Better Baseball Movie Pitcher: Wild Thing Or Henry Rowengartner?

Friday, April 1 by

We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. The baseball season is upon us, so we found it apt to pit two amazing fictitious pitchers against one another. Does the rambunctious Wild Thing from Major League or the endearing Henry from Rookie of the Year deliver more both on the field and off?

Wild Thing

Let’s say you were having surgery, and you had to choose between two doctors. One is extremely skilled, if a bit of a hot head. The other is a fucking 12-year-old who became super smart after banging his head on a pipe. In that situation, who would you want cutting you open? If you picked the 12-year old, you’re an idiot, and possibly a pedophile.

Baseball isn’t as important as medicine, but the same principle applies. When putting together a team, do you want players with real talent, or do you want some underage freak show who has learned to perform a trick? If you said talent, The Wild Thing (Rick Vaughn) is your man.

Unlike Henry form Rookie of the Year, Wild Thing’s talent doesn’t stem from a bizarre accident. No, Vaughn is the real deal. His fastball is unstoppable. Sure, he had some control issues early on, but once he got his glasses, that all faded to the background. And because his skill is real, it’s not going to “disappear” if he happens to trip and fall on his way to the mound. That being said, Vaughn’s not going to trip and fall anyway, cause he’s not a lanky, dip-shit little kid.

Sure, Vaughn spent some time in prison. And yes, he inadvertently nailed another player’s wife. But shit happens. It’s called experience. You make mistakes, you learn from them, and you move on. That’s how life works. It builds character, character is what you need to survive in the big leagues. When push comes to shove, Vaughn doesn’t have to rely on trick plays. All he as to do is “strike (the) mother fucker out.”

Another fact I’ll touch on, but not dwell on, is that Wild Thing is played by Charlie Sheen. In case you haven’t heard, Sheen has tiger’s blood, and is actively high on a performance enhancing drug called Charlie Sheen. However, that particular drug has not been banned by MLB. And the fact that Sheen is the only one who can take the drug without dying only adds to his edge. Who plays the kid from Rookie of the Year? One of the D-Bags from the American Pie movies.

But at the end of the day, everything else I’ve laid out fades away, and it all comes down to one simple question: who in faster? Henry, after his accident, throws the ball an incredible 100 mph. That’s amazing! Of course he loses his pitch due to an injury before finishing the season (much like a real Cubs pitcher), but I digress. This begs the question, what is Wild Thing clocked at? The answer: 101 mph. Eat shit, Henry. The Wild Thing reigns supreme.

Henry Rowengartner

Henry Rowengartner is by a far a better pitcher, not just because his skills trump Wild Thing’s, but also because he’s a better role model, teammate, and person. The 100 MPH fastball doesn’t hurt either. Hot damn, 100 MPH?! Maybe we should all break our throwing arms in hopes that the tendons tighten, turning it into an unstoppable cannon. When I shattered my humerus all I got was skin that smelled like feta, which was pretty cool in its own right. That’s a skinny-ass arm too with barely any muscle on it. Can you imagine what would happen if he did some serious bicep curls? They’d have to lock him up for use against North Korea at a later date. It’s not like he’s juicing either. That arm is all him, just wound tighter than Joan Crawford in a closet full of wire hangers.

Let’s also not forget that Henry is only 12-years-old. What a feat to accomplish at such a young age. It sort of just fell in his lap, but still. He mixes it up with the pros and sometimes even displays a greater level of maturity than them. Wild Thing acts like a toddler in a 30-something’s soft, spongy body. He actually might actually be better suited for a Montessori school than the mound. They teach you how to be a proper human being there. Not a repulsive animal who gets praise for being an ingrate. Wild Thing could learn a thing or two from young Henry. Like how to resist the constant urge to adjust your sack.

A mentor can play a pivotal role in any professional’s career, and Henry has one of the best – Gary Busey. That’s right. Gary Effin’ Busey plays Chet “Rocket” Steadman in the film. He resents Henry at first, like any red-blooded man with pride would, but then he takes him under his wing and offers him the knowledge that only a baseball pitcher character played by Gary Busey could. And yes, that includes a nonsensical pep talk. God, how frustrating and amazing it must be to get advice from Busey. I envy the contestants on “Celebrity Apprentice.” Regardless of his unorthodox ways, Busey helps Henry with his control problems (no, not premature ejaculation), and Henry continues racking up the wins for The Cubs.

I know you’re going to give me shit about Henry’s funky arm being the reason he dominates on the mound, but you should know that he turns The Cubs into World Series champions against The Mets WITHOUT his freak arm. Before the last pitch, he falls on his arm and his “powers” disappear. He beats his rival “Butch” Heddo only with some clever trickery and inspiration from his mother. It’s nice he could win it all on his own merit. So stick your “enhancement” argument up your ass.

Finally, Henry doesn’t make your butt sting like Johnny in Major League suggests Wild Thing does. And butt stinging is the worst. THE WORST, I tell you. So there you have it. Henry brings the heat without bringing the pain. Put that in your Charlie Sheen and smoke it.

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