Best Fake Pornos in Mainstream Films

Wednesday, August 18 by

Understatement of the Century: we love watching porn! But we also like movies made by semi-professional filmmakers that operate within the non-porn Hollywood system. When these two elements come together, it can make for a pretty satisfying cinematic experience. From The 40-Year-Old Virgin to 8MM, porn has long been referenced or addressed in mainstream films, but it is particularly sweet when the filmmakers take the next step and make up a fake porn movie. Some are actually filmed and shown on screen, while others are there in dialogue only — but it’s all great. Check out a few of our favorite fake nudie flicks.

 

My Pipes Need Cleaning, Etc. from Clerks

Kevin Smith loves coming up with porn film names and his first film has a wonderful string of X-rated film names. In the movie, Randall is on the phone ordering a new supply of tapes for the video store. Here is the list of porn movies he lists off while a young kid is just a few feet away: "Put It Where It Doesn’t Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "All T*t-F***ing Volume 8", "I Need Your C**k", "Ass-Worshipping R*m-Jobbers", "My C**t Needs Shafts", "C*m Clean", "C*m-Gargling Naked Sluts", "C*m Buns III", "C**ming in Socks", "C*m On Eileen", "Huge Black C**ks and Pearly White C*m", "Men Alone II: the KY Connection", and "Pink P***y Lips".

Randall’s my hero.

Porn Name Bonus: Kevin Smith’s porn star name is Harry Jizz (thanks to the Porn Star Name Generator).

 

C*ckchuggers 2: C*ckchuggin’ from Southland Tales

For this fake porn to make an appearance, you have to sit through a kinda’ genius/mangled mess starring The Rock and Sarah Michelle Gellar. But a reference to a fake porn sequel to a real porn movie is always cool to see, so it’ll be worth the trip. Back me up on this.

Porn Name Bonus: The Rock’s porn star name is Hugh Rammer. Sarah Michelle Gellar would be called Tara Cumalot.

 

Star Whores from Zach and Miri Make A Porno

Yes, this movie is about making a porn movie, but let’s not lose the fake porno greatness happening in it. Kevin Smith — who is not the only porn lover appearing twice on this list — does his fake porn name thing again, except this time he builds an entire movie around it. The real smut industry would do themselves a favor by taking notes from Smith. It’s time we give porn movie titles some classing up.

Porn Name Bonus: Seth Rogen’s (Zach) porn star name is Uncle Dangle. Elizabeth Banks’ (Miri) is, oddly enough, Nurse Dangler.

 

Schindler’s Fist from Orgazmo

Orgazmo was a little film Trey Parker made before “South Park” blew up. It’s about a Mormon who starts making porn movies to pay for his wedding and goes by the name Captain Orgazmo. Schindler’s Fist is one of the titles here, which might be one of the greatest porn movie titles ever, but the real highlight of Orgazmo is the sex scene with T-Rex. Good God.

Porn Name Bonus: Trey Parker’ porn star name turned out to be General Asstronaut.

 

Danielle’s Kung Fu Porno from The Girl Next Door

Elisha Cuthbert may not be the greatest actress in Hollywood, but she was definitely born to portray a porn actress. The clip from this fake porn cast her as the ultimate test of a kung fu student’s training. And it doesn’t involv fighting, if you know what I mean. Funny, I don’t remember that stage of testing when I was 10 and trying to earn my yellow belt.

Porn Name Bonus:
Elisha Cuthbert’s porn star name is Slappy Dangle. Starting to see a pattern here…?

 

The German Scheisse Video from South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

In honor of the Scheisse video, enjoy some Mr. Hanky.

In the film, it’s the usual “South Park” stuff you know and love, and the kids also witness a clip of Cartman’s Mom in a German Scheisse video from back in the day. It, of course, involves poop and stuff. The sound effects alone can make a grown man dry heave. I second the question posed in the movie, “Dude, what the f*** is wrong with German people?”

Porn Name Bonus: Eric Cartman’s porn star name is Dick Spankalot.

 

Brock Landers: Angels Live in My Town from Boogie Nights

Boogie Nights was about the porn industry, but there was also a genius porn movie concept born out of it…a series of films about two action heros/sex stallions named Brock Landers and Chest Rockwell, played by Mark Wahlberg and John C. Reilly, respectively. Wahlberg, as Dirk Diggler, pitches the idea to Burt Reynolds in the movie and it becomes a hit. The trailer for it looked wonderfully awful, but my local adult store is still telling me it is unavailable. And I check on a daily basis.

Porn Name Bonus: Dirk Diggler’s porn star name of his porn star name would be Spanky Maxim.

 

Logjammin’ from The Big Lebowski

Perhaps the greatest of all fake porn movies is Logjammin’ from The Big Lebowski. The clip in the movie captures all the wonderful cliches that we have come to know and love in porn movies and sets up an inevitable threesome (which we do not get to see). Peter Stormare is the guy sent over to fix the cable at Bunny’s apartment because — as he says — “I am exxxpert!”

Porn Name Bonus: The Dude’s porn star name is Buck Spreadum.

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