It’s Day 4 of BAYWATCH ’09. Transformers Revenge of the Fallen has opened to huge numbers as expected, and we’ve given you the Michael Bay goods in the form of a Music Video Retrospective, an Explosions Tourney pitting the best Bay BOOMs against each other, and a giant gallery of Michael Bay’s Babes. Now it’s time for a look at the more personal, introspective side of the man…
A few days ago an email sent by Michael Bay to Paramount execs was leaked to TMZ. In the message, Bay criticized the studio for the lack of promotion done for Transformers 2. It’s an enjoyable read as Bay rants that the film doesn’t have the feel of an event. We here at Screen Junkies were actually able to get our hands on a few other terse missives sent from Bay to various folks in his life. Please give them a read.
Subject: URGENT!! More fire
Dear Teriyaki Zen Restaurant,
What the hell? You claim to be a restaurant that specializes in teppanyaki grilling but I beg to differ. As a customer at your establishment this past Wednesday I was left wholly unimpressed. Going in I was prepared for the personalized experience of having my choice of succulent seafood, tender chicken, juicy steaks, and garden-fresh vegetables grilled to delicious perfection in an extraordinary theater that would feed my senses and entertain my appetite. Well, try again hot shot because I was not entertained in the slightest.
The ‘chef’ you chose to hire was only capable of casting a pillar of flame five feet into the air. That’s a joke. FIVE FEET OF FLAME IS NOT A SPECTACLE. I’ve ignited farts larger than that. Here is what you provided:
And here’s what you SHOULD have provided:
I’m not sure why you would create a flame so pitifully small. Is your restaurant running low on accelerant? If so, I will happily provide. I think I know a thing or two about how to create an explosion. Did you see Pearl Harb—err, … The Rock? I already know you didn’t because my shrimp weren’t blackened.
Subject: Back to the drawing board…
Dear Westwood Custom Auto,
I thought that I was pretty clear when I told you that I wanted a ‘shark car’. Not only do I create the awesomest but I am the awesomest. Therefore, I expect nothing less than the awesomest. Now please answer for me, what part of ‘shark car’ don’t you understand?
When I am out in public, people notice me. They can’t help it. From my shaven pectorals to my awesome hair to my Jack Tripper style shorts, I turn heads due to the supreme awesome I exude. That being said I must present myself as God-like. And that is impossible to do with the ‘shark car’ that you created for me. Look at this jalopy:
What I wanted was a vehicle that leaves the street pulverized in its wake; that eats the earth with its heavy wheels. Yesterday I ran over a bottle cap on this hunk of junk and my tire exploded. A ‘shark car’ should inspire fear and be fueled by nightmares. This thing inspired neighborhood kids to throw rocks at me. It has no flame decals, no all-terrain capabilities, and nowhere for me to play my Jock Jams tapes. Hardly scary.
Now I want you to take a look at these two renderings and picture them banging one another in a hedonistic orgy of metal on metal.
When you’re done with that, I want you to build me their progeny. And I want it done yesterday.
P.S.: Don’t forget the missiles.
Subject: Whats Up my neezy??
Dear Taco Perkins,
Totally great kicking it with you at Snoop’s party. You are hilarious. I think I got a role that’s perfect for you. Let’s talk.
Subject: RE: RE: Second date?
Honestly I don’t know what to think. We shared a night together that I felt was magical and I could really see the beginnings of a spark combusting between you and I. Judging by the fact that you haven’t responded to the TWO ‘emails’ I’ve sent asking you for a ‘second date’ I get the impression that you don’t feel the same way. And I’m fine with that. Bay doesn’t need to beg. I’d just like to know where I went wrong.
You see, I don’t just ‘take’ a woman out on a ‘date’. I turn that night into an ‘event’. So why was your mind not substantially blown by me? Was it the ‘shark car’ that I picked you up in? I assure you that vehicle was not made to the specs that I require it to be and action has bee taken. Or was it the restaurant I chose? You said that you really enjoyed the meal but how could you? Those flames were f*cking amateur. (I apologize again for screaming at the waiter. Sometimes you need to do that if you want to get a fork at a Japanese restaurant.) And I just want to be upfront and apologize about Brett Ratner’s behavior. He must have smelled food on you or something and that’s why he tackled you. It’s just his way and kind of the price of hanging out with him. He didn’t mean any offense by it.
Well, I’ve got to get running so write me back if you want to. Or don’t. I’ve got a very awesome, action-packed life so probably won’t have too much time to be checking email anyway. And I know that you’re busy too. Good luck with the pictorial! Looking forward to seeing it.
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