a naked, screaming tailspin. Nope, Kiefer sticks with firewater, so if the authorities do pick us up no one’s going to be hiding anyone else’s powdered felony. We’ll spend the night in the tank and then Kiefer’s business manager will bail us out. He’ll pull some strings, and while we’ll end up in a TMZ promo, we won’t end up in court.

Finally, there’s a good chance that by 3AM we could find ourselves taking a dump on Julie Roberts’s porch. Kiefer still hasn’t gotten over their broken engagement. And if we’ve been drinking SoCo, the gardener is going to have a helluva time in the morning.

Charlie Sheen

I’m not going to lie; drinking with either Charlie Sheen or Kiefer Sutherland would be awesome. Hell, drinking with anyone would be awesome. I’m literally alone at a bar right now.

But the fact of the matter is this: drinking with either of those dudes is suicide. As much as I like to hit the bottle, those two are light years beyond me. And since any attempt to keep up with them would surely end in my own demise, I have to take that into consideration.

So with that in mind, the clear winner in this debate is Charlie Sheen. Why? Because while drinking with Kiefer would be ridiculously awesome, Charlie Sheen brings an unlimited supply of hot-female ass to the table. And if I’m going to die, that’s how I want to go out. To quote Animal Mother from Full Metal Jacket, If I’m gonna get my balls blown off for a word, my word is “pointing.”

Charlie Sheen is a world renowned womanizer. He married Denise Richards well before it was “complicated.” You know, back when she was introducing lesbian scenes to mainstream films. And well before that, he was a known client of the notorious Hollywood Madame, Heidi Fleiss. The dude loves whores, and you better believe that a night of drinking with Charlie will end up with a boat load of them. There’s a quote attributed Sheen in regard to escorts. Supposedly, when asked by a judge why he has to pay a woman for sex, Charlie responded, “I don’t pay them for sex, I pay them to leave.” The quote is from the internet, so it must be true.

Of course, maybe there would be no need for whores. After all, Charlie is known for hanging out at the Playboy Mansion. And last weekend, when Charlie went MIA, he was reportedly partying in Vegas with a bunch of porn stars who were in town for the AVN awards. For those of you who still have souls, the AVN awards are basically the Oscars of porn. Google the name Bree Olson (the girl Charlie was partying with) and tell me you wouldn’t want to go drinking with this guy.

And then there’s the matter of Kiefer. While I totally admit that drinking with Jack Bauer would be cool as hell, Sutherland is a wildcard. It might be a great time, where you both end up getting blitzed and fighting Christmas trees. Or maybe it’d turn ugly, and you’d end up in a knife fight with some Cholos in Korea Town. Why are the Cholos in Korea Town? Like I said, Kiefer’s a wild card, so you never know what you’re going to get. I’m not trying to say Kiefer couldn’t easily bring a bunch of pussy to the table. But I could just as easily see him getting bored with girls and deciding it was time to sneak into the zoo and fight a polar bear.

My point is, Charlie Sheen is a one-way ticket to titties, where as Kiefer, while fun, is completely unpredictable. When it comes to guaranteed pussy vs. possible decapitation, I’ll take the pussy any day of the week.

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  1. January 14, 2011 4:16 pm

    Brian Huntington

    I’ve seen Kiefer at a bar. He was by himself just staring down at his drink. I have it on good authority that he’s like that every night. Sad Kiefer.

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